How To Not Lose Yourself In Love
I remember reading a story awhile back about a woman who was married for a long time; she had a family and everything but eventually grew tired of it all. So guess what she did? She packed her bags, left her husband and kids, and traveled across country to California to begin a whole new life. It left me wondering, “what would cause a woman to do all of this?"
While I don't encourage this type of behavior, I'm sympathetic towards her plight and willing to bet at some point or another she felt overwhelmed, frustrated and confused, which ultimately led to her feeling like she lost herself.
Although this story falls on the extreme end of the spectrum, a lot of us have either heard or experienced similar situations where it seemed like we lost our identity or we lost ourselves. We stopped hanging with our family and friends, stopped pursuing our goals and dreams, and even worse, we placed our spiritual relationship on the back burner, and all because of a relationship…or lack thereof.
Ironically, sometimes love, or what appears to be love, finds us but we end up losing ourselves in it. So, how do we avoid this?
Get a life and let him have one too.
I'm not that woman who can't let her man outside of her presence for more than five seconds. Just because we enjoy spending time with our friends doesn't mean we love each other any less. We have a partnership that's built on trust, honesty, communication, mutual understanding, and respect. Furthermore, even though we have two totally different careers and aspirations, I can pursue my goals and passions while he pursues his and we support each other. We both live our lives without living two separate lives going in two separate directions.
Before I met my husband, I had a habit of trying to change who or what I wanted to be based on the particular guy I was dating at the moment. Because I wanted so badly for them to like me and I craved the attention, I started taking on their lives and deserted my own plans. I stopped studying like I should. I stopped focusing on my goals. I stopped hanging out with my friends and family. At one point, I even considered dropping out of school just to take on his career choice as if it were my own. How crazy was that? I was making unnecessary sacrifices for someone I wasn't even married to, let alone for someone I knew I wasn't going to marry! I say all that to say, don't get so wrapped up in someone else's life so much so that you neglect your own life.
Be the woman a man needs, not a needy woman.
So, the theory is: women want to feel wanted and men want to feel needed, but most men don't want a woman who is so desperately dependent on them that they can't stand on their own two feet. On those days when my husband has dealt with all he's dealt with or when he has a moment, he needs to know I can be just as strong and supportive for him as he is for me. Because I didn't have my father around growing up and I craved love and affection, I used to rely on men to validate me and provide for me what I couldn't provide for myself - self-love. I wanted them to be the man that was missing in my life; not realizing they could never be that.
While compliments, attention, and encouragement help boost our confidence and help make us feel even better ourselves, we can't rely solely on other people - whether male or female - to give us what we can only give ourselves. Self-esteem has everything to do with myself, not everyone else.
[Tweet "Men don't want a woman who is so desperately dependent on them that they can't stand on their own."].
Don't always succumb to the pressure.
Sometimes as women, it can feel as if we're being pressured on all sides for certain things - relationships, family, career, our audience, etc. Even though it comes from a place of love, people and society will try to pressure you into making life-altering decisions. When my husband and I got married, that's all everyone asked about - even strangers - and sometimes people made me feel guilty about waiting to have children. It was as if I was being judged for my decision and wasn't giving my husband what was "rightly due to him," but what people didn't understand was: 1) The real reason why I was waiting to have children based on my background and experiences, and 2) I was not willing to sacrifice the plans for our marriage merely because of what others wanted us to do. Besides, a lot of married folk who had been married for much longer than us almost always told us that we made a good decision by choosing to wait so we could enjoy each other and get to know each other even more as newlyweds.
So, don't feel like you have to do things based on what other people say or do. Every marriage and relationship is different, and everyone is on a different life journey when it comes to careers and life changes. If you succumb to the pressure of doing something you don't really want to do, then you could end up with a heart full of resentment and regret.
[Tweet "Don't feel like you have to do things based on what other people say or do."]
Always keep God first.
When I was single and didn't understand how to wait, I was constantly searching and looking for love. It was easy to get caught up in the madness of dating, which resulted in two things: 1) I was more concerned about pleasing others instead of God and 2) I put God on the back burner. Now, as a married woman, and despite just how much I love and adore my husband, I can't neglect my relationship with God. There is no us without Him, so not only is God a priority for me but He's a priority for my husband as well. Don't neglect the relationship you need the most just so you can have the relationship you want.
Squeeze in some “me" time.
Because of our natural tendency as women to love and help nurture the lives of others, it's easy to forget to take care of ourselves. Listen, I live for a good calendar, checklist, and task list, but some of us give until we have nothing left to give, or until our bodies shut down and force us to sit down somewhere. While our main purpose here on Earth is to serve God and His people, how useful can we really be in helping others if we lack the spiritual, mental, and physical nourishment we need?
Sometimes saying “no" to everyone else means saying “yes" to yourself.
I used to struggle with saying "no," and still do sometimes. But my husband has helped me with this. He's reminded me that I can't be everything to everybody and the fact that other people don't have a problem saying "no" when they need to. At times, I've had to say no to certain events, outings, or plans and not because I wanted to, but in most cases, I had to because my schedule was so packed or I didn't have enough rest. Just like the safety instructions on a plane tell us, “Put on your oxygen mask first before you begin helping others." It's not about being selfish; rather it's about being the best we can be to and for ourselves so we can be the best to and for everyone else.
Be willing to compromise as long as it doesn't compromise who you are.
One of the things I love so much about my husband is the fact that he allows me to be myself, crazy and all, despite how different (yet similar) we are. While I love being my husband's wife and I love being married, I also love being who God created me to be and carrying out God's plans for my life. There was a time, however, when that wasn't the case, and I was in love with the idea of being in love and carrying out the plans of whoever I was dating at the time. I often sacrificed my moral standards, forgot about who I was and what I was supposed to be doing, and put everything else on the back burner for the sake of being with someone.
Compromise is especially important when it comes to marriage and relationships, but it doesn't work if only one person is willing to compromise. You don't have to settle for someone and sacrifice what you believe merely for the sake of being with someone. I have learned the one who truly loves you will love you for you and they won't make you choose between what is right or wrong based on their own selfish desires/motives.
For example, if it's truly your desire to remain a virgin or celibate until you get married, then the one who is truly meant for you won't make you choose between him and your standards. That may not seem realistic to everyone and we all walk a different path, but my husband and I remained celibate until we got married and I didn't have to fight him about it. Moreover, when it comes to what I want to do in life and who I want to be, he doesn't fight me on it. Hence, I don't have to feel like I'm sacrificing who I am and who I want to be.
[Tweet "The one who is truly meant for you won't make you choose between him and your standards."]
At the end of the day, remember to do you, be you and love yourself. You can have love and still have a life. Don't get so caught up in searching for something that you end up getting lost or losing what's most important - you.
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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