27 And In Need Of A Bone Marrow Transplant: You Could Be The Cure
The first time that I had ever heard of Be The Match was years ago when Good Morning America co-host Robin Roberts announced her cancer diagnosis.
In the campaign that acted as a 30-second television spot, Roberts said, “I have a chance to survive blood cancer because my big sister answered 'yes' to being my marrow donor. You can join the Be The Match Registry today at BeTheMatch.org, and stand ready to cure someone with a disease like leukemia."
It was a powerful call-to-action that made me feel some type of way about resting on my laurels as opposed to doing what I can for those in need. The potential to be someone's cure really spoke to me. I found myself signing up to register as a donor in the registry shortly after.
But I stopped myself from continuing with the process after receiving some input from my mother who felt that it was a painful process and just something that black people just “don't do". That phrase is something that stops us in our tracks as a community a lot, sometimes to our detriment – that day five years ago was no different.
The Urgent Need for Diversity in Bone Marrow Donors
My encounters with Be The Match came full circle for me the other day when I received an email from a representative who felt like Black History Month would be the perfect time to relay a message to our readers that was a simple, clear, yet resounding, “We need you." Even though Roberts' campaign led to over 40,000 new donors signing up, there is still an undeniable void amongst one group of people in the registry: black people.
Patients are most likely to match a donor that closely shares their ancestry. Black people have historically had the lowest odds of finding a match compared to other populations in the registry. Why? Because…
- Black people have the most diverse genetic tissue types compared to other ethnicities.
- Not enough black people volunteer as bone marrow donors in the registry.
Currently, we only make up 6% of the registry, which is a far cry from the 51% that account for white people in the registry. As the global leader of umbilical cord blood transplants and bone marrow transplants, Be The Match is often the only hope for patients looking to find a cure for blood-related cancers like leukemia and lymphoma, as well as sickle cell anemia, and other anemic/blood disorders. It should be noted that bone marrow is so far the only cure out there for sickle cell anemia.
Since we just make up 6% of donors in the registry, bone marrow transplants that are a match can be hard for many patients to find. And, without access to qualifying donors, a cure is less likely for recipients to find. You would think that if you have siblings, you'd be covered, like in Roberts case where her sister was a match for her and her cancer was cured.
But Roberts is the exception, not the rule. In fact, 70% of patients do not have a fully matched marrow donor in their family, which is why Be The Match is so pivotal to offering a cure to those in dire need of finding a viable marrow transplant, like Shaunise Robinson for example.
The Importance of Be The Match
Shaunise Robinson at an Aplastic Anemia Awareness drive
Shaunise Robinson is a 27-year-old third grade teacher who believes her life purpose is to help children through education. The mother of one (a son who turned 4 this month) is a doctoral-degree candidate at Texas A&M. But this past fall, a fulfilled life took an unexpected turn when in November 2016, Shaunise was officially diagnosed with aplastic anemia, a really rare blood disorder that causes all of her blood counts to be severely low, causing severe fatigue, shortness of breath, a very weak immune system, and profuse bleeding (because blood cannot clot).
Eventually, her bone marrow may not be able to make enough new blood cells, which can lead to many more health problems, including an enlarged heart, irregular heartbeats, heart failure, infections, bleeding, and even death.
Regarding the disorder, Shaunise says:
“They don't know how this happened, they don't know where it came from. In most cases, you'll never really find out how you got it, it just happens. It doesn't run in your family. It has nothing to do with that."
She remembers being in the middle of teaching a class when she got the call that confirmed all her concerns about her health. Earlier in that week, she had gone to her OBGYN and explained an issue she had been having with profuse bleeding. After years of feeling like something was off with her body, but being told again and again that everything was fine, her OBGYN went above and beyond by taking her blood count to find the root of her problems. Tests were ran and her blood counts were revealed to be severely low. She had to rush to the hospital immediately. Doctors believed it was some form of cancer, but after extracting a bone marrow biopsy from her back, they found the real culprit to her health issues: aplastic anemia.
After being connected to a larger hospital, Shaunise was also given the information and connected with Be The Match. She started hosting drives to find a donor and began her journey of raising awareness for the organization and giving a voice to the voiceless, because oftentimes, patients with blood-related illnesses and diseases are young children who can't speak up for themselves.
Shaunise has no donor, can't teach her students (due to potential illnesses she could catch) who miss her as much as she misses them, but she still manages to have an incredible and giving spirit in the midst of her hardship. During my brief call with her, I noticed that her light was undeniable and absolutely radiated, even during a time where most would be overcome by darkness. “I have a lot of faith that I'm going to find a donor and that everything's going to be fine. I feel like I have a purpose and a lot of things I still have to accomplish in life. So, I really don't think negatively about it. I think about it like everything happens for a reason. I'm able to tell people about it that maybe would never have known about it and they're able to join the registry and help someone else. I always think about it that way and that everything happens for a reason and that God's purpose was for me to have this. I don't know the exact reason why, but I know there's a reason why this happened to me."
"I want to make the best of it. I want to raise awareness so that me going through this isn't in vain."
What the Bone Marrow Donation Process Is Really Like
Aside from not knowing about Be The Match, I realized a common theme that stops people from signing up is the fear of the process. People hear the words “extraction", hear about the long needle, hesitance goes into overdrive, and they aren't willing to donate bone marrow at all. I don't blame them, I too fell victim to believing the hype that the procedure was far too painful to endure and thus wiped my hands of the possibility of it. However, former Villanova University defensive back CJ Logan sang a different tune for me.
The now 23-year-old New York-based financial advisor was on the Villanova University football team back in the spring of 2013 when he signed up for the registry. At the time, he was on a football team led by Coach Talley, who believed in giving back to the community in any way that they could and who had a close personal connection to the message of the Be The Match foundation.
After submitting a cheek swab for the registry, CJ wouldn't get a call about a bone marrow donation until two years later in the fall of 2015, during his senior year. He got a follow-up email detailing that he and two other people could potentially be a match for a patient in need of a transplant. He went to a nearby hospital where they drew some extra blood. “About a week or so later, they told me, 'Hey, you're the definite match. Are you interested in doing it? Can you come in?' I was like, 'Absolutely'," he says with a smile in his voice, “As far as I was concerned, if it was my mom or my sister in that position – because I was donating to a 33-year-old international woman – I definitely wish that someone who had the opportunity to make a difference would step up and do it."
CJ Logan after his donation to a bone marrow transplant recipient
The morning of December 15, 2015, CJ went in for surgery to begin the bone marrow donation procedure. “I came in early - 5:30, 6 am. I gave some more blood. I talked to the nurses. I met the surgeon who was going to do the operation. I relaxed. Like an hour and a half later, I remember them talking to me and (after that) I just (remember that I) woke up. It was because of the anesthesia," he laughs. “It was very quick. Afterwards, I stayed in the hospital just because. The following morning, Coach Talley had one of the assistant coaches pick me up from the hospital."
Despite the intimidating length of the needle, CJ said he felt no pain at all during his procedure because of the drugs he was given. In fact, the only pain he felt was more like a soreness in his back for the first couple of weeks post-surgery and said the discomfort was comparable to losing a game to Delaware and the “battle wounds" that'd include. “It was a little stiff. But with that being said, I didn't think it was too discouraging. If anybody were to get a call saying they were a match, I would 100% encourage them to do it."
"I never thought that as an individual that I could make that big of an impact on someone else's life."
It being all about the bigger picture was a recurring theme in both conversations I had with Shaunise and CJ, just told through different perspectives. Although he didn't know much about the woman who recieved the life-changing donation, he felt blessed to be able to change and extend someone's life and that was louder than any fear. "It's a blessing. If there were any doubts about me making it to heaven prior to that surgery, I hope that secured it," CJ shares with a laugh, "But no, honestly, it was a remarkable experience, because I never thought as a single person, as an individual, that I could make that big of an impact on someone else's life. So that's definitely something that I carry with me."
The Bottom Line
In response to anyone who still might have reservations about joining the registry, Shaunise states, "One of the biggest things right now is the registry isn't that diverse. I'm an African-American. You have to find a donor that represents your DNA. My best match is going to be someone who shares my ancestry, an African-American. The problem is, African-Americans represent 6% of the registry. Hispanics represent 10%. Asians represent 6%, so if you are of a diverse background, we're not really represented in the registry. This could happen to anybody. I'm 27 years old. I was healthy. I was active my whole life. This happens to anyone, little kids. I met this two-year-old girl. I can't imagine being a child going through this. For people who are hesitant, we have to think beyond that. We need to help each other."
Shaunise Robinson's story was exactly the thing that I needed to remember how much good could happen from the smallest thing. Registering is simple and to the point, the donation process is straightforward and includes anesthesia, and the end result is saving someone's life who might otherwise not have a solution to what's slowly killing them or making them ill. I was reminded of the power of community and again the ripple effect that comes with doing the right thing. Not to mention the good karma.
"If you are of a diverse background, we're not really represented in the registry. This could be anybody."
I think as black people we need to make ourselves present in all spaces, especially spaces where there is a demand for diversity. It's great that we're on more television shows, that we can shout FUBU anthems from the mountain tops, and that we can shop black, but we also need to make sure that we show our faces in these places and uplift our community health-wise as well. Shaunise and CJ are right, it could be any of us.
I hope to someday be the match for someone in need. Until then, I am an active member of the registry, on-call to be a donor at any time for anyone. At least, until I'm 65.
So, will you join the registry?
Visit Be The Match today and find out ways how to be of service to people fighting blood-related illnesses and diseases and how to support the cause by joining the bone marrow registry.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images