How To Love Without Being Clingy
I used to be very clingy.
In my relationships, friendships, jobs — I resisted change and I suffered.
Life happens. Every day, every moment, things are shifting. People are instinctively pulled towards their own experiences. When we love a person or a thing, we want to possess it. We want to be a part of its everything. But this isn't love. This is attachment.
Let me show you.
When I was a child, my mother would be happy and playful one moment and inexplicably angry the next. She heard voices. She felt things I didn't understand. She lashed out. Always alert to her episodes, I could sense when her mood was changing. I would resist and try to pull her back to a happy place there with me. Our happy place. But I couldn't keep here there, no matter how I tried. I coudn't let go. I blamed myself.
When I was 18, my boyfriend — my first one, the one who took my virginity — told me that he wanted to see other girls. I said, "No, thanks." He tried to break up with me but I wouldn't let him. Over the next year or so, he dated other women, slept with other women (and me), and he pretended to be sorry.
I love my friends. Almost romantically. I used to be jealous of their other friends. I didn't want to be left out or forgotten. I didn't want them to explore or have experiences without me. I worried. Things were always changing so how do you know what to cling to? When to let go? How do you get comfortable with the possibility of being left behind? I created reasons to feel insecure.
See?
Attachment gave me anxiety.
It made me want to control things that I had no capacity to control leaving me powerless and sad. All the time. Why would God create a world where you fall in love with people, places and moments, only to have them taken away? A world where horrible things happen to people and you're supposed to somehow erase tragedy from your mind and go about life as usual?
“Try to be mindful, and let things take their natural course. Then your mind will become still in any surroundings, like a clear forest pool. All kinds of wonderful, rare animals will come to drink at the pool, and you will clearly see the nature of all things. You will see many strange and wonderful things come and go, but you will be still." – Ajahn Chah
To be free we have to receive and release. Harsh words from people who don't know what else to say or any other way to be. The arguments about who said what and when and why. The friends we've outgrown. The relationships that have run their course. Guilt, beauty, laughter, irritation — if we feel them and refuse to let go, we suffer.
We aren't meant to attach ourselves to things.
It honors all feelings and experiences without being defined by them. We must be love and make it what we do, how we live, and how we perceive the world.
This is how you live and love without clinging.
GG is an independent author, a life coach, a feeler and an overthinker. She writes for the crazy beautiful complex free creative inspired love drunk woman who relishes her quiet time and believes in miracles. Read more about her at Allthemanylayers.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
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For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
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Featured image by Maskot/Getty Images