My Emotional Baggage Almost Ruined My Relationship
I’ve been hurt before.
I’ve been hurt several times.
I’ve experienced heartache in a way I wouldn’t recommend for my worst enemy.
It was the origin of all feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, and hatred.
I allowed heartache to be a heavy influence in the decisions I made. Most of which carried greater consequences, but at the time, I did not show any concern.
After the last break up with my child’s father, the time where I said “this was it” and actually followed through with it, I found myself making very careless decisions: engaging in relations with other men I never really took interest in, picked up a habit of smoking and drinking (more), and always looking for a babysitter to go out. Many would describe this as just living the college lifestyle, but for those who truly knew me, that was way outside of my character. I would blame my behavior on our broken relationship. He did this to me, therefore, this is why I am acting this way.
Little did I know how much power I was relinquishing from my own hands by succumbing to irrational emotions. I allowed the baggage from my former relationship to dictate my thoughts, actions, and behaviors from then on out.
I was avoiding accountability of my own flaws and wrongdoings.
I wanted to heal and recover so bad, but was going about it completely the wrong way. I was voluntarily ripping open my wound over and over again. With time, I did begin to heal and forgive, but I do know I am not all the way there yet.
I grew defensive VERY easy. The time it took to gain back self-respect, self-love, self-value, I’ve actually developed a very hard exterior that I don’t like peeling back. It is my protection, my covering. I developed a mindset to never let a man say certain things to me anymore or do certain things to me anymore. If I ever did have and interest in a guy and he did something as small as a mustard seed to offend me, I used that as my cue to drop him like we never met.
That was my repetition. No feelings. Things worked out better for me that way, I thought.
Until May of 2014, I entered into a relationship, and a serious one at that. I had already been friends with him for some years as we both went to the same university. This is my first relationship since my child’s father (even though I dated regularly but nothing official) so everything is completely new to me.
When I say everything he said and did was cause for me to jump to the defense, I mean EVERYTHING. It didn’t matter what it was, but I always found a reason to feel attacked by him. The first eight months of our relationship I always drove him to say,
“I DIDN’T DO THIS TO YOU!”
I was unfairly putting him in a position to mend a heart he had no parts in breaking.
It’s been a little over a year and a half in this relationship and I am beyond grateful for him, grateful for his love for my child, and grateful that he is willing to put up with my baggage. He is so patient with me. The crazy thing is if roles were reversed, I would’ve called it quits a long time ago.
Here are a few things I’ve learned about letting go of my emotional baggage in the time we’ve been together.
Look at the person and NOT the act
In the times I feel offended by something he has said or done, I have to keep him in mind as a person. Do I trust his intentions? Yes. Do I think he would ever set out to hurt me? No. If he did offend me, do I think it was on purpose? No. I make it a constant effort now to remind myself of this, and I’m doing A LOT better (well, you’ll have to ask him).
Remember the foundation of friendship
He is a very giving, selfless, and loyal individual. When we were just friends and I wasn’t checking for him (all of undergrad), he was always a good friend to others and me. Whether it was taking me to lunch, putting together furniture in my apartment, helping me move, or listening to my goals and aspirations! I can truly call him my homie, lover, and friend.
Learn to love past the flaws
If people just up and decided to leave us where we lay based on our flaws and shortcomings, all of us would be lonely individuals. He shows me my value as a person and that I was greater than my wrongs.
[Tweet "“I’d rather go through all of this with you than with anyone else.”"]
I don’t have it all together, but I do believe I have a healthier mindset and spirit because of him. I can honestly say I’ve loosened my grip on a lot of bags that Mama Erykah was speaking to me about years ago in her song 'Bag Lady':
Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold onto, is you, is you, is you
One day all them bags gon' get in your way
My partner has even taken some bags from my hands and tossed them to their rightful place.
Peeling off this hard exterior is not easy, but because I know I am genuinely loved and cared for, it makes it a little bit easier. Those bags aren’t worth passing up opportunities for healing, redemption, and newness. And they definitely aren’t worth losing his friendship.
Do you have baggage that almost ruined a good relationship?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Curate The Vibes With These Black-Owned Candles For Every Mood
Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
If you’re a girl who loves clean scents that clear the energy in your home and feel like the best Sunday you ever had, you need this candle. Infused with wild basil and lemongrass, it’s guaranteed to help you find your zen.
For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
If you’re done crying and have found the one you’ve been waiting for, let this candle burn as warm as your love for your new boo. Harlem Candle Co.'s "Love" fragrance represents a dramatic, romantic theme with both masculine and feminine accords melding beautifully together, infused with crisp apple and watery green notes.
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