How I Handled Being Pregnant In College
I always thought I was going to be married by 27 and have my first baby at 30.
Ever since I was a little girl my mom always told me to go to school, get an education, get a good j-o-b, then find a husband to start a family--and in that order! Thanks to her, I had my life all planned out because she always said that “when you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” Life goals were drilled into my way of thinking for as long as I could remember so I knew nothing else. At night I would have dreams about walking down the aisle in the most beautiful dress, driving a nice car to work, and living in a mansion with two kids. Let me tell you, my dreams were on fleek!
[Tweet "“When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”"]
My older sister was a lawyer that graduated from Princeton University and Howard Law School, so the pressure was on! I wanted things to go the way my mom expected so much that anytime someone advised me not to be like the “fast girls” they saw on TV--pregnant at 16--my answer was simple; I’m not getting married until I turn 27. What my mom failed to tell me about this ten-year plan was that sometimes plan A fails so you need to make sure you have plan B on deck.
In the fall semester of my freshman year of college I found myself pregnant. My first reaction was to hunt my ex-boyfriend down and hurt him for making me think he wasn't going to give me a baby. He was older than I was, so I let him convince me that the "pull out method" was the way to go because it felt better and he loved me *insert eye roll emoji here*. We had a few scares while I was in high school where he would rush to the store and buy a pregnancy test, but it would always be a false alarm. After the first two times of playing that game, he thought that I couldn't get pregnant - because how dare he be the problem right? So that's what I started to believe. I literally told my new dude, “You don’t have to use a condom because I can’t get pregnant."
I know, I know….what about STD’s?! I was young, naive and uneducated. Sue me. The only thing I knew about sex was that I was doing it. I didn't care about the casualties. So after three years of thinking I couldn't get pregnant, you can imagine the look on my face when aunt flo didn’t make her monthly rounds after having sex with my new boyfriend for the first time. Someone owed me an explanation. What's funny is that my ex now has two children, so I guess it just wasn't in our destiny.
[Tweet "The only thing I knew about sex was that I was doing it."]
My second reaction was to change my name, get a passport, and flee the country before my parents found out. All my life they preached about having children at a young age; it was like the plague. While I was in high school my step brother had four children, wasn’t financially stable, was struggling to take care of them (my parents words not mine), and I was his designated babysitter. So naturally I heard my step dad talk about him and his wife’s financial woes, and every single time he would look at me and say. “You better not bring any rugrats in this house while you living under my roof.” It was always the look that followed his words that scared me the most.
In my defense I was technically not under his roof anymore, so it shouldn’t have been an issue. But I knew it would be because he was helping to pay for my college education at an elite university. So if we were being really technical, I was still under his damn roof. So my mind was made up, there was no way in hell I was telling my parents that I was pregnant. I wasn’t married and I was only 18, they weren’t going to go for that. So instead I told my boyfriend.
And while I was steady planning my funeral, he was ready to conquer the world. But I just couldn’t do it. Having a child at 19 was not in my "married by 27, baby by 30" plan, and did I mention my step dad carried his gun case around like it was a wallet? I wasn’t trying to be on an episode of the First 48: Miami.
My parents would kill me so I had to find another solution. Immediately I started researching local abortion clinics and started making calls to find out just how much of my financial aid I was going to have to sacrifice. I was willing to pay whatever in order to keep my sanity, my education, and my parents in tact. After my boyfriend told his mother she said that if I was going to make that decision she would help me pay for it (she later tried to talk me out of it).
So the plan was in motion. The sacrifice: a jewelry set from my ex. I’d hit the jackpot!
When the weekend rolled around, we hopped on a Greyhound and took a 10-hour bus ride home to Miami. We stayed at his mother's house, but I didn’t tell my parents I was there because I'd yet to tell them I was pregnant. The plan was to go to Miami, get the procedure done, and they would never have to know. But when God is in control you can not hide the truth. I was told by the clinic that since I was in the fifth month of my pregnancy it would be what they called a high risk abortion, and it was going to cost almost $2,000. A high risk abortion meaning that I could die while they were doing the surgery. His mom wasn’t having that, and by the end of the weekend I was calling to tell my parents I was having a baby.
[Tweet "When God's in control you can't hide the truth."]
The hardest thing I ever had to do was tell my mom I was pregnant at the age of 18. To this day I still get chills thinking about it. After I listened to her have a mental breakdown over the phone, I realized just how much I disappointed her. Our conversation ended with her hanging up on me in the middle of trying to explain my new plan with this new life I was about to bring into the world. At that moment I was no longer upset with myself for getting pregnant, I was upset because I failed my mother.
It was also in that moment that I realized I could no longer worry about her opinion. My entire life was centered around pleasing her and I hated the dynamics of our relationship, or lack thereof, because I could never tell her what was going on with me. I was constantly afraid of her reaction and I used to envy my friends who had that type of relationship with their mothers because I wanted that for us. I would call myself mimicking them by trying to talk to her and tell her what was happening in my life, but the conversations never worked out the way I pictured in my head. She always talked about how I doing and how I needed to do what she was doing that I felt like I didn't matter. I still don't really know why it was that way, I figured it was due to the age gap, but now that I was having my own child I had to let that go. I didn’t hear from her for a while, validating that she would not support me or the decision I made to keep my child.
[Tweet "I was no longer upset with myself for getting pregnant, I was upset because I failed my mother."]
I left Miami feeling defeated as my boyfriend and I boarded a Greyhound back to Tallahassee. It was during the trip back that I had what Auntie Oprah likes to call an “aha moment.” While we were making a stop in Ft. Lauderdale to pick up more passengers, the bus passed a courthouse surrounded by protestors. In their hands were signs that read:
“A fetus heart starts beating after five weeks. Don’t become a murderer, no more abortions!”
As harsh as it sounded, it was real and I knew it was a sign from God. I tried everything in my power to get an abortion TWICE. The first time I was only 10 seconds into the procedure before the pain became too much and I couldn’t go through with it. The second time was our trip to Miami. I was willing to put both my health and my child’s health at risk because of fear. As I stared out the window at the protesters, I came to the conclusion that an abortion just wasn’t in God’s plan for me. You can have as many plans as you want, but HIS plan will always be plan A; whether you know it or not.
Telling my parents was just the first hurdle. When we got back to Tallahassee I realized I hadn’t been to a single doctor yet because I was too busy trying to hide it and make it “go away.” I didn’t have my mom or anyone to advise me, so I really didn’t know what to do. It was then that the internet became my best friend.
I know I’m not alone in my experience and every time I look at my daughter I think about how there’s a girl who was just like me sitting in her dorm room feeling like their life just ended. So here’s a few tips for anyone who is going through the same thing and doesn’t know where to start; you aren’t alone.
1. Talk to somebody!
After I told my parents and we got back to school, I fell into a depression. At the time I didn’t know it but looking back I definitely was depressed. I refused to go to class because I couldn’t sleep at night; I was always tired and I was stressed out. I didn’t start showing until I was about to pop so for the remainder of my spring semester I hid in my
dorm room away from the few friends I did have. I was at a school 600 miles away, my boyfriend was there, and so was my best friend, but I still felt alone.
Every campus has a counselor, use them! They are usually located in or near your health service building and the cost to speak to them is free so you don’t have to worry about any fees. If the idea of telling all your business to a stranger isn’t your cup of tea then find a teacher that you can talk with. It’s best to seek advice from someone who is older and may have the experience, but even talking to your friends and the father of your child will relieve some of the weight you are carrying on your shoulders (not the weight in your stomach, you’re just going to have to get used to that honey).
Whatever you do, don’t shut people out because it will only do damage emotionally to you that can potentially harm the child.
2. Tell your parents.
As much as it might pain you, tell your parents! I wish I hadn’t waited so long because part of the reason my mother was so devastated was because I didn’t come to her first. I didn’t understand it then but seven years into motherhood, I do now. I would be devastated if my daughter didn’t tell me something as simple as she held a boy’s hand. I want to be there for her in those moments, no matter what it is and no matter how I may react. It may be hard to do, but try role reversal and see how you would feel if you were them and didn’t know what was going on in your child’s life.
It’s important to know that although you tell them they might not agree with your decision. Be prepared to not receive the support you want because it does happen. And that’s okay. Some things take time to adjust to. It wasn’t until my baby shower that my parents decided to come around. I was hurt, and that’s natural, but I choose to forgive and move on. If you dwell on things, it only makes the situation worse.
3. Don’t be afraid of government assistance.
I wasn’t raised on welfare and didn’t know a thing about food stamps before I got pregnant. All I knew was that if it was anything like what I saw on Everybody Hates Chris, I wasn’t about that life. My boyfriend, on the other hand, spent the majority of his childhood living that lifestyle. Before we left Miami his aunt and cousin educated us on WIC and SNAP; they were spilling all the tea! I won’t lie, I was very hesitant. The first time I walked into a WIC office I was expecting single mothers with four or five children running around not listening, and a line wrapped around the building. But it was the exact opposite. Most of them were two-parent families and the wait time wasn’t long (it’s like getting your hair done, go early to avoid the crowd). The ignorant jokes people always made about welfare were the source of my assumptions and here I was being proved wrong.
If you don’t know where to start looking, check your state’s welfare service website and see what they have to offer. WIC provides vouchers for foods that they have deemed essential for the necessary nutrients your body needs i.e. milk, cheese, peanut butter, beans, cereal, juice, etc. A few years ago they added vouchers with dollar amounts to be used only for fruits and vegetables. They also provide vouchers so you can redeem baby formula, that way you’re not coming out of pocket $6 to $12 a can--depending on what your child eats a can goes up to $20. Some states have gotten really fancy and have put the vouchers on debit like cards, similar to what SNAP has done. The WIC office also does checkups regularly, and shots for children who haven't gotten their immunizations. It’s a very useful program that can save you a few hundred dollars a month and it’s not only for pregnant women. You can receive WIC after your child is born until they turn five.
4. Consider your living arrangements.
Being pregnant and living on campus can be difficult. If you have a roommate, don’t go overboard with the special treatment. Respect her space because the room is just as much hers as it is yours. If you’re still with the father make sure you come up with an agreement on when he can be there because it’s important that he be apart of the process too. Be sure to set your boundaries as well. Now that you’re pregnant it’s not only about you, you have to think about the baby and the last thing you want is for her to eat your food or take your vitamins. Just saying.
Once you handle the present, start planning your living arrangements for the future. If you’ve decided to keep the baby, will you be staying on campus or off? Our schools didn’t allow mothers or co-eds to live in the dorms so we had to look elsewhere. Fortunately, I was due during the summer, so after the spring semester we lived with his mother until it was time to go back to school. By the time fall semester came around, the baby was born and we were moving back to Tallahassee and into an off campus apartment that was close enough for him to take the bus to class because we didn’t have a car yet.
If you're not sure if your school will allow you to stay on campus or not, ask your dorm room Resident Assistant (RA) or manager. If you don't have one you can always make an appointment with your school’s housing director, or simply stop by their offices to find out how they handle pregnancies so that you know what choices you have in order to be more prepared. There are so many people who will be willing to help you and not judge your situation, you would be surprised.
5. You can always go back to school when you’re ready.
After I had my daughter I decided school wasn’t for me and I chose not to start classes in the fall. While my boyfriend went back to finish undergrad, I stayed at home and was a mom for the first two years of our child’s life. When I decided I was ready to go back, I re-enrolled as a full time student and it was like starting all over again. Before I left, my Spring semester grades were horrible so the dean put me on academic probation for the first semester so that I could replace the previous grades. I studied my ass off because I refused to make a fool out of myself. The dean was taking chance on me and I wasn't going to let someone else down.
I took 12-15 hours each semester, summers included. As an art major that was tough because I would have three hour-long courses where I was standing on my feet building or painting. Some semesters I had two classes in one day, so I was doing both. Juggling classes and being a mother wasn’t easy, but together we were able to make our schedules work so that while one was in school the other was home taking care of our daughter. Daycare was not an option for us. Financially or morally.
The hard work eventually paid off because two years later, I graduated with my BA from Florida State University in Studio Art. Walking across the stage was an amazing feeling. The entire time I felt like I had something to prove to the people who were constantly judging my decision to stay at home for the first two years. I hated being asked, “when are you going back to school?” or “when are you two getting married?” The pressure was real but I wanted to do things on my own terms. We knew what we were and weren’t ready for. We already made one wrong life changing decision, so I couldn’t understand why they were forcing us to make another.
If you truly think being pregnant is the end all be all, there is nothing wrong with leaving school and deciding to walk away. Don’t feel as if it’s a “bad decision” because it’s not. There’s no age limit on school so you can always go back at a later time. Don’t feel pressured to go back to school either due to judgement or other’s opinion, even from your family because they’ll be the first to say it. If you don’t think you’re ready don’t waste your time or money. I know so many people with college degrees, bachelors and masters, that aren’t using them or can’t find employment. We’re in 2015, an education of higher learning is not the only way you can get a job. School isn’t for everyone so always remember that there are other options.
And just as I did, if you decide you want to return to the same school, you don’t always have to go through the application process. At most schools you can make an appointment to see the dean of either undergrad or graduate studies (whichever program you’re in) and they’ll be able to help you.
Getting pregnant in college doesn’t have to be the end all be all. Whether you decide to keep it or not, remember it’s your body and you have to live with your decision for the rest of your life.
Check the next page for a video of Taraji P. Henson acceptance speech at the Big in 2015 Awards about how she handled being pregnant in college.
Have you ever been pregnant while in school? Share your experience in the comments.
- Pregnant While In College || How to Manage - YouTube ›
- Getting pregnant in college wasn't the end of my story, but the ... ›
- What It's Like Being The Pregnant College Student | Thought Catalog ›
- I Got Pregnant My Senior Year of College | Her Campus ›
- 22 Students Reveal The Uncomfortable Reality Of Being Pregnant In ... ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Think Homeownership Is Out Of Reach? Here's The Starter Guide To Buying A House
When it comes to homeownership, many of us might be holding some preconceived notions as well as valid fears that it's just out of reach. From the unstable housing market to rising prices, to challenges with employment and other financial factors, it might seem that owning a home was something only our grandmothers or mothers could enjoy. But all hope is not lost.
In fact, research points to Black women being the leaders behind a boost in homeownership in the past few years, and even during the pandemic, we continued on our plight to leaving renting for ownership.
If you've had some doubts or don't know where to start, here's a quick guide for prepping to make your homeownership dreams a reality:
1. Get your mind right.
A 2022 Bank of America survey found that while 48% of Black women "feel confident about their finances," only 28% actually "feel empowered to take action" fueled by this confidence.
This first step is often overlooked, but oftentimes, when we're starting any new journey, especially one that involves a big change both physically (i.e. moving to a whole new environment) and financially, you'll need to set your mind on positive thoughts, confidence, and boldness. You have to know that you can indeed be a homeowner, that you deserve the desires of your heart, and that you are more than capable of navigating the process.
With high rates of student loan debt, rental income disparities, and a lot of the home responsibilities falling on us, among other challenges, it can indeed seem like a tough feat to go the homeownership route, but it is certainly doable with the right mindset, strategy, and support.
Lean into affirmations, prayer, therapy, coaching, and real-life inspiration to clear your mind of doubts and fears and use that energy to progress toward your dream home purchase. Open your mind to all the options, resources, and programs that are afforded to you and the alternative ways to reach your goals.
2. Get real about your finances.
Many experts agree on this second step, as you'll need to know where you are financially in order to be sure of what type of house you want, where you want to live, and whether you can afford the mortgage. Usually, this includes having (or creating) a budget and getting to know your expenses versus your take-home pay. If you don't already have a budget, create one and start to really get focused on knowing exactly what money's coming in and what's going out.
Also, getting into a savings routine and looking into investing, even if it's as simple as signing up for your 401K with your job, opening a retirement account on your own via companies like Fidelity or JP Morgan, or starting brokerage accounts with platforms like Charles Schwab or Robinhood. This will allow you to get into the habit of building wealth and having multiple sources to tap into in terms of financial assets.
3. Stop counting yourself out due to reasons like "bad credit" or low income.
If you need assistance with budgeting or learning more about money management, there are free resources out there (try here or here). You can also tap into local resources like nonprofits, financial advisers, or the professionals you bank with, especially if it's a credit union.
There are also resources for strategizing how to improve your credit, boost your income, and develop better financial fitness habits, so tap into those as well. You can do this! Sit down, write out your goals, work with a coach, and start one small step at a time.
Bad credit and other financial challenges don't necessarily bar you from achieving your dreams of owning a home. Look into rent-to-own options or financiers who offer home loans to people with credit under 620. There are also federal lenders that are ideal for those with low or no credit.
Go into your current bank and get to know your options so that you'll know what's actually available to you and what's possible beyond the fears or negative self-talk. Take a free class via the National Urban League or other local resources through a quick Google search. You'd be surprised what options are out there when you simply make a few appointments, do a bit of research, network, and ask.
4. Figure out your plan for your first payment and the right mortgage fit.
A down payment is often required (or at least encouraged) when you're buying a home, so once you've gotten clear on your financial status, what type of house you want, where, and how much you can afford based on your income, think about how you'll save up (or pay) the first payment for the investment.
Twenty percent of the total cost of the home has often been mentioned as a place to start, but experts say you don't necessarily have to have that much. However, be aware that when you put down less than that, you'll have to get mortgage insurance, and it will likely add to your monthly mortgage payment, so keep that in mind. There are assistance programs on the state and federal levels that can help you navigate this and even assist with the cost, especially if you're a first-time homebuyer. (Start here for more great information on this.)
Getty Images
When it comes to your dream home and consideration of a mortgage, think outside the box. Your dream home might be a $500,000 ranch-style home in a major metro area but if that's going to have you living above your means or struggling to pay the down payment and monthly mortgage in tough times, considering an adjacent city or county in the same state or the same type of house in an area that's more up-and-coming.
There are also different types of mortgages that might be a good fit for you based on various factors. For example, conventional loans offer low minimum down payments but have more stringent qualifications, while FHA loans are mortgages backed by the Federal Housing Administration and are generally easier to qualify for but have stricter requirements related to mortgage insurance. (You can research more information on types of loans and how to qualify here and here.)
5. Start the pre-approval process and ask lots of questions before agreeing to a loan.
You'll also need to get pre-approved, so once you've found the right type of loan, do your research on who to partner with on your mortgage. Be sure, for example, that if you're going for an FHA loan, the loan provider is FHA-approved. According to NerdWallet, prospective home buyers should consider how a lender’s sample rates compare with today's mortgage rates, determine the closing costs, and "compare mortgage origination fees.” Become super-aware of the terms and timing for the loans and how these might change over time or in the future. Ask lots of questions or get help via a reputable consultant or coach.
Preapproval is necessary for getting the "real numbers," because lenders have access to detailed information about your finances. The process will include a hard credit inquiry, which shows up on your credit report, however, when you apply with multiple lenders around the same time, according to Bankrate, it only counts as one hard pull. This is because credit scoring models "take mortgage rate-shopping into account" and "group multiple inquiries together" if the credit checks all happen within a 45-day period. You'll need documents including W2s, pay stubs, and others (listed here.)
You can use the pre-approved lender at the end of the process, once you're ready to buy, or you can use a new one if, by the end of the process, you've found a better deal.
6. Research and vet your real estate agent before contracting with them.
Experts recommend interviewing multiple buyer's agents to be sure you're getting someone with your best interests at heart. Ask family, friends, and coworkers for referrals, look at the agent's online reviews, and be sure they're licensed in your state. Check out their Zillow or other professional profiles online and look at their track record. Ask them questions like "How long have you been in business," "How well do you know the area," and "How will you be corresponding with me, and how often?" (Here's a full list of interview questions for getting started.)
There’s a difference between a buyer’s agent, who represents a homebuyer in a real estate transaction, and a seller’s or listing agent, who is responsible for looking out for the seller, including pricing and marketing the home. Many agents do both, but some specialize in one or the other. Some states don’t allow dual agency, and it can there are some risks associated with that. There are referral agents who provide leads to other agents for a fee.
7. When shopping around, take your time and don't make hasty decisions.
Work with your real estate agent to view properties and think along the lines of making a long-term investment. You'll more than likely be living in the house for quite some time (even if you plan to sell and move on later) so you'll want to have some forethought on your why and how you'd like to live in the long term. Think about the community, how you'll live in the home, and what will best suit your long-term needs.
Real estate agents also recommend looking for red flags when viewing a home like poor tiling, evidence of leaks, or covering of flaws (such as "strong perfumes" or gaps in tile, for example). Be aware of potential issues like bodies of water nearby (possibility of flooding) or paint bubbling around windows (possible problems with ventilation). They also recommend looking past the aesthetics, lifting carpets, or asking about recent property maintenance.
While this guide is simply a snapshot to get you started, allow it to encourage you to go boldly for your dreams of homeownership with confidence and a plan. Be sure to utilize all resources afforded to you, do your research, and walk proudly into your next elevation to owning the home of your dreams.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Riska/Getty Images