I Learned The Importance Of Self-Care After Being Diagnosed With Bell's Palsy
Since I was a teenager, I've been conditioned to be independent and ambitious. Against some family members and friends' advice, I applied to a more selective university and was accepted. Upon graduation, I relocated to urban Northern Virginia instead of returning to rural hometown Virginia. And when it came to building a finance career, I was focused on promotions and paychecks. But being a go-getter came with a whole other set of responsibilities that I had to fulfill that weren't even my own.
Much like a scene from an episode of Being Mary Jane, “Purging and Cleansing", when Kara pretty much tells MJ that she can't be the head of everyone's household. If you follow the show, you know MJ not only takes care of her own home, but she also maintains order in her parents' home, including supplementing her family's financial downfalls and acting as the family spokesperson to deliver the news everyone else needs to say but no one wants to deliver.
Last season, her brother Patrick, who is a recovering drug addict, takes a prescription drug to get him through the day. So MJ stages an intervention at her parents' home on their behalf, but ends up being the one taking her niece, Patrick's daughter D'Asia, to and from school. Kara tells MJ that she's taken on her parents' fight in addition to starting a new chapter in her career, not to mention still dealing with the aftermath of a breakup, her best friend Lisa's death, and her extortionist CeCe's never-ending demands.
“And then everybody's gonna turn around and wonder why you drowned," Kara says.
Or sometimes they don't.
When I lived long-distance, I, too, filled financial gaps by making periodic deposits in accounts, but I also received family's mail to interpret the fine print on documents, completed forms and made calls on their behalf to resolve issues, and found myself in the middle of disputes. At times I grew resentful. I asked myself why nearly every phone call ended with a problem. And I often wondered why none of the other adults could make decisions, until of course they messed something up, and I had to be the one to research it and fix it. But things were at least manageable from a distance. It wasn't until I returned to my home to launch a writing career that I became overwhelmed.
There were family members in my house, one with the most cute, bubbly, inquisitive child, and since I freelance from home, I inadvertently fell into the "live-in nanny" trap. I turned into the person to get the child dressed and on the bus and the person to get her off. And eventually the default person to babysit period because the assumption was I had no real job, which to most is defined as one inside a brick and mortar establishment with a time clock. In the meantime, I was grinding to get more published bylines and my own deposits. I was up beyond midnight and up again by 7 a.m. for bus duty. With everything I already had going on, I was barely staying afloat.
One weekend, I helped a cousin make last minute preparations for her wedding. I recall having a dull ache behind my right ear during the rehearsal dinner, and for the next two days I kept biting the inside right of my lip. Throughout the reception, I enjoyed my freedom for the first time in weeks, but I noticed the puzzled looks and unusual concern for my well-being.
“Are you OK?" most asked.
“Yes! If one mo' person asks me that question…!" I retorted.
The next morning, the mother of the new bride cooked a huge brunch. I remember taking my first plate outside and glancing at my image in a car window while laughing. It looked “funny" but I thought, Aren't all reflections distorted? My second plate was an awesome loaded omelet to order. This time I sat in the family room trying to relish the combination of spinach, fresh tomatoes, and pungent onions, but when I tried to lick my lips, my tongue couldn't reach the right side of my mouth!
I rushed to the bathroom to look in the mirror. I looked normal.
Smile.
Then I realized my mouth only moved on the left. In fact, not only did my mouth not stretch to the right, I couldn't blink my right eye independent of my left one!
My cousin and I quietly exited the house of 50 guests – thinking I was having a stroke – and rushed to the emergency room where the doctor ultimately diagnosed me with Bell's Palsy, a temporary paralysis or weakness on one side of the face.
“I don't know what type of stress you're under," she says, “but I suggest you eliminate it."
She prescribed an antibiotic in case it was caused by some sort of infection and a 10-day steroid regimen. I later learned the pain behind my ear was the first symptom.
I returned home with the intent of resting for a few weeks.
“Can you get her off the bus?" my relative asked a day or two later.
I looked at her, incredulously. Did she not see my damn face? I'm not healed! “Are you going somewhere or something?"
“No," she responded.
It was that moment I realized I had to change my environment if I wanted to get better.
It took a pirate patch and three more weeks before I could blink my eye, and a few more months for my vision to not blur when staring at the computer and for me to drink without drooling or have a normal smile again.
It was a scary moment, but the experience taught me the meaning of self-care and that it's more than hair appointments and spa treatments. I also learned that although I may feel guilty, I can't give away all of me even if I think I have a little bit to spare.
The idea of a strong Black woman is a proven fact; the one of I-can-do-everything-because-I-am-Superwoman is a dangerous myth.
As I continued to watch the conversation between Kara and MJ play out, I caught myself nodding in agreement. “You need to be a little selfish right now," she says. “You need to see who else is capable of showing up."
But more importantly, I need to stop saving folks who don't care if I sink or swim. It's really okay for me to just say, “No."
Featured image by Shutterstock
I write about lifestyle and women's health and wellness. When I'm not in front of a computer screen crafting stories, I'm in a kitchen crafting cocktails. Follow me on the 'gram @teronda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
Photo courtesy
My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
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Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
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The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
Photo Courtesy
The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
Photo courtesy
The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
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