My Partner Knew I Had Been Sexually Assaulted Before I Told Him
I can’t give times or a date.
I couldn’t tell you what he wore or how he smelled. But there hasn’t been a day where I wouldn’t see his face or feel his fingers in inappropriate places as a 4-year-old. I could tell you what kind of children’s underwear I had on and why the characters that colored those panties are ones that I cannot face today. I see them often, thus, I still see him.
It happened quick.
But no one ever tells you that when you’ve experience molestation at such a young age, that the bruising will remain for a lifetime.
Some days, the scarring is faint; others, the emotional wounds leave you retreating to a secret place–one that’s often dark where no one is invited in. Teenage fingers have granted itself permission to do as it pleased without your invitation. It would be hard to let anyone in, much less near, again.
How could a child hold power? I wouldn’t know; I didn’t say no.
I let him take control while parts of my fragile body fought him behind a closed mouth and light tears.
It would be hard to trust.
Feel.
Love.
But thirteen years after the incident, I fell in love.
There was something about the feel of this relationship that frightened me as I felt I needed to take this one slow. My emotions moved as fast as those teenage fingers back in ‘92 and I wanted it to slow down. If I couldn’t say no then, I understood that I had the authority to do so now.
Again, I retreated.
Adolescent makeup sessions in basements would cease if he got too close to the button of my jeans. I would tell him I had an irregular cycle and couldn’t have sex during the times he wanted to. Months into dating and we would settle for heavy kissing and tongue wrestling, but sex? It wasn’t happening.
He never questioned my actions, only respected it, and I would end up making this guy, who would later be the father of my children, wait an entire year and a half before being intimate.
Some days were easier than others.
I felt light during sex. It was an essential escape that my body needed.
Sometimes, I felt emotionless, nothing at all because how could I find pleasure in something that got me to this point? There would be weeks of internal conflict where my body wouldn’t give in to my partner, as much as I wanted to. I had a chronic fear that he would find someone else to fulfill his sexual wants. Guilt made cameos from time to time. Anxiety lied in the bed with us. He would ask me the usual:
"Your body feels tense. Are you okay?""Are you sure you want to do this?"
I would give in, even if I didn’t want to, just to get over the mental hurdle of that afternoon I was violated as a 4-year-old at the babysitter’s house.
I felt that the boy who touched me as a child still had a hold on me, an intangible power over me, and his fingers within me. Anyone who I wanted to fully give myself to would feel the effects of him and what he did, even if I didn’t say outright, “This is what happened to me. This is why it’s hard.”
Shame found a home in my skin for years.
And I didn’t say anything for quite a while. It was my little secret to keep because I repeatedly heard his shhh’s and would feel like damaged goods. I would feel weak because I couldn’t say no and I would never let anyone know that I actually allowed someone to take advantage of me. But my partner knew.
My partner knew when I would pull back without saying “stop,” or “too hard” or “go slower.” He felt my body wasn’t ready to engage in big girl things and he understood that parts of my past would attribute to it. I was there, but not exactly present in the moment. I felt like he knew my body better than I did. This feeling would last even after the birth of two children and I decided that I needed a sexuality coach to intervene.
[Tweet "Ultimately, it would all boil down to honoring the word ‘no.’ '"]
We don’t do that enough. I felt by declining to have sex, I would cause a rift between my partner and I who would feel like I was no longer interested in him, but it was crucial that I respect my body after what I had gone through. Yes, even if it was twenty years prior. After being told that I was self-violating my own body even further by having sex when I didn’t want to, I realized that it was time to let him know the why’s behind the actions. I told him about that day, the weight I’ve been carrying, and my own grievances with the body he loved that I had to live in.
He admitted he knew I had experienced trauma of some sort, but still loved me, even when he knew I didn’t love or forgive myself.
We spoke candidly about that day–a painful moment to relive, but a pivotal point in our relationship as I helped him understand my story, which led me to come to terms with the fact that it happened.
Yet, I was still here.
It was hours of healthy conversations on boundaries, withdrawing from sex for a while, viewing sex as a shared experience, reframing my ideas of sex in general, and understanding sexual recovery after trauma. Reading stories from close friends who too have experienced sexual assault at 4, 14, or 24 has helped. I tell this story thanks entirely to them, my coach who has changed our lives, and the women who haven’t found the right time to share their own and probably never will.
As far as my partner’s concerns on how to move forward after becoming privy to this sort of information, he’s been advised to be more aware of the pressures he may cause when it comes to having sex, to not treat me like a victim, and be more patient during intercourse. Of course these are just a few of the many steps you or your partner should take if your significant other has experienced sexual assault at any point in their life.
It takes time to get over sexual assault–months for some women, decades for most, entire lifetimes for others–but it isn’t something you can’t overcome.
[Tweet "It takes time to get over sexual assault, but it isn't something you can't overcome. "]
You can have a healthy relationship and sex life afterwards. You can take back control over your life even after it feels like it's been taken from you. Yes, you still have that much power.
For more information about sexual assault, go to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (https://rainn.org) or contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline to speak to someone confidentially at 800-656-4673.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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