How To Love Without Being Clingy
I used to be very clingy.
In my relationships, friendships, jobs — I resisted change and I suffered.
Life happens. Every day, every moment, things are shifting. People are instinctively pulled towards their own experiences. When we love a person or a thing, we want to possess it. We want to be a part of its everything. But this isn't love. This is attachment.
Let me show you.
When I was a child, my mother would be happy and playful one moment and inexplicably angry the next. She heard voices. She felt things I didn't understand. She lashed out. Always alert to her episodes, I could sense when her mood was changing. I would resist and try to pull her back to a happy place there with me. Our happy place. But I couldn't keep here there, no matter how I tried. I coudn't let go. I blamed myself.
When I was 18, my boyfriend — my first one, the one who took my virginity — told me that he wanted to see other girls. I said, "No, thanks." He tried to break up with me but I wouldn't let him. Over the next year or so, he dated other women, slept with other women (and me), and he pretended to be sorry.
I love my friends. Almost romantically. I used to be jealous of their other friends. I didn't want to be left out or forgotten. I didn't want them to explore or have experiences without me. I worried. Things were always changing so how do you know what to cling to? When to let go? How do you get comfortable with the possibility of being left behind? I created reasons to feel insecure.
See?
Attachment gave me anxiety.
It made me want to control things that I had no capacity to control leaving me powerless and sad. All the time. Why would God create a world where you fall in love with people, places and moments, only to have them taken away? A world where horrible things happen to people and you're supposed to somehow erase tragedy from your mind and go about life as usual?
“Try to be mindful, and let things take their natural course. Then your mind will become still in any surroundings, like a clear forest pool. All kinds of wonderful, rare animals will come to drink at the pool, and you will clearly see the nature of all things. You will see many strange and wonderful things come and go, but you will be still." – Ajahn Chah
To be free we have to receive and release. Harsh words from people who don't know what else to say or any other way to be. The arguments about who said what and when and why. The friends we've outgrown. The relationships that have run their course. Guilt, beauty, laughter, irritation — if we feel them and refuse to let go, we suffer.
We aren't meant to attach ourselves to things.
It honors all feelings and experiences without being defined by them. We must be love and make it what we do, how we live, and how we perceive the world.
This is how you live and love without clinging.
GG is an independent author, a life coach, a feeler and an overthinker. She writes for the crazy beautiful complex free creative inspired love drunk woman who relishes her quiet time and believes in miracles. Read more about her at Allthemanylayers.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Tyler James Williams Explains Why His And Quinta Brunson 'Abbott Elementary' Characters Should Remain Friends
While Abbott Elementary fans are hoping that Janine and Gregory end up together, the show’s star has another take. Tyler James Williams plays Gregory on the Emmy award-winning sitcom, and he recently stopped by The Jennifer Hudson Show to share his point of view on his storyline with Janine, which Quinta Brunson plays.
“I hate to say it. I know that everybody’s always mad at me for this. I don’t necessarily want to see them together,” he revealed. “It’s partially an actor’s choice, but also somebody who, like, I read a lot of scripts all the time. I watch a lot of TV, a lot of film. I don’t think that we see displays of platonic love between two people often. I think it’s really easy to go right to they have feelings for each other, therefore they should be together. I like this dynamic of exploring withholding that and just actively loving each other where they are. That I like to see more.”
If you recall, they were co-workers who became friends but were secretly crushing on each other. They’ve had many awkward run-ins during and after school, like the unforgettable club scene where they were dancing nervously with each other in season one, and in season two, they finally kiss. However, it only made things even more awkward, and they decided to just be friends. Tyler further explained why he thinks it’s important to showcase that type of relationship on screen.
“I think it’s time for that. I think TV allows people to see things that could be their lives for the first time, and I think seeing a healthy friendship that is deeply caring about one another in a work atmosphere needs to be shown more than the relationship,” he concluded.
Abbott Elementary comes on every Wednesday at 9 p.m. EST on ABC.
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