Guarded: How I Learned To Love The Walls I've Built
"You're too guarded," he said.
This was his reason. This was why he couldn't see me for me even after the better part of a year spent loving and building together.
I cried on the other side of the phone because I felt that I'd been more open with him than anyone else in my past. Hell, we'd started dating after he was my friend through a terrible breakup. How could he not see me?
“What does that even mean?" I asked through tears, “I love you. I've been there for you through all of this. And you've been there for me…I've shared some of my worst secrets with you…"
“That…right there…you said 'some'. That is how I always feel---that I am getting some of you. I can't do that anymore."
I replayed that conversation over and over in my head for months. I combed my mind to identify the times that I hadn't been completely transparent with the man who I loved and then it occurred to me---I had been. It didn't take on the form that maybe he wanted but I had cut open my chest and showed him how my heart beat…what more could I do?
I used to rebuke the part of me that didn't make a new best friend in every social setting. I despised my unwillingness to share all of my truths at every ladies' night. I ridiculed my inability to be an open book in past relationships.
I've always been selective with my sharing because I've always been observant.
I grew up in a household with two people who were more sensitive than a newborn baby's soft spot. I've seen what betrayal does to a man who accepts people without judgment for a living (my father was a writer). I know all too well what disappointment does to a woman whose heart is always in the right place even when her words cut a little too deep (my mother is a dancer with a heart of gold and a mouth like a bow and arrow). I know what people do to people----so I watch.
And wait.
Waiting has taught me this: my walls haven't been built for fear of the opposition but in honor of the beauty inside of me.
[Tweet "My walls have been built to honor the beauty inside of me."]
Every single one of the friends/lovers who have rallied for my transparency proved themselves to be people who wanted access to the depths of me just to say they saw what I had inside…not because they actually wanted the responsibility of protecting it.
Know how I know?
Because they didn't realize they had access until it was gone.
[Tweet "You owe no one a seat at the table of your soul unless they've proven themselves worthy."]
Let me tell you what worthy looks like. Worthy sees the light you thought you lost to the darkness in your mind. Worthy knows when something's wrong before the first tear falls. Worthy uplifts and makes you whole again. Worthy is nothing less than peace in the middle of your storm.
But more than anything: worthy never needs an invitation to prove itself. It just performs.
You are not destined to be alone and friendless because your transparency requires more than weekly brunches, happy hours, and mani/pedis staged for Instagram pictures. You are not impossible to love because you don't want to share the story behind every scar that you wear. You are not “too strong", “too closed off", “too weary of others", or any of the other “too-s".
You are protecting your light. And in this world, that's enough of a fight. The battle to make your friends/lovers feel comfortable in their position in your life---let it go.
Have you ever struggled with being "too guarded"? How did you learn to embrace that part of you? Let us know in the comments below!
- It Sucks Being Guarded And Difficult To Love | Thought Catalog ›
- 27 Ways You're As Emotionally Guarded As Drake ›
- Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means and How to Fix It | Greatist ›
- 6 Signs You May Be Emotionally Unavailable ›
- Are You Emotionally Guarded? | HubPages ›
- 10 Signs Your Partner Has A Guarded Heart ›
- Cold As Ice: 12 Signs That You're Emotionally Unavailable ... ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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It’s almost that time when the girlies are gonna be hopping in the chair to get the most popular style of the warmer seasons: goddess braids. Goddess braids are not just a hairstyle; they're a statement of elegance, power, and divine beauty. Whether you've recently adorned yourself with these stunning braids or are considering them, one thing remains certain: maintaining them is key to preserving their splendor. In this guide, we'll delve into the art of maintaining goddess braids, ensuring they remain flawless for longer periods.
Let’s start with some pro tips from Breanna Knights, a Brooklyn-based stylist with over a decade of experience in the beauty and fashion industry, specializing in goddess braids. She takes pride in maintaining the beauty and longevity of her clients' goddess braids, focusing on ensuring their scalp and curls remain healthy and hydrated.
Knights’ expertise extends to understanding the tension level, hydration needs, and proper cleansing techniques for goddess braids.
Hydration Is Key:
Moisture is essential for maintaining the integrity of your goddess braids. Use a lightweight leave-in conditioner or moisturizing spray to hydrate your scalp and braids. Pay attention to the ends of the braids, as they tend to be the driest part. Avoid heavy products that can weigh down the braids and cause buildup.
“To maintain neatness and longevity for goddess braid styles, I recommend treating the goddess hair just as you would your natural curls," Knights tells us. "This consists of putting up your hair at night in a bonnet. I also encourage using mousse or a bottle of water mixed with conditioner to make the curls bounce back. These two options depend on if the curls are a synthetic blend, or if it’s 100% human hair."
When it comes to keeping the goddess curls refreshed and hydrated, Knights’ favorite mousse brands include:
Bumble and bumble's Bb Curl Mousse
Bumble and bumble
Bumble and bumble's Bb Curl Mousse is a lightweight mousse that enhances curls with a blend of oils and butters, providing long-lasting volume, and bounce without stiffness.
The Vigorol Mousse Olive Oil
Amazon
The Vigorol Mousse Olive Oil is a fave amongst the girlies. Reviewers say, “Product works well taming frizzy curls as well smoothing natural hair, human hair, and synthetic crochet or individual braided hair. Adds shine without looking or feeling greasy.”
Knights also recommends using Creme of Nature Argan Oil Intensive Conditioning Treatment mixed with water in a spray bottle. “These products are sure to bring curls back to life," she adds.
If you’re looking for particular techniques or tricks to alleviate tension or discomfort often associated with wearing goddess braids, Knights shares that knotless goddess braids are usually done with less tension at the scalp, rather than traditional braids. “I highly suggest gauging tightness throughout your braiding session with your stylist. Should your braids end up too tight, one of my favorite go-to's is the Bumble and bumble’s Hairdresser's Invisible Oil. It provides a cool sensation on the scalp, without over saturating the scalp with oil,” Knights says.
The stylist also suggests a spray bottle with water to relieve tension. Additionally, less styling in the first few days of installing the braids to avoid scalp irritation.
Gentle Cleansing:
One topic that can be confusing when committing to goddess braids is the washing process. Should I wash my braids? How often should I wash them? We had all the questions, and Knights came with the tea. “Everyone’s wash [day] routine is different. To each client’s discernment, by weeks 3-4, if your scalp is itchy or shows signs of dandruff, it would be safe to wash your braids.
"I highly recommend paying more attention to the scalp rather than the braids itself. Keeping the braids up in a bun while saturating the scalp will keep the curls from matting and tangling during the wash process. After washing the scalp I recommend reapplying mousse and tying the hair down with a scarf to help tame any frizz that may occur after washing.”
Protect Your Crown:
One of the biggest keys to the longevity of goddess braids is having a braid bonnet and shower cap to ensure that the braids are dry. Invest in a satin or silk bonnet or scarf to protect your goddess braids while you sleep. Cotton pillowcases can cause friction, leading to frizz and flyaways. Additionally, tying your braids with a silk scarf can help preserve their shape and prevent them from unraveling.
“Combing through the loose curls with your fingers and having a routine to ensure that the hair isn't matting or entangling into one another can help with longevity as well," Knights shares. "The same way you’d care for your curls after a successful wash day would also promote the longevity for any 'goddess' style!”
Courtesy
Regular Touch-ups:
As your natural hair grows, your goddess braids may begin to loosen or develop new growth around the edges. Schedule regular touch-up appointments with your hairstylist to re-braid the edges and ensure a seamless look. Avoid leaving braids in for too long, as this can cause tension on the scalp and lead to breakage.
Minimize Manipulation:
While it's tempting to constantly touch and style your goddess braids, excessive manipulation can lead to frizz and premature loosening. Limit the use of styling tools and refrain from pulling or tugging on the braids. Embrace the natural beauty of your braids and allow them to flourish with minimal interference.
Nourish from Within:
Maintaining healthy hair starts from within. Ensure you're consuming a balanced diet rich in vitamins, minerals, and hydration to promote hair growth and vitality. Incorporate foods such as fruits, vegetables, lean proteins, and plenty of water into your daily routine for optimal hair health.
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