Guarded: How I Learned To Love The Walls I've Built
"You're too guarded," he said.
This was his reason. This was why he couldn't see me for me even after the better part of a year spent loving and building together.
I cried on the other side of the phone because I felt that I'd been more open with him than anyone else in my past. Hell, we'd started dating after he was my friend through a terrible breakup. How could he not see me?
“What does that even mean?" I asked through tears, “I love you. I've been there for you through all of this. And you've been there for me…I've shared some of my worst secrets with you…"
“That…right there…you said 'some'. That is how I always feel---that I am getting some of you. I can't do that anymore."
I replayed that conversation over and over in my head for months. I combed my mind to identify the times that I hadn't been completely transparent with the man who I loved and then it occurred to me---I had been. It didn't take on the form that maybe he wanted but I had cut open my chest and showed him how my heart beat…what more could I do?
I used to rebuke the part of me that didn't make a new best friend in every social setting. I despised my unwillingness to share all of my truths at every ladies' night. I ridiculed my inability to be an open book in past relationships.
I've always been selective with my sharing because I've always been observant.
I grew up in a household with two people who were more sensitive than a newborn baby's soft spot. I've seen what betrayal does to a man who accepts people without judgment for a living (my father was a writer). I know all too well what disappointment does to a woman whose heart is always in the right place even when her words cut a little too deep (my mother is a dancer with a heart of gold and a mouth like a bow and arrow). I know what people do to people----so I watch.
And wait.
Waiting has taught me this: my walls haven't been built for fear of the opposition but in honor of the beauty inside of me.
[Tweet "My walls have been built to honor the beauty inside of me."]
Every single one of the friends/lovers who have rallied for my transparency proved themselves to be people who wanted access to the depths of me just to say they saw what I had inside…not because they actually wanted the responsibility of protecting it.
Know how I know?
Because they didn't realize they had access until it was gone.
[Tweet "You owe no one a seat at the table of your soul unless they've proven themselves worthy."]
Let me tell you what worthy looks like. Worthy sees the light you thought you lost to the darkness in your mind. Worthy knows when something's wrong before the first tear falls. Worthy uplifts and makes you whole again. Worthy is nothing less than peace in the middle of your storm.
But more than anything: worthy never needs an invitation to prove itself. It just performs.
You are not destined to be alone and friendless because your transparency requires more than weekly brunches, happy hours, and mani/pedis staged for Instagram pictures. You are not impossible to love because you don't want to share the story behind every scar that you wear. You are not “too strong", “too closed off", “too weary of others", or any of the other “too-s".
You are protecting your light. And in this world, that's enough of a fight. The battle to make your friends/lovers feel comfortable in their position in your life---let it go.
Have you ever struggled with being "too guarded"? How did you learn to embrace that part of you? Let us know in the comments below!
- It Sucks Being Guarded And Difficult To Love | Thought Catalog ›
- 27 Ways You're As Emotionally Guarded As Drake ›
- Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means and How to Fix It | Greatist ›
- 6 Signs You May Be Emotionally Unavailable ›
- Are You Emotionally Guarded? | HubPages ›
- 10 Signs Your Partner Has A Guarded Heart ›
- Cold As Ice: 12 Signs That You're Emotionally Unavailable ... ›
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Megan Thee Stallion Shares Her Transformative Approach To Health And Wellness
Megan Thee Stallion is back and better than ever — both physically and mentally.
ForWomen’s Health May/June 2024 cover, the 29-year-old rapper bared all, opening up about her healing journey following the aftermath of the July 2020 shooting incident by rapper Tory Lanez.
“A lot of people didn’t treat me like I was human for a long time,” she told the publication. “I feel like everybody was always used to me being the fun and happy party girl. I watched people build me up, tear me down, and be confused about their expectations of me.”
She continued, “As a Black woman, as a darker Black woman, I also feel like people expect me to take the punches, take the beating, take the lashings, and handle it with grace. But I’m human.”
While the “Savage” artist exudes confidence through her stage presence and boisterous lyrics, behind the scenes, Megan was experiencing a silent battle with her mental health. “Before I went onstage, I would be crying half the time because I didn’t want to [perform], but I also didn’t want to upset my fans,” she says.
With pressures from the outside world piling up, Megan experienced “dark times,” that caused her to isolate from the public eye.
“I didn’t want to get [out] from under the covers,” she recalls. “I stayed in my room. I would not turn the lights on. I had blackout curtains. I didn’t want to see the sun. I knew I wasn’t myself. It took me a while to acknowledge that I was depressed. But once I started talking to a therapist, I was able to be truthful with myself.”
The “Wanna Be” rapper also details her current workout slip and diet that work hand in hand, giving her the mental clarity and stamina to perform at her highest level. For four to five days a week, Megan is locked in with one of her two trainers, Emory “Joc” Bernard and Tim Boutte, doing a variety of workouts like Pilates, running up and down sand hills at the beach, or hitting the StairMaster or elliptical for upwards of 40 minutes.
Best known for her “Megan knees,” leg day is a must — with hip thrusts, goblet squats, leg extensions, and “stallion kicks,” being included in her circuits.
With a combination of therapy, stepping away from imbalanced relationships, and daily movement, the Houston Hottie has since been able to reconnect with herself on a deeper level; putting her happiness before the opinions of others. “Working on myself made me get into working out because I needed to focus my energy somewhere else,” she shares. “I used working out to escape and to get happy.”
“I’m in a space where I feel good mentally, so I want to look as good as I feel.”
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Featured image by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images