From Miss Independent To 'Mrs': Why These Adjustments Are Necessary
I was watching Tyrese and Rev. Run's new TV show It's Not You, It's Men on OWN the other day and they were discussing relationships and independent women. Tyrese went as far as to say, "Don't independence yourself into loneliness." Although there have been numerous songs produced that celebrate the independent woman (by both men and women), unfortunately some men lack the understanding of our independence.
[easy-tweet tweet="Don't independence yourself into loneliness - @tyrese"]
Personally, I think it's a great discussion and I don't think they were bashing women by having this conversation. However, there are some guys who have a tendency to bash those of us who instinctively, and sometimes unknowingly, rely so heavily on our independence without fully comprehending the rationale for our actions. Furthermore, some of them fail to acknowledge their unwillingness to uphold their responsibilities as a man, which has ultimately forced so many of us into the independent role. But that’s a whole other topic.
Nonetheless, it made me think about my personal experience as a single, independent woman and then my transition as a wife. As someone who was raised in a single-parent home, like many other women I know, it wasn't a surprise that I practically gained the personality and mindset of the infamous lady known as “Miss Independent.” When you've been raised without a prominent father figure in the home or in your life, quite naturally you often become self-sufficient and tend to lack the knowledge, let alone need, for what it means to depend on a man for anything.
When Miss Independent and the Mrs. Meet
I remember watching the movie Think Like a Man and seeing glimpses of myself in Taraji P. Henson’s character. She was strong, outspoken, successful in her own right and she was all about girl power. She was the epitome of “Miss Independent.” When I was single, this was perfect for me because it was exactly that power, drive and my faith in God that has and continues to push me to pursue my goals and aspirations.
However, it wasn’t until I started dating my husband, and soon after we got married, when I realized how my independence was causing conflict within our relationship. I always knew I wanted a strong, black man, but I didn’t realize what that really meant, let alone what it truly means to be "one" in marriage. It was difficult at times to transition from “Miss Independent” to “Mrs.” because it was all so new to me (Side note: I use the term "transition" very loosely because I can't say that it's something that ever truly goes away). Quite honestly, I wasn’t used to having a man around who actually wanted to do certain things for me.
Sometimes, it was as simple as opening the door or even carrying the groceries for me. For so long, I was used to doing these things for myself simply because I had to. Now, there was someone who was actually trying to help me. However, when my husband tried to do these things for me I responded in a negative way like, “I can open my own door,” or “I can carry my own groceries,” or "I can do it myself." My tone would come off as condescending or disrespectful and I was unaware of how offensive this was to my husband. There were other times when I didn't have to even say anything because I said enough through my actions or body language.
My aha moment: I didn't realize the need to do things on my own was causing my man to feel as if I didn't need (or want) him.
I heard at a conference once before, “Men interpret lack of need for lack of respect." I didn't want my husband to think I didn't respect him. Nevertheless, it was important for us to discuss this so he could gain a better understanding of why I was "wired" the way I was and why I was constantly trying to do everything myself.
It's interesting because we say we want a man who does certain things, but I couldn't on one hand say, "I want a good man who does this and that for me," and then later have an attitude like, “I don’t need a man to do what I can do for myself." Instead, it's about acknowledging the good men who are willing to step up to the plate, and allowing them to be the man they want and need to be to us and for us.
The more we talked, the deeper I looked within myself and the more I dealt with my "daddy issues," I realized my whole concept of family and children was heavily influenced by my independence and abandonment issues. For example, when we started talking more and more about having children, it was obvious that I wanted to wait but my husband didn't seem to understand why I was so hesitant. I had to be honest with him and myself and admit that I actually saw children as a burden rather than a blessing and unbeknownst to me, I was scared of having to raise them on my own.
It's funny because even though I was married, there was a part of me that thought "But what if he leaves me to raise these children by myself? How will I do all of this alone?" My independent mindset and abandonment issues had kicked in yet again, only later realizing that it was stifling my growth as a woman and a wife. I feared a future potential blessing because of a past burden.
[Tweet "I feared a future potential blessing because of a past burden."]
Nevertheless, with the help of my husband's reassurance, loyalty, a lot of patience and his commitment to be a good husband and father, I've learned to look at things quite differently as it relates to my husband, marriage and our potential future family. Unlike the seasons in my life when I had no choice but to be independent because I didn't have an earthly father or male figure, things are different now. I don't have to go at this alone. I can depend on him to be there and be a good father if and when that time comes to have a family.
I Still Have Independent Tendencies But I Depend on My Man Too
As a woman, it’s not like I can just flip a switch and turn off my independence completely. As I said earlier, the experiences and qualities I gained as an independent woman led me to become the woman I am today, and some of those characteristics are quite naturally still a part of me. Besides, had I been overly needy and unable to do anything on my own, my husband wouldn't have wanted to be with me anyway. As I like to put it, be the woman a man needs, not a needy woman.
Now, more than ever, I am more cognizant of how my independent tendencies can impact my marriage and how they can potentially overpower the relationship and isolate me from my husband. Instead of rejecting his assistance and trying to do everything on my own, I'm learning how to adjust and have a healthy balance. He, too, is learning how to adjust and make changes on his end as well with certain things.
It's important to show our men not only how much we love them, but how much we respect them. Simply put, we have to let a man be a man. Although there are guys who aren't willing to step up to the plate and be a man, there are still mature, responsible men who desire to be real men to real women.
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why You Should Implement The Closing Shift Cleaning Hack Into Your Daily Routine
A new cleaning hack could allow you to do away with Saturday cleaning altogether because your house is already tidy. Closing shift cleaning is a viral trend originally named by influencer Clara Pierce, who shared with her followers how she keeps her apartment clean and how that leads to productivity and a better overall experience in her apartment daily.
"Whenever I'm really trying to set myself up for success for the next day, I close up my apartment like I'm closing a shift at work. Sometimes, the closing shift involves cleaning my entire apartment, and other times, it involves cleaning it 10% to make sure that it's better for the next day," Pierce shared with her followers.
The Closing Shift Cleaning Hack
@clararpeirce goodnight 😴🫶🏼 #closingshift #closingshiftcleaning #nightroutine
The closing shift video has garnered over 3.8 million views, and the hashtag #closingshiftcleaning now has over 71.3 million views, proving that TikTok users are benefiting from this cleaning trend. Now that we've entered the spring equinox, I applied this trend to my own home and discovered that spending an hour tidying my home daily versus having days where I clean for hours was far more productive.
The day-to-day ways that your home can become messy with dirty dishes, clothes, boxes from packages, etc., can easily create an environment that isn't conducive to rest. My home is my sanctuary, and with a busy schedule, making time on the weekends for one big clean wasn't giving me the experience that I needed in my home.
But taking the time every night before I went to bed to clean allowed me to wake up in an environment that not only looks good but feels good for my space and my mind. It also helped me to develop a routine to clean my dog's food and drink bowls nightly so that he was also benefiting from the closing shift routine, as the FDA recommends washing pet food bowls and utensils "after each use" and cleaning water bowls daily.
Decluttering experts such as Rebekah of Organize for Love have shared similar organization skills across social media platforms and through their offerings for those looking to organize their homes and lives. In this Instagram post, she discusses the importance of scheduled decluttering as well as having a routine to clean.
Have you tried the closing shift cleaning hack for your daily routine, or are you team "get somebody else to do it" with a weekly housekeeper? Please sound off in the comments, and let's get to cleaning.
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