"Netflix And Chill" Isn't The Key To Commitment
She was a student at Ohio State University, strong into her third year of college when we met. Her skin brown, mind focused and the body was banging. She 22 years young and me three years her senior found attraction and sexual healing to be ever present. Alone time, phone time, and at any time for that matter produced feelings of intimate emotions.
My identity was that of a womanize/woman pleaser. We made a promise to not insert or pervert anything into our relationship before jumping the broom. Grandma always said:
[Tweet ""It's hard to come together when her legs are always spread.""]
Thank you Grandma for the vivid imagery. I took this to heart as a man and understood the role I played in making our relationship work. The bedroom has always sent men away mentally when we dry hump or hump a woman prematurely.
I have laid on many beds, futons, back seats, floors and countertops in my young life. Countless moments of experiencing sex with a woman not yet my wife produced poor results. Not for me as a man necessarily, but for “her.” She is the casual sex on a Saturday night after Netflix and chill. She is the long-time friend now estranged friend you couldn’t help but feel up. Men don't feel the pain women feel when we exit you physically and emotionally.
[Tweet "Countless moments of experiencing sex with a woman not yet my wife produced poor results. "]
This is why I can appreciate the effort Russell Wilson took with Ciara. We as men need a challenge at all times. Chasing you sexually is one challenge, but taming the beast in our groin is a far greater challenge for many. With Charlie Sheen announcing his HIV positive status, isn’t it best to avoid those moments of sadness? Sure it is! So here are three ways to avoid the early on set of lustfulsexualfluenza.
1. Netflix and Chill must turn into Matinee and Milkshakes.
You can no longer stay past the 7 pm hour with your lust burning you up. If you believe this relationship is indeed different then do something different. Yes, you are an adult but you will look like an old child at 40 years, single, and searching the bar at Happy Hour for a quality connection.
2. Form a pact
We both made a commitment which gave both of us a sense of guilt if we failed. If one party feels the victory lies in laying down with you for a rendezvous it will be tough to fend them off long term. Get on the same page for the purpose of the relationship because it’s the only reason we made it through.
3. Fight the Lust Line.
Can’t you imagine the feeling of their body on top of yours? Does the images of orgasmic wild sex with them just send you overboard? I bet they do indeed! There is no manual on how to turn these thoughts off. You have to know some nights will be your weak night and vice versa. Remind each other of the commitment you made. Even when you slip up once or thrice, get back on the wagon. Your relationship will thank you for it long term.
Waiting to have sex with my wife was my commitment to her long term. I know as a man that we can be master manipulators long after being masturbators in our adolescents. Learned habits take root in our formative years on how women tick. Your vulnerability, sensuality and desire to be loved fall in line with our playbook. I will tell the unborn daughter I may raise that “Sex is your right to have, but 9/10 it hurts your chances of building the strongest bond with Him.”
You may be reading this thinking “Why is this man telling me not to have sex before marriage?” It is merely for you to be the empowered and respected woman you desire to be. Sex with you is worth so much to us men. We spend money, think of dates, protect you, stare, send good morning text and blush emoji’s. Not just for the draws, but yes for the draws. We eventually fall in love with you. If done correctly our desire for you will force us to pursue you all the way to the wedding day.
My son is easily bribed at two years old. His love for fruit snacks of any kind and shape makes him vulnerable. When I offer him the thing he loves the most I create a magnet for my desires to be fulfilled.
Your heart desires that commitment I gave to my wife seven years ago. We fulfilled that commitment but not without our share of hiccups. Our hands landed in places our loins couldn’t. Even in those moments, due to our commitment to avoiding sex, we felt a guilt and conviction. Promise yourself this time will be different.
Promise your body that who enters the home of your heart next won’t just visit, but move in forever.
I’ve been married for five years now, but can’t even recall the names or amount of women I misused selfishly. Live through me and know sex is the King of the chess board.
You are the Queen, so you have all the moves and power necessary to protect it.
Chris Marvel is a Relationship Coach/Expert and author of upcoming book “Love Laws- Rules of Love and Relationships in the 21st Century.” He is known for offering commentary and insights on professional athletics, leadership, human development, and spiritual growth. He a columnist for the Call and Post Newspaper and a recent "Emerging Leaders" honoree in Who's Who in Black Cleveland. He has shared the stage with Iyanla Vanzant and Wendy Williams at the Empower One Conference in 2015 as well. Learn more about Chris at ChrisMarvel.Life.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
Courtesy
I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
Courtesy
That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
Courtesy
So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
Courtesy
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy