Toya Wright, Memphitz & The Issue With Giving Men 'Hall Passes' To Cheat
We all have deal breakers in the relationships we form with other people. The Telegraph recently revealed traits that turn men and women off, with responses ranging from laziness in men, to an untidy appearance in women. While the poll focused solely on traits people avoid to in potential mates, other factors do come into play that’s an absolute no-no once you’re actually in a relationship.
Of course, infidelity is something that many people–single, in a relationship, or married–feel is unforgivable. I, for one, am understanding on many things except going outside of the relationship to have sex with someone else. Cheating, on top of, lying, mediocre sex, and immaturity are some of my own. But it’s been a weekend of having this deal breaker/compromise conversation with some close friends after clips of last night’s Bravo series Untying the Knot featuring Toya Wright and Mickey “Memphitz” Wright hit the web this past Friday.
Related: I Fulfilled My Trois Fantasy…And This Is What I Learned
In a minute-long clip, the still married yet separated pair meet with Vikki Ziegler–a celebrity divorce attorney and expert mediator. The opening clip introduces us to Toya Wright, who expresses, “I’m not going to be living my life as a married woman and you over there living like a single man” after Memphitz opens up about their separation. When questioned if he cheats on his wife, Memphitz denies that he does, except when using a “hall pass.”
A who?
A hall pass allows Memphitz eight days out of the year to “do whatever,” originating from Toya’s belief that her husband “doesn’t like rules.”
Okay, girl.
So I dug a little further to see how others were perceiving the clip and I came across plenty of "cheating" headlines. I thought about it and didn’t see how Toya allowing her husband to sleep around could be seen as cheating. I don’t agree with their lifestyle for my own personal relationship, but I also didn’t agree with the notion that homeboy was cheating on his wife.
Open relationships–let’s talk about it.
“What’s forbidden is always desirable.” Those were the words of real-life basketball wife, Masha Lopatova, who has been married to former Brooklyn Nets player Andrei Kirilenko for 14 years. Lopatova grants her husband "allowances," much like Toya’s hall passes, where Kirilenko was allowed to fulfill his sexual desires in another woman outside of the marriage. “They get chased by women. It’s hard to resist. It’s the way men are by nature,” she said. “When I’m aware and I let him do it, it’s not cheating.” It's been said that wives of athletes are far more understanding because they are aware of women that come trailing along with that lifestyle. Remember Evelyn Lozada's thoughts on Chad Ochocinco?
Related: Evelyn Willing To Marry Into An Open Relationship With Chad Ochocinco?
I cringe at the notion that men are these hypersexual beings that cannot practice self-control and must follow their carnal desires. In both Lopatova and Toya’s decisions to let their man be free from all rules in holy matrimony, the need to issue permission to sleep around is driven by what many feel like is insecurity. Or is it just some adult ‘ish from two honest and mature adults who can handle what society shuns? (Cues Jay-Z’s “Have an affair, act like an adult for once.”)
Photo Credit: FOX/Getty Images
Comedian Mo’Nique also talked about her attempt at an open marriage on New York radio station, Hot 97 in 2013. The comedienne dropped relationship gems throughout her interview, but cleared the air on why her journey into open territory failed.
“The open relationship [thing] had nothing to do with my husband. Listen baby, I was an entertainer. The road is what it is. It goes for men and women. So I felt like this is what it is and this is who I am...My ego got in the way. I thought I was saying to women, ‘You can have your cake and eat it too girl cause I can do this.’ And it backfired. It backfired in a way that they thought well, ‘Oh since he’s so good looking and Mo’Nique’s fat, she’s just going to let this man do anything and run all over on top of her…I didn’t realize the king I had. I was just being old Mo’Nique and having my old ways.”
Mo’Nique and husband, Sidney Hicks, are still together; A testament that it works for some and it doesn’t for others.
An article this past summer on lifestyle blog, MindBodyAdvice, also delved into topic of open relationships. The author shared her experience on what she expected when she proposed an open relationship to three of her boyfriends. Here are her thoughts on what she thought walking into an open relationship:
When bringing up the offer of my partner to be able to be in a relationship with me but still give them the option to sleep with other women I thought they would think I was the coolest girlfriend in the world. I believed they would love how I was offering them an experience most girlfriends would not and in turn appreciate me so much they would put extra effort in our relationship and affection towards me. I expected that maybe once every couple of months they may have casual sex with a woman when they felt the need to have some freedom then it would leave their system and they would return to me grateful and loving. I expected the sex they had to be completely casual and the other women to mean nothing to them other than a good time.
As freely as many believe couples in open relationships are, the need to lay down some ground rules with do's and don'ts in the beginning is a must. It's usually broken up like this from what I've gathered:
- Keep it real at all times
- Casual sex only. Drop the notion that you were getting a two (girlfriends)-for-one deal and know that seeing and sexing that woman more than once is a no-no.
The writer notes that all three men agreed to the two rules. But did they keep their word?
While I thought it would strengthen our relationship and make them want to appreciate me more, it basically was the kiss of death. On the hope this would bring me and my partners together, it was an absolute fail, it only drove us apart and made me feel incredibly alone. I felt like I was the only person putting effort into the relationships while they were purely preying on other women.I learned it didn’t bring my relationship with the man closer, it didn’t make them appreciate me it just drove a wedge in the relationship and eventually caused it to end. I learned I didn’t like who I became when I gave my approval for this freedom, I became jealous, resentful and felt alone in the relationship. Would I ever try it again? No, I wouldn’t. I tried this three times and it honestly never worked. I feel I am at the stage in my life where I want a serious relationship, a lasting relationship and this isn’t an ingredient for a lasting relationship. I often wonder if maybe I gave these boyfriends this freedom because deep down I knew they actually weren’t the right man for me anyway. I learned that while I offered this to them I really secretly wanted them to say no I just want you and I felt disappointed every time a boyfriend said yes to the opportunity. While I am sure there are many couples who can make an open relationship work I am not someone who can and I would never relive the experience again.
Inviting new options into a relationship/bedroom to “spice things up” leads to either disrespect or a tighter bond. The dynamics of how it can go either way is interesting. While this is only one woman's experience, it is telling that allowing your partner to dip and dabble on the side while he's on the road, when your marriage is doing well or on the rocks or because you're trying to be perceived as "down for anything," possibly opens the door for disrespect and heartbreak for you in the end. Is it risk you're willing to take?
[Tweet "Don't minimize your worth in hopes of making something broken work"]
Toya went from divorcing Lil' Wayne because of his lifestyle to permitting part of that same lifestyle into a new marriage. We subject ourselves to things we wouldn't before in order to rectify problems that are irreparable. You can't fix something that isn't broke, and you shouldn't minimize your worth in hopes of making something broken work. While I'm not knocking anyone who chooses to live their lives as ‘openly’ as Toya Wright and Memphitz, Mo'Nique and Sidney, or the woman and her three boyfriends, I am questioning those who believe that non-monogamous relationships lead to stronger unions. Can someone be fully committed to you if your relationship is one for convenience?
Let's talk in the comment section below! Can long-term, happy relationships stem from allowing your partner to have sex with other people?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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