How I Let Go of My Insecurities & Owned My Stretch Marks
Some of us have them in one area of our body, while others have them all over. Regardless of where those pesky red, pink, black, brown, or sometimes white lines appear, the general consensus is that all of us women hate them.
I'm talking about stretch marks. Which I unaffectionately referred to as “those."
I was in seventh grade when “those" appeared on my calves; it was as if they came out of nowhere. One day nothing, and the next, a mess. I didn't know what to do or how to get rid of them. I just knew those stretch marks were ugly, horrible, and made me stand out. The thought of those lines on my calves made me feel marked and altered like I'd done something wrong to my body. I couldn't understand why I got them when most of the other girls in my seventh grade class didn't have any…that I knew of. The only thing I did know was that I didn't want to get made fun of for being different.
And the fact that I was at the age when girls were starting to shave their legs (my mom wouldn't let me), I knew I couldn't let anyone at my school see my hairy, stretch mark tarnished legs. So I chose to wear pants every day. It was the only way to keep myself out of the line of fire while at school.
Photo Credit: #LoveYourLines, Instagram
From seventh grade on, I never wore shorts-- only in the privacy of my own home. Even when I got to high school and was issued shorts for P.E., I still didn't put them on. Thankfully, we had the option to wear sweat pants instead of our gym shorts. If not, I'm sure I would have ditched P.E. as often as possible.
I continued to keep my legs and “those" covered well into high school. While other girls would wear shorts without thinking twice about it, I was secretly wishing I could do the same. This would lead to internal battles with myself about whether or not I could handle the ridicule that would come at exposing myself. But I never allowed myself to give in. “Pants for life" was my motto.
Growing up in Southern California, with excellent-sometimes hot weather, the one thing I was trying to avoid happened. While I was trying to avoid being an outcast and teased for having “those," I was being talked about for always being covered up--even on hot days. In eleventh grade, I remember hearing an acquaintance say, “Tamika always dresses like it's winter."
I thought to myself, "If they're commenting about me always wearing pants, they're sure to comment on my stretch marks."
So I continued on. In an effort to have the issue of me wearing pants fade into the background of people's minds, I made sure everything about me was perfect. I tried my hardest to stay up on fashion trends and keep my hair and makeup on point. In other words, what people were actually able to see, had to be flawless. But the years of wearing pants to hide my stretch marks did more mental damage than anything. It taught me to hide the things on my body that I couldn't fix.
By the time I graduated from high school, wearing pants was just a part of who I was. I never thought twice about buying or wearing shorts, dresses, or skirts. The only time I ever considered wearing shorts and not giving a crap about what others may say was when I moved away for college. I wasn't going to college with any of my high school friends, so I figured I could have a fresh start. I could wear my shorts, people would make their comments about my stretch marks and then hopefully move on from it. But just as I'd kept myself covered up for years prior, I couldn't do it. I couldn't bear showing the imperfections of my body.
Photo Credit: #LoveYourLines, Instagram
It wasn't until I was well into my twenties that I finally decided to wear a pair of shorts and not care what anyone had to say about “those" or me. My first attempt was a trip to the beach (which I hadn't been to in years). It was there that I saw men and women letting their stretch marks show without a care in the world. This gave me confidence. If they could do it, so could I. But my old, timid way of thinking came back. And even though I was there, at the beach wearing shorts; I still got nervous when people stood or walked behind me, “Are they looking at my legs?" I'd think to myself.
After that beach experience, I still didn't wear shorts a lot. I had to get past the mental aspect of it. I had to grow confidence. In doing so I learned that it was fear that had me hiding in pants all those past years. The fear of not being perfect led me to sacrifice comfort with myself and my body. I was too busy comparing myself to other girls and then women.
The way I used to think about my body when I was younger was damaging. The things we say about ourselves, our worst enemies probably aren't even thinking.
And if our thoughts on a particular issue are negative, they can stay that way for years. I had to learn how to accept my body and its imperfections- they add character and separate me from others.
I also had to renew my mind, and get rid of all the negative thoughts I had when it came to “those" and accept that I got them because I grew a shape (which I love) during puberty and my stretch marks are just a reminder of that.
I am now at a place in my life where I know I am perfect the way I am, and wearing clothing that shows my calves is no longer an issue for me. Being comfortable in my skin and with who I am is far more important than anything I think someone could possibly be thinking or saying about me or “those."
It's important that we love our flaws just as much as our perfections, and that we remind ourselves that even the parts of us unseen are still beautiful.
Check out some photos below from Alex Elle's #LoveYourLines campaign of women who are unapologetically embracing their stretch marks.
Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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