How To Find The Good In Goodbye | xoNECOLE

How To Find The Good In Goodbye

Comments (52)
  1. Anais says:

    Excellent article !
    This past year has been THE worse. I was starting to think God had forsaken me. From my condo flooding, ending my marriage after 8 years (13 years together), finding a job, reevaluating friendships, and readjusting into my new life as a single mom of two, I was emotionally, physically, and mentally, ready to throw in the towel. After reading this article, however, I’ve realized the importance of learning to detach yourself from the old YOU (old ways of thinking, insecurities, grudges, material possessions) in order to be the YOU God has already ordained. Happiness is a choice. There is GOOD in Goodbye. While I’m not where I want to be, I’m headed in the right direction because for the first time in my life-God is in the drivers seat. Keep the articles coming xoNecole ! Love and Blessings.

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Wow, Anais!! Such a powerful testimony. Thank you for being so transparent. Talk about transition – that definitely seems to be your season right now and we all have seasons of ups and downs. I can only imagine how emotional and tiring it’s been for you this year BUT GOD! You made it through. I think it’s safe to say that your 2016 will most likely be different from 2015. Keep pushing, keep going and don’t give up no matter what! Sending you lots of xoxoxoxoxo!!!! Thank you for your comments!

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  2. lea says:

    Quietly took my distance from someone i really wanted in my life. Now i dont even bother to know what he’s doing. When he realised i wasn’t checking up on him as i was used to , he asked me what happened . Didnt even bother to give an explanation. At some point you shouldnt remind people what they now theu are doing . I am not “there” yet but i am happy i am not obsessed with him anymore. I am literally starting a new life this year and i am really excited about it . Definetely found the good in the bad 😉

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Yes, Lea! That’s how people do sometimes especially when they know you’re no longer paying them any mind. It’s unfortunate that sometimes people don’t know what they have until it’s gone. Thank you for being honest about not being “there” yet. It’s all a process and it definitely takes time. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being so honest.

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  3. Hunny says:

    Everyday I come on this site to be uplifted and inspired. Thank you for this artical Iv been struggling to let go of a male “friend” that’s been in my life for over ten years. We’ve always been back and forth talking then not talking, now within the last month or so I made a promise and Iv been praying for God to remove him from my life for good. Iv never found something so difficult to do.

    I don’t think he’s really noticed I haven’t called or replied back to him. I know it’s because we’ve been down this road before but this time it’s for good I don’t know how I’m going to get him out of my system but I trust God he will make me forget him and the pain and one day even laugh at the love that I have for him. There’s not a day he doesn’t cross my mind but is know I deserves better and God will show me better and give me better. I’m really trusting on God to pull me through.

    Thank your for writing this. I will be reading this when I’m feeling low it will give me the encouragement to leave that door closed.

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Thank you, Hunny for being so transparent! I have been right where you are. It used to take me forever to get over my ex-boyfriends until I realized and told myself, “Hey, they’re missing out. Not me.” All I was missing out on was repeated heartache and confusion. So, be strong in your decision and know that there is more and better out there for you. And remember, actions speak louder than words so don’t let mere “sweet talk” try to trick you into going back unless his words and actions line up. Lifting you up and stay strong. Thank you again for your comments.

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  4. Lina says:

    Thank you for your article. I’m having an extreme hard time dealing with my own goodbye. After almost 4 year, I broke up with my ex last summer, because of a onesided relationship. Still, in the back of my mind I hoped he would fight for us. I was wrong. He’s engaged now & I feel like I’m the biggest loser. I try to be patient & trust the Lord, but the pain is unbearable. I just don’t understand it. I gave so much love to this man & he gets engaged just like that! Next to that, I dread being single again & the fear of getting my heart broken is always bugging me. I really miss somebody around me, but I’m afraid I’ll never love a man like this again. This article (and the comments) made me realize that something good has to come from all of this & that God is at work here. I trust God, but (and this is the tricky part) I am terrified! What is your advice for me to let this go & not feeling like I’m the biggest loser?

    Thank you again!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Hi, Lina. Thank you for being so open and honest and willing to share your story. It’s hard when you’re going through a break-up and you feel like you just can’t let go. My advice for you (since you asked), and I say this with love, you have to keep moving forward. You’ve had your moment, you’ve cried, you’ve asked “why” or “how” but it’s been about him for far too long and now it’s time to be about you especially since he’s moved on completely and is engaged. It’s normal to feel what you feel but we can’t stay there forever. One thing I’ve learned is that we can’t say we trust God and but then follow it with “I’m scared I will never…” Do you have any hobbies? Any business interests? Are you interested in pursuing something new or different in terms of your career, travel, activities or anything? A lot of times staying busy and pursuing our passions and purpose really helps put things into perspective. Yes, you still may feel lonely at times when you go to bed, but find a way to bring back the fire and fun in your life even if that means getting your girlfriends to help you push through it. Find something and do something that has everything to do with you and what you want for yourself. Your single status is not a curse. Maybe that’s what God wants for you right now. Yes, it gets lonely but on the flip side just because it seems like he’s happy on the other side doesn’t mean it’s all good and everything is peachy. But again, we can’t worry about him. That’s old news. Time for some news about you. It’s inevitable that sometimes we date men and end up preparing them for the next woman that comes along (I’ve definitely had my share of that), but I heard on TV one day that “God’s rejection is God’s protection.” So, even though it hurts, and even though you gave all you had don’t give up and don’t give in – and I’ not talking about don’t give up on love but don’t give up on you. If he wasn’t willing to fight for you then it wasn’t worth the fight. Now, fight for yourself and I pray God will help heal your broken heart. I hope that helps some more.

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  5. Ashley says:

    I literally just woke up this morning and made a post on FB about how there is nothing on my social media from this time in 2013 because i had just gotten dumped by someone i had wanted to be with for years. i was extremely depressed, couldnt eat, sleep, nothing, i cried all day at the drop of a hat….and i was just thinking how happy i am to not be that depressed anymore, that God brought me out of it. Now i am nowhere near healed fully, but i am at peace with what happened and looking forward to the future and what i will become. Great article!!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Yes, Ashley!!! I know what you mean. I’m so glad to hear you’re not at that place anymore. Oh what a difference a year or a few years make. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being transparent. Cheers to a New Year for you!

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  6. Lola says:

    Right on time. Great article!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Thank you, Lola!! 🙂

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  7. Shea says:

    I’ve been finding the good in goodbye for the past few months. It’s been difficult at times, but it gets easier each day. Thank you so much for sharing this!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Awww, Shea! You just keep going and like you said, it definitely gets easier each day. Thanks so much for sharing your comments.

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  8. Bae says:

    Last day at a job I’ve been at for two years was today. I’m feeling bittersweet about it.

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  9. Angela says:

    Yasss!!! Very much needed on my behalf. I literally got my heartbroken in 2014 and its been sooo hard to remove the past memories and hurt yet I love that guy to death and wanted to keep him in my life.. It was not a easy task to get thru but I made it! I thought I couldn’t do anything or find anyone like him but I kept fasting and not giving up and today I can say I’m still standing! This article made me think a lot on my situation.. As good as I am as a person I know God will send me the right one who will appreciate me like I do them.Thank you so much!!

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  10. Cheryl says:

    Although I am on this site everyday and when this got posted back in December I missed it completely. I guess the Universe does really gives you what you need at the right time! In the beginning of this month I stopped pleasing others and just do me.. Tell others how I feel and how their actions made me feel! I am starting to see that I am a freaking catch and any man who is willing to walk away from me is really dumb! And I did doge a major bullet when I dropped my ex! pheww! I am having so much fun just living and being free and fabulous! Thank you!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Yes to being free and fabulous! I love it! And I’m so thankful you read this when you needed it most even if it was months later. I love when you get just what you need right when you need it!

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  11. Keepin it real says:

    I want to applaud the author…she put exactly how I’m feeling into words. Everyone is shocked that I could end things with my ex last month and move on. He was not the one for me…NEXT!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Amen Kaisha!! Yes!! Good for you, girl! Thank you so much for sharing and glad I put into words exactly how you’re feeling.

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  12. Mjanuary says:

    Although the post is old it’s so relevant to my life in the present….I met a man who won me over the first date at the time I was 21 and he 31 he had two kids and had already been married and then staying with his mom I fell hard and everything from the first time I met him told me to leave him alone that he was no good I had every sign one would ask even his mama told me he was no good fast forward into our relationship he became my first everything love sex kiss literally everything we spent everyday he wasn’t at work and every night together I thought he was everything fast forward I finally decided to listen to my intuition and searched him on Facebook only to find that he was very much so with his wife taking vacations and all but would cry real tears at night to me about how book he was I also found out through research that he had another girl younger than me who has a child for him who he denies but looks just like him now throughout the year of being with him I had every sign I caught him cheating more times than I’m willing to admit I looked past so much but once I found out that he was still married and with this woman I decided that I couldn’t do it anymore I’m 22 now and because he’s hurt me so many times I’m numb to the pain after letting him know that I was aware of everything of course he lied even with proof but I let him go and j have never felt so free it’s funny how people can really weigh you done all the while I thought he made me happy but he never did I thought I loved him but it was more about the sex I hate that I didn’t listen to anyone nor pay attention to the signs but better late then never I’m now focused on me finishing school and getting myself together undo feel like it has jaded me in a since but I’ll be ok there’s a saying I heard frequently while dating him something about the devil coming in all forms he was that for me the devil but thank god I found the good in goodbye

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  13. tnkbella says:

    THANK YOU FOR THIS…..LOVE THIS!!!

    Finding the strength to leave a toxic, abusive relationship and a draining job has help me to become a better woman, I am not as naive , I have grown in wisdom, I have more understanding and patient for things, I never doubt God because I know his purpose for me in this life is never to fail. I AM SO MUCH HAPPIER! I love the saying “Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well, look at you, living and sh*t” Sending this article to a friend that really need it!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      blockquote, div.yahoo_quoted { margin-left: 0 !important; border-left:1px #715FFA solid !important; padding-left:1ex !important; background-color:white !important; } Wow!! Thank you much for sharing your story and how you were able to overcome! That is amazing!! 

      Shonda White New Book Now Available: Don’t Be Wife To A Boyfriend: 10 Lessons I Learned When I Was Single Website: ShondaBrownWhite.comSent from Yahoo Mail for iPhone

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  14. Nessa says:

    I just put in my two weeks notice and I really needed this. Thank God I see the GOOD in goodbye!!!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Well, alright then!!! Cheers to new beginnings for you, Nessa! Thank you so much for sharing!

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  15. DeAundra says:

    Thank you for sharing! Very inspiring!

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  16. Kessie Cole says:

    Chilleeee now ain’t this the truth!!!!

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  17. Le says:

    Thank you for sharing! I finally left my abusive/cheating ex for good! I was actually really depressed about it but now I’m learning to find the good in good bye!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Le, you definitely can find the good in goodbye in your situation because you didn’t deserve the cheating nor the abuse. Have you talked with someone about it to help you process it all? Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your story and for your comments. 🙂

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  18. Abbi says:

    I know from personal experience that there is good in some of our goodbyes in life. That’s a significant part of having faith in God. It may feel uncomfortable for awhile but the truth is, you cannot grow in the comfort zone. God always exceeds our expectations. Thanks for sharing your testimony Shonda!

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  19. Kendra says:

    This was so on point and needed right now! Very uplifting!!

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  20. LDNGirl says:

    Thank you for sharing! I definitely needed to read this, I recently left a job and broke up with an ex within the space of three weeks because I was unsatisfied in both situations. It was really difficult for awhile because I was being hard on myself and I was a bit embarrassed walking away from both situations (which sounds silly as it was my decision) I just couldn’t face myself- I felt like I could never get anything right. But now I realised something better will come along and I know it’s all in God’s plan. So I am content with where I am now and just learning to be present in the moment.

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      LDNGirl, thank you so much for sharing and for being transparent. I understand and have been where you are. It can be overwhelming when we go through changes in life and especially when it’s two major changes taking place at the same time, like your situation.Change isn’t comfortable but sometimes it’s necessary. Kudos to you though for stepping out on faith to do what needed to be done and I hope something greater is around the corner.

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  21. Chloe says:

    A great post! I’ve recently just moved from a very comfortable job to a small city for a one in a life time career opportunity. This post has solidified all the reasons I made my move.
    It’s great to have such a positive site to visit in times when motivation may be lacking!

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Yes, Chloe! I’ll never forget when I took a leap of faith and moved to a different city as well. It can be overwhelming but I’m proud that you took that step because you never know what this career move can do for you in the future. I believe everything always prepares us for the next thing. Congrats on your new position! Thanks so much for your comments.

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  22. Dee says:

    Loved this. I left what some call a “good” job that was truly, truly toxic to make a lateral move and I’m so happy I did. At the same time I was in that toxic work environment I was going through a difficult break up. You have to just do you sometimes. Saying goodbye is painful sometimes but in the long run it can be a blessing.

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  23. Mich says:

    All I can say is thank you for this piece 😊 I’m finally ready to see the good in goodbye. Happy New Year to you!

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  24. Veronica says:

    I can’t express how much this article was needed and meant to me. And the timing! 2015…GOODbye!

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  25. I says:

    Ladies, the sun always comes out after the storm. Hold tight to those goods from your goodbyes because trust me, the good will come.
    I was on and off with someone for 3 years. I knew the relationship wasnt going anywhere good but I struggled to let go of him. Then one day I finally did but still at the back of my mind I wondered if I’d find someone I cared abt that much again.
    Two years later I met and instantly had a deeply connection with an amazing man whilst on holiday. He was perfect – we felt like kindred spirits, soulmates even. We tried to make long-distance work across two continents but after 6months we gave up. And I thought, “come on! Surely I will never find someone better than that! Why God, didnt you help us to work it out?!”

    But lo and behold, a year later I went on a date with someone I’d known for a while and God told me on that first date that he was the person I was going to marry. I was shocked and very skeptical. But its been 4years, our relationship has only grown ftom strength to strength, I have never been so happy, and we are getting married this year! BECAUSE GOD chose him for me. He didnt choose the others.

    So hold on ladies and trust the Lord to be your matchmaker.

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  26. Ebbey says:

    I so needed to read this article. I met a guy who sounded amazing on paper and was everything that I wanted. I really saw a potential relationship with him and before I invested time and my heart, I prayed to God to remove him from my life if his intentions for me weren’t good. Within a week he just stopped communicating with me. I was hurt and confused, but it is better for me to be a little hurt now and devastated later.

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  27. K Scott says:

    Right now I’m coping with the fact that my ex doesn’t want me anymore. It’s very convenient when I man knows how you feel about them, get what they want out of you & walk away like its nothing. When we were experiencing our rough patch he managed to maintain a friendship that’s now blossoming into a relationship with a woman whose relationship was going sour like ours. Even though the relationship was toxic, you hold for the hope that things get better & it didn’t, we argued so much that the building management gave a warning. For me it was hard to keep quiet watching as the love of mt life was opening his arms for another woman while I did all that I could to help him. When he was dealing with his depression, I held down the fort, paid all of our bills & ended up getting kicked out the door. Feeling love for him, made him reject me each time I asked for us to rekindle our love.
    Just today even though what I did was trifling by calling the other woman, I’m human. How could someone that doesn’t even know this man swear up & down, he’s the best & has no intention of Bad intentions but all I can do is sit on the sidelines & observe this madness. I’m not use to being alone & it hurts badly, but pain is apart of the process. Do I still love him of course but I also know as of today, his rejection is preparing me for someone that’s going to love me for it all, with no exceptions, no apologies, how long that’ll take I don’t know. I’m patiently waiting to find that special someone & im not afraid to take a chance, so I’m ready.
    Sadly, devoting 8 years to someone, good/bad/or indifferent just sucks, because you want them regardless & it’s going to take some serious time to heal. Dealing with it each day. It hurts me but for some strange reason, not one tear has dropped, because I spent the majority of last year crying.

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      K Scott I’m so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, sometimes people take advantage of our kindness and especially if we’re the type to help and lending a helping hand and be there. I learned that lesson on more than one occasion and finally realized that I didn’t want anymore projects; I wanted a relationship. I wanted someone to be there for me as much as I was there for them and not just one-sided. It’s tough when you see them go to someone else and it seems as if things are perfect but I’ve learned that sometimes people are different with different people and you NEVER know what she may be going through now or will go through as a result. Sounds like you dodged a bullet though and I’m glad you seem to be progressing as each year passes. Thank you for sharing.

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  28. cheeyomaa says:

    necole please make ds site as interactive as your former site.
    i rili liked the like and online button on ur previous site.
    also been able to reply a comment….it made ut so much fun.
    i usually came to ir site for the interactive comments.
    pls pls work on it

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  29. cheeyomaa says:

    sorry for the typographical errors. i meant to say like and unlike button. And also being able to reply comments.

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  30. JC says:

    Great article. I spent 9 years trying to make someone be IN love with me who just LOVED me. Sometimes men have a tendency to stay in relationships because they are loyal. But being loyal means different things to different people. Loyal to a man doesn’t necessarily mean they are monogamous. I had a friend whose brother married his long suffering girlfriend out of loyalty and they were divorced a few years later. I am looking for a man who will be IN love with me, who will not cheat because the thought of losing me is too painful to deal with and I am worth more to him than a quick fun time. It reminds me of the movie Love Jones when Nia said all we have is “all these years”. I had to walk away with the hope that something is better around the corner. who knows if it is? But I know I sleep much better knowing there is not anyone out there cheating on me, or lying to me, or telling some other woman that she is the only one.

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    1. Necole says:

      You said a word!!! I agree with all of this

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    2. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Thank you JC! Yes!! and thank you so much for being so transparent. If I learned anything I definitely learned the hard way too and had to acknowledge the difference between love and being in love and even lust vs. love. Honey, I could go on for days. Ha! Thank you for sharing your comments!

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  31. Shimol says:

    Woooooow this came at a very good time..I went through a horrible break up and it’s all because I’ve been wanting to hold on to something I should’ve let go a long time ago..Thank you very much,!

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  32. Miata says:

    It’s amazing when you realize you FOUND the good in goodbye but so hard to get through TRYING to find the bright side. I’m having a hard time being positive about the future. That’s something I struggle with everyday.

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  33. Keishia says:

    I’m currently going thru a break-up with a guy I been with for 3 years. I stayed with him while he was in prison. His family and friends wouldn’t visit or help in reference to his needs during this time. I encouraged him to go back to school even given him money to make sure he could get there & provide for whatever needs he had. Well he decided that I wasn’t enough for him & told me after a few weeks of being broken up he’s in a new relationship. I’m upset everyday crying, not eating and consumed with sadness & he’s on to the next. I really don’t know what I did wrong, however I don’t want to ever allow to be in this place again. This article is truly helping me process the pain.

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    1. http://xonecole.com/wp-content/themes/xon/images/xoicon.png Shonda White says:

      Hi, Keishia. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your comments. I’m so sorry to hear that. It sounds like you gave a lot of yourself – time, money, resources, your heart, etc. – to a man who wasn’t willing to give you anything in return. I like the quote that says “you never have to chase what has to stay,” and it sounds like you’re better off now that he’s decided to move on. I know it hurts and feel what you feel, but just know you deserve better and in due time you will be able to heal from this. It’s quite natural to think you did something wrong (we’ve all been there), but don’t think for one second that you did anything wrong because it sounds like you did everything right. Don’t blame yourself for his unwillingness to be as committed to you as you were to him. I pray you’re able to keep moving forward on to bigger and better things.

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    2. Christina says:

      Hey girl,
      I understand where you’re coming from. Especially the wondering what you did wrong part. The pain will pass, and it will pass even quicker if you concentrate on the lesson you learned from it instead of dwelling on the hurt/loss of the love. I know, it’s easier said than done, but you can do it! I’ve been telling every woman I know to read, Men Don’t Love Women like You by G. L Lambert as this book has totally helped me understand “what I did wrong”. The author of the book also writes the content for the website blackgirlsareeasy dot com-which I think you should also check out if you don’t wanna purchase the book. I discovered the site first, which led me to buying his book, but anyway back to your comment. You made the classic mistake of trying to fix a broken bird. What you saw as “riding for” or “holding your man down” was actually super emasculating for him (even if he never said that he felt emasculated). Men deep down RESENT being taken care of and unfortunately your support of him only served as a reminder that he wasn’t able to do it on his own. Your actions were that of a mother and not that of a partner and he will always see his “weakness” reflected in your help. No man wants to be viewed as weak, although I’m sure you went out of your way to make him feel good about himself. Trust me, the dynamics of this relationship would have never worked in the long run, so consider yourself a bullet dodger ;-). Hope this helps. Take care. =)

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