A man can smell confidence.
He knows when you really love yourself, and he also knows when you're full of sh-t. He knows when what you're demanding is a reflection of what your standards really are, and he knows when you're just telling him how you think things are supposed to be. He smells you, and it doesn't take long to figure out if it's the real deal or the knockoff.
After one conversation, he will know if he has to bring his A-game, or if you'll be down for all of him, so it's important that your words match your actions.
My mouth recited the standards I came up with in my head so perfectly. It had them down to a T, and I knew them like the back of my hand. Everything sounded exactly how it should and I just knew a man worth loving was going to appreciate and abide by them. But that was my problem. My standards were only apart of a script I had come up with after reading countless blogs and relationship goals memes on Twitter.
My actions were the complete opposite of what I was requiring from men.
I was able to fake it during the "talking" phase, but as soon as I became his girlfriend, my standards went out the window along with my faux confidence. Where were my standards after the first time he disrespected me? Where were my standards after the first time he broke his promise? Where were my standards after the first time I found out about another woman? Where were my standards and confidence then?
One thing I've learned is that there's three things a man loves with all his heart: sex, food, and a woman who does not need his ass.
There's nothing he loves more than a woman who allows him in her life simply because she wants him there.
Not because she's trying to find someone to "complete" her. Not because she's trying to fall in love with herself through him. Not because she needs him. No matter how often guys tweet how they need a girl with a big booty, perky tits, and a crazy head game, at the end of the day all they want is a woman who loves the hell out of herself enough to not keep taking him back when he cheats on her instead of continuing to answer the phone when he keeps walking in and out of her life, or allowing him to Netflix and chill everyday.
Having confidence comes with great responsibility. It requires you to not only hold other people accountable, but yourself as well. In the past, holding my partner accountable in a relationship came with the possibility of losing that relationship and I didn't want that. I bet he was able to time my favorite "this is the last time, I swear I'm done" line. "1, 2...go," and there I was spitting that line out on cue while he probably wanted to laugh in the middle of him telling me how he would change and make it up to me.
It became a cycle because I didn't love myself enough to put an end to it.
Having confidence means never letting yourself or others get too comfortable. If your self-love is a knockoff, you tend to get comfortable in the bed of broken promises, let downs, and dysfunction.
After a while, anything else seems weird or "too good to be true."
Women have been taught that love is about staying down and remaining loyal through the good and the bad. We've been taught that "eventually he's going to realize what he has." But we often forget that he can't do that if you haven't even realized who you are first. Your self-love will remain cheap until you become fully aware of the power that lies within loving yourself.
Are your actions matching your words? Let me know how you practice self-love.
Candice McCoy is a writer and Howard University Alumna who think she can change the world with words. You can find her spilling real thoughts on real topics on her blog Life In A Pile.
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Since it’s Stress Awareness Month, we caught up with Keanne Owens, LCSW, founder of Journey To Harmony Therapy Center, to talk about these triggers and what Black women can do to manage and cope.
Owens is an experienced South Florida-based counselor and social worker who offers her services via Grow Therapy, a therapy and medication management platform. She has worked with Black women professionals to unpack issues related to workplace stressors. “One is the pressure to perform–having to meet deadlines and deliverables. And a lot of times, these subtle stressors from performance are put upon ourselves as Black women. We want to make sure we’re doing our best. We don’t want to be critiqued in certain ways.”
Excessive micromanagement leading to fear of overly critical bosses is another subtle trigger that can negatively impact Black women in the workplace.
“Whenever something is done wrong, or we experience some type of injustice and have to report it, it’s the fear of retaliation–[fear that] we won’t be taken seriously or [our words] will be taken out of context because of being deemed as the ‘angry Black woman,’” she said.
Black Women And Workplace Stress Triggers
Her sentiments are backed by research. A recent report by Coqual found that 28% of Black women (compared to 17% of White men) say their supervisor uses “excessive control or attention to detail” when managing them. There’s more: A survey by the National Employment Law Project found that Black workers were “more likely to have concerns (80 percent) and twice as likely as white workers (18 percent) to have unresolved concerns at work, with 39 percent reporting they were “not satisfied with the employer’s response or did not raise concerns for fear of retaliation.”
The survey also found that 14 percent of Black respondents said they “avoided raising concerns to their employer for fear of retaliation—more than twice the average rate of 6 percent for all survey respondents.”
Owens pointed to the fact that these subtle stress triggers can negatively impact our physical health and our career advancement. “A lot of time it’ll affect our productivity,” Owens added. “We start to have negative thoughts of ourselves. The stressors can also cause fatigue. We’re no longer meeting or working up to our desired potential.” Other challenges as a result include insomnia and increased insolation, withdrawal, and lack of motivation to apply for jobs or promotions even when qualified.
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How To Manage Subtle Stress Triggers
While there are systemic issues at play for Black women at work that has less to do with us and more to do with major overhauls that must be addressed by the powers that be, there are steps we can take for the betterment of ourselves and our mental health. Owens offered the following tips:
Tap into a support system, whether it’s a coworker you trust, a family member, an organization, or an outlet like a hobby.
Create a good work-life balance before burnout even starts. “Having certain boundaries [is the goal] such as, for example, if you get off at 5, you get off at 5. If your job description is this, you don’t go above and beyond because that brings you to a lot of burnout,” Owens said.
Prioritize self-care, whatever that means for you. “If you don’t have a routine, create one. Practice mindfulness and even some meditation,” she added.
Create structure in your life outside of work. “Even if you have a family, applying some structure in your routine helps relieve stress,” she said.
Get into grounding techniques. “Do a real quick square breathing exercise, that’s literally 30 seconds, or you can do a grounding technique that’s less than two minutes, right there where you are. You don’t need any other materials. That’s something you can do with just yourself and your body.”
Ask for help. “As Black women, we don’t ask for help enough,” she said. “Find where you need to ask for help. A lot of times, people think that’s indicative of weakness, but we need to rewrite that narrative. It’s okay to ask for help where you see fit. [If] you’re a mom, [it could be] every Wednesday from 5 to 6, your children are with the dad. You have to carve out that time.”
For more information on Grow Therapy, visit their website. You can also find out more about Keanne Owens, LCSW, via BeginYourJourneyToHarmony.com.
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