How To Find The Good In Goodbye
Have you ever been in the car and started singing so loud that you forgot other people could see you and possibly even hear you?
I remember when I first heard Beyoncé's “Best Thing I Never Had." When I reached the part where she says, “Thank God I found the good in goodbye," you would've thought I wrote the song the way I belted it out. I can remember a time when I thought I couldn't live without a certain someone, or when I doubted another door would open after another door had closed.
I'll never forget when I was in college and I went through a terrible break-up. I found out my ex had been cheating on me. I was so hurt and distraught that I actually called my mom crying and sobbing and told her, “I'm sorry for not always listening and for not always taking your advice." I couldn't stop crying and I was so depressed that one day I literally quit my job, drove home to my mom's house and stayed there for about a week.
There was another time a few short years ago when I was dealing with a difficult situation as it relates to my career. My work environment was toxic and I found myself dealing with extreme anxiety, and I even experienced a panic attack. Funny thing is, they offered me a promotion with a significant pay increase and I turned it down. I basically told them, “Bye, Felicia" and accepted a new position with a different company and made a lateral move instead. Some people thought I was crazy for turning it down but for me at that time, peace of mind was more important than the number of zeroes on my check.
What's interesting now, however, is when I look back at those dark times in my life I realize what I once thought I wanted was exactly what I didn't need. There's a liberating feeling knowing that what you once thought was the best thing in your life became the best thing when it was actually removed from your life.Even though we may experience bad situations, we can still find the good in goodbye.
Some of us struggle with moving forward because all we can see is what we left behind versus what lies ahead. We're focused on what we lost instead of what we look to gain, but sometimes the very thing we are holding onto is the very thing that is holding us back. I've definitely learned how to find the good in goodbye and I want to encourage someone to start the process to help keep you moving forward.
Keep in mind, when I refer to the term "goodbye," I'm not necessarily referring to us saying farewell to our loved ones when they pass away even though we still have to find a way to keep living when those situations arise. Instead, I'm referring to the relationships, jobs, careers or even dreams that have ended or appear as if they're headed nowhere. Whatever it is you're struggling to cope with or move forward from, here's how I find the GOOD in Goodbye:
G – Get out of the way and let God do his thing.
How many times have we tried to do things our own way, ignored God's plans or got mad at God because things didn't go as planned? It's okay to make plans for our lives because like they say, “If you don't plan, you plan to fail," but the conflict arises when we try to play God and orchestrate things without consulting Him or even after talking with Him. I don't know how many times I've prayed for God to send me a sign and remove certain people, places or things from my life that would hinder my growth. Then, as soon as it happened I would make excuses or I would avoid the signs because deep down inside that's not what I wanted. It's like when we get advice from our friends - sometimes we're open to receiving and sometimes we're not because we'd rather ignore the truth.
Now, I know it's not just about what we want but what we need. Just like from my story earlier, I wanted so bad to be with a certain someone despite how they were treating me and even though it was clear that they didn't want to be with me. At the end of the day, God knows just what we need when we need it. There's a good quote that says “Be god or let God." In other words, I've learned to get out of the way and stop trying to force things to happen. We can repeatedly and hopelessly try and create the life we want by manufacturing defected relationships or situations that will eventually be recalled; or, we can hand over control to God and let him guide and lead us so that He can make room for what we really need.
O – Open your heart and mind to something greater.
Just because something ended doesn't mean we won't have the chance to experience something greater. Every now and then, certain things have to end in order for something bigger and better to begin. Yes, it's hard when things go awry or relationships end and we have to take a moment to deal with the pain and release a good cry, but we can't stay there forever. We have to pick ourselves up and keep moving.
Had I stayed crying and complaining over my past break-ups and situations, I never would have been open and available to receive the love from my husband. Had I not said goodbye to them I wouldn't have been able to say hello to him – my husband. Had I settled for convenience, chaos and toxic environments, I never would've stepped out on faith and fought for something better.
Just because you haven't met “Mr. Right" doesn't mean it will never happen. Just because you hear 10 “No's" doesn't mean you'll never hear a “Yes." I'll never forget when my husband was laid off during our first year of marriage. Even though it was a tough time, he NEVER gave up. He always believed there was something greater coming not only for him but for us as a family, and everything he believed would happen for us has come to fruition. When things don't necessarily go as planned, we have to trust that God is still at work and can bless us with something greater. We have to put our hope in Him, not man.
O - Observe the greater purpose and focus on what's important.
I truly believe we all have a purpose, and at times, the culmination of one thing can lead to the birth of so many more things not only in our lives, but in the lives of others as well. What's more encouraging than being able to help or encourage someone who is going through something you've already overcome? There's an encouraging verse in Genesis 50:20 that says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good…"
That's why I do what I do. That's why I write what I write. I understand now more than ever that all of the so-called break-ups, disappointments and failures I experienced in the past actually prepared me for this moment – to help someone else who may be going through similar situations. Our tests form our testimonies. I have to ask myself sometimes, "What is my attitude in adversity" because I realize others may be watching and my actions and reactions can influence how they will deal with life's interruptions. So, when things get difficult and when I get discouraged and can't see clearly the good in goodbye at the moment, above all I have to remember my purpose so I can keep going.
D – Declare the victory!
It's funny when we experience break-ups, heartache, or we hear the words “goodbye" or “no" we immediately find ourselves crying and focused more on what could've been instead of what could be. As human beings, it's totally natural, of course, to feel defeated and disappointed. We live, we love, we laugh and unfortunately we hurt.
But how often do we take the time to rejoice about the potential catastrophes we avoided like: constant and unnecessary drama, abuse, pain, lies, cheating and so much more? It only takes me a second to think about where I could've been had I done X, Y or Z; had I taken that position or had I stayed with "Tom," "Joe," or "Keith." Think about how much you could be going through right now had you stayed a little longer or had they not walked away? Think about the job or position you were overlooked for and the long hours you would've spent away from your friends and loved ones had you accepted it.
Like I said earlier, there is a liberating feeling knowing what you used to desperately desire ended up being something you could actually live without. Everything runs its course. If certain things and situations had not ended when they did, they could have very well prevented us from living life to our full potential. That's the victory! I'm thankful to God for each and every blessing – the ones I prayed for and even the ones I didn't know I needed; the open doors and even the ones He closed.
Are you finding the GOOD in GOODbye? We want to hear your story below.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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My name is Yasmine Jameelah, and I’m a founder, journalist, freelance writer, and dog mama. Wellness is at the intersection of everything that I do.
Six years ago, I started a small wellness community on Instagram after embarking on a healing journey in my mid-twenties that I documented via a blog where I wrote about healing, therapy, celibacy, and growth after what felt like years of chaos. Six years later, that wellness community has blossomed into one of the largest online wellness platforms for Black women called Transparent Black Girl which has a reach of over five million Black women.
It still sounds crazy to say that aloud, to know that a 24-year-old girl planted the seeds of the life that this 30-year-old woman gets to live now.
While I was growing my company, because my love for writing was so strong, I went back to school and obtained my master's in journalism. I’ve worked as a freelance writer, an editor, and a frequent contributor to publications that I respect greatly, xoNecole being one of them! My journalism career has been a reflection of my passion and heart for wellness and the culture. My day-to-day is busy, but we manage to get it done, and on the days that I can’t, I give myself grace to do what I can with the time that I have.
My days consist of events, long walks with my dog, freelance pitching, and deciding what content creation and events will look like for my wellness collective, Transparent & Black.
Now, follow me on a random day in my life.
Morning
5:00 a.m.
My Goldendoodle keeps me on a schedule, so every morning, like clockwork, he wakes me up to use the bathroom and eat breakfast, at 5 a.m.! Am I usually over it first thing in the morning? 100%, but his being on a schedule challenges me to stick with mine and start the day on a productive note. He’s a wellness dog which means I feed him home-cooked meals and give him supplements daily to support his health, and he has a daily dental treat to keep his teeth healthy. Canine dental hygiene is imperative for a long life and a good smelling breath!
Today, I’m heading into the city, and I’ll be there almost all day, so when I’m gone that long, I take him to doggy daycare.
7:00 a.m.
Doggy daycare drop-off is filled with tons of barks, and my dog is practically jumping out of the car with excitement to see his friends. Now, some of y’all might be thinking, doggy daycare, sis, that’s too much for a dog! But it’s not, socialization is key for dogs, and so is keeping my house intact when I’m gone for long periods of time. Does he go daily? No, we aren’t rich (yet, we gotta manifest!), but when my dog is happy and experiencing play, and I’m happy attending events, I feel accomplished.
Having a pet is a serious responsibility, and I pride myself on knowing that I am invested in his mental and emotional health by encouraging his socialization with his friends.
7:30 a.m.
Headed to my local coffee shop to grab my go-to order. Iced coffee, a single shot of espresso, half and half, and 3 pumps of agave. Winter, spring, summer, fall, I am an iced coffee girl. I love it, especially after a workout where I’ve broken a sweat - nothing about having hot coffee after I’ve been sweating for over an hour feels good to me.
8:00 a.m.
Back home listening to Carlos King's commentary on YouTube in the shower (what can I say, commentary on reality TV drama relaxes me, don’t judge!) and prepping for the first stop on the agenda for today which is an event in the city. Without traffic, I’m about a 25-minute drive to Manhattan but it’s rush hour, so that 25 minutes is about 55 which means I have to head out soon so that I can arrive on time.
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9:00 a.m.
Headed to Manhattan for a Black History Month event with Meta, Peloton, and We The Culture. I wanted to take the train, but I ran out of time, so I hopped in an Uber because I didn’t want to be late, and I had my daily check-in with my best friend while I rode in the Uber. We talk daily and have since our early twenties to check in with each other. I'm grateful that while many aspects of my life have changed, this is still a constant. As we age, prioritizing our friendships for sure gets harder, but it’s not impossible in the least bit when both parties are invested.
9:30 a.m.
Emailing my editor from the car to ask for a deadline extension and sharing with her my ideas for pieces for the month! I’m grateful to have been on both sides of the journalism space. I’ve been a managing editor for years for publications, and I’ve also had the honor to work with managing editors, deputy editors, and editors-in-chief who have poured into me and understood how quickly my schedule can change, I’m honored at the magic we’re able to create together.
As a storyteller, from content that I share to my platform to pieces that I write, I’m having fun again in this season of my life, and I am loving it.
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10:00 a.m.
The event begins, and I can’t lie, when I host my own events, I’m not scared, but as a social anxiety girlie, events sometimes can be a little scary. I am naturally a very shy girl, but wellness events always feel like home to me. You don’t have to dress up; you can show up in workout gear because most of the time you’re experiencing some form of wellness and fitness even during the event. Moments into the panel discussion we experienced a seated meditation led by Peloton instructor Dr. Chelsea Jackson Roberts - talk about a way to kick the day off!
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The discussion hosted by Meta and Peleton touched on the importance of taking up space in industries and spaces where Black women and people are underrepresented, our self-care regimens, and We The Culture also shared how their work came to be. It was such a powerful event, and of course, we got the inside scoop on Peloton’s newest machines! I also spoke with some people (it’s important to me to always say hello to those who put on the event) and ended up sitting next to THE Pilates girl herself, Raven Ross. She was such a sweetheart, and we talked about our love for Pilates and the importance of community events like this.
Afternoon
2:00 p.m.
Leaving the event, I headed to Sephora to see if I could find Topicals' always sold-out Slick Salve, but to no avail, so I pulled out my phone and ordered it on their website as I walked back to the train station to head back home. I am a girl who loves to walk, so I’m always down for a long walk to the station and a walk back home when time permits, so that’s exactly what I did. I did about four miles just between walking back to Penn Station and walking back to my apartment once I got off the train!
4:30 p.m.
My phone started blowing up because the piece that Oprah Daily asked me to write was published for Black History Month, and my face was on Oprah’s website, AOL’s homepage, and the publication's Instagram page! My mama, aunties, cousins, dad, and everyone who has known me since I was a little girl were beyond proud and excited to see that and how far I’ve come.
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Evening / Night
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5:30 p.m.
I headed to my gym in my home (praise the Lord for apartment amenities) for a quick swim before I picked up my dog from daycare, and then I headed to the sauna and ran into a neighbor who is another successful Black woman killing it in her own right in the tech space. We chatted about life updates and the importance of taking time for our mental health and it felt good to ground myself with swimming. Much of my life has changed in the past few years, but swimming has remained a constant.
Whenever something amazing happens I soak it in and then immediately do what I can to ground myself to stay present, humble, grateful, and focused on what’s ahead.
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6:30 p.m.
It started raining badly and my anxiety is all over the place on the drive to pick up my dog but I practice some deep breathing and remind myself that I have had a calm day and it can end calm as well. I don’t need to rush there, I can drive at a pace that feels good to me. My mother calls to check on me because she sees the weather is terrible and asks me to let her know when I arrive safely.
7:00 p.m.
I arrived at doggy daycare, and the rain is calming down. Can y’all see why I take him?! They watch him all day! My dog is exhausted in the best way and ready to go home and sleep, and I can sit down and relax when we head back home.
9:00 p.m.
I’m back home, took a bath, ordered my favorite healthy Chinese takeout (beef and shrimp with broccoli, light sauce with brown rice), and I’m on the couch with a glass of sustainable wine from one of my favorite Black-owned brands, House of Brown watching Sistaswith a side of kimchi to enjoy with dinner. My candles are lit, I’m letting the highs of the day sit with me and stillness come over me as I prepare for bed.
10:30 p.m.
I took my dog out for a final walk, gave him his bedtime treat, and it’s lights out to prepare for another day.
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