Good Vibes Only: Alex Elle Teaches Us About Balance, Finding Peace, & Letting Go Of Negativity
It slips across my Instagram feed every morning—little reminders that I'm worthy, and that it's okay to walk away from someone who doesn't know how to love me; subtle hints that I don't need to apologize for being who I am, and that it's more important to practice self-care and to rid of self-destruction; that I can't rush the process, and instead, I should enjoy the journey.
One thing's for sure—when author and poet Alex Elle puts up a post, you know it's going to be laced with truth sometimes so uncomfortable you have to wonder if she's talking to you or talking about you.
When I hop on a call with the mompreneur on an early Friday afternoon, she confesses that she's fighting against the urge to lie on the couch. She has just finished a meeting for one of her many business ventures—an array of products that help her devoted followers heal through the lens of reading, journaling, and meditating—and is taking advantage of the time away from her daughter and her romantic partner to focus on her endeavors before she has to jump into mommy mode.
“I try not to work when they're home unless it's at night and she's asleep," she says. “But if I am home, and I happen to hop on my email or something, she'll go read a book or she'll be out here on my desk with me coloring, and it's a family effort."
For Elle everything is about balance. She doesn't believe that you can't have it all, but that it's a matter of making time and having people in your corner who will support you and put you in check when devoting too much to things that drain your energy.
It's been a little over two years since her book Words from A Wanderer: Notes & Love Poems was released. With over 30,000 in independent sales, it has become a self-help manual of sorts for those seeking healing and motivation on topics ranging from love to self-worth. Flip through the 58 pages of uplifting quotes and poetic prose and you'll swear that Elle is inside your head reporting on your own rollercoaster of a relationship. The ups. The downs. The pain. The beauty. All eloquently penned and amazingly accurate. Words that only someone who's been to “hell and back" could relate to.
Although she grew up an only child in an upper middle class neighborhood in Montgomery County Maryland, Elle struggled with finding happiness. Her mom worked to provide her with a stable life, but her dad, well, let's just say he used their lives as a revolving door.
“In a sense she didn't want to be that mom like if you're not around consistently then you can't see her at all type of thing, but I think that would've served me better," Elle says.
At the age of 16, she decided to do what would later become one of her many mantras—she loved herself enough to cut ties from someone who didn't appreciate her worth. I ask if he ever attempted to reach out to her again, and she laughs as she recounts the story of him contacting her through social media—after reaching a level of success and visibility of course.
“It's crazy how God works because my page has always been open; it's not private. And for some reason, I made my page private one night, and I woke up the next morning and I had a friend request from him after not seeing him in years."
She saw the random encounter as a test to prove the type of woman she'd become. One of peace, and who protects her spirit. One of forgiveness, but not forgetfulness.
"Just because you forgive somebody doesn't mean that they can come back and be in your life."
"I don't wish him ill will or anything, but he's just not welcomed here, you know what I mean? That's just where I'm at with relationships that don't serve me."
It's no longer just her heart that she has to worry about protecting, but that of her now seven-year-old daughter. Being unprepared for the real world, she found herself caught up in the college whirlwind of hookups and breakups, resulting in her pregnancy at the age of 17. The birth of her daughter was just the shot of reality needed to focus on her physical, mental, and emotional health. She started attending therapy sessions to deal with her feelings of abandonment due to the absence of her father, and to help her move past her depression and suicidal thoughts.
“I was in therapy for years, and that is the best thing that has ever happened to me. In our community mental health in general is very taboo. It's like I don't want anybody to think I'm crazy or know my business and stuff like that. With therapy, for me, it wasn't that at all. I literally needed a neutral party to help give me the tools to move forward in my life, and that is what a good therapist will do. I had to go talk to someone, there was no way I could get through my sadness just by talking to my mom, or my grandma, or my best friends."
It's something that she talks about more openly through her posts, and has encouraged many to come to her seeking their own emotional release.
“I always tell people, especially young women who reach out to me telling me how sad they are and how they don't want to be here anymore, I can't help with that. That's definitely not my forte to give that type of life-altering advice, but I always send them to the suicide hotline, and I make sure I send them love and to get help—not to keep quiet about it if they're hurting. That's definitely what I'd say to anybody; there's nothing wrong with going to talk to someone to help sort out your feelings."
Writing out her pain also helped her, and her followers, find the beauty within themselves and to understand the importance of self-worth. In the process, she wrote and released her first self-published book and met her partner Ryan. “I don't know how I knew he was the one, but you just feel when somebody really loves you for who you are, and you build that friendship."
It may all sound so simple, but for the young writer, it was a process. One that she shares with her readers and followers through the pages of her books and her social feeds. By nature, she's a creator, and by teaching she is an entrepreneur. The desire to have sole control of her product and her brand led her to self-publishing both Words from a Wanderer and her second book Love In My Language. She encourages all writers to bet on themselves instead of waiting to be discovered by a big publisher. Her advice? Hire a graphic designer, and just make it happen.
“If you have quality work and you really believe what you're doing, you can make music, you can write books, you can start a business. It just all comes from determination and the work ethic."
Of course having a strong following makes a difference, too. She admits that when she first hopped on Instagram, she wasn't using it for business and actually got kicked off twice before realizing that the best way to use the platform was to showcase her creativity. She shared her jewelry line (now exclusively sold in a boutique store in Washington, D.C.), and started flexing her photography skills, and over the last five years has grown a substantial following with little marketing beyond social media. Now she's adding brand consultant to her resume by helping other small businesses with social media. She stresses the importance of staying connected with your consumers.
“I try to be available when I do post on social media just so that they know I'm a real person and that I'm here to help if they need me," she says. “People like having that access, so finding the balance between that and your business is definitely important for entrepreneurs."
Her third book is currently in the works, and this time she's decided to partner with an independent publishing company so that she can expand into bookstores as opposed to solely being online. She also recently released her meditation journals and runs her Balm Co. product line with her daughter, which she prefers to keep on a smaller scale so that she can continue writing, crafting and creating.
It's enough to wear you out just listing all of her business ventures, and I can't help but to wonder how this mom, businesswoman, and future wife manages to do so much and still make time for herself.
"A lot of people think that they can't have everything because they haven't found balance yet. And that just comes with trial and error."
She credits Ryan being a supportive partner as a part of her ability to balance it all. Even as she speaks about him I can hear the happiness in her voice. “It's so funny because people think that it's so deep…like we're just super unique and we're really not. We really are just two people in love, and we're friends that [got] to marry each other."
Her balance also comes with knowing herself, what nourishes her, and incorporating those things into her lifestyle. About three years ago she started embracing more holistic habits and went vegetarian after eating a Wendy's burger that left her feeling like “crap." She did research on how to feel at her best from the inside out, ditched the meat, and picked up more veggies. But cheese? That's something she couldn't part with. I mean, come on. Pizza.
Essential oils also became a part of her medicinal cabinet. She credits her lunar oil with alleviating cramps and mood swings during menstrual cycles. “I rarely take over-the-counter meds for anything. I think essential oils are freaking amazing."
After her yoga class she may slip on her favorite basic tee from Everlane, ironically doting the same name as her partner (she assures that it's just a coincidence!), jeans, and a pair of Vans. It's her signature outfit that she's most comfortable in. I tell her that there's beauty in simplicity, and she wears it well with confidence.
"I'm not like super glam. I don't wear makeup. I fill my brows when I feel like it. I'm real lowkey, and that's mainly because I just don't have the time to go through my closet and figure out what to wear.
"I like my jeans. I like my neutral tones and monochromatic tones. One of my close friend's teases me all the time she's like, 'oh, you're back to no color again.' And I'm like no girl, no color."
Let me tell you, talking with Elle the girl oozes cool, calm, and collectiveness.
Maybe it's because of the success that she's gained by turning her pain into poetry and sharing her words of wisdom as her way of giving back to others. Maybe it's the fact that she's finally at a place of peace in her life—one filled with family, love, and authentic friendships. Or maybe it's that she's simply mastered the art of attraction—getting back what she's feeding into the universe: love, light, and laughter.
Whatever it is, I'm here for it—soaking up every bit of her positive energy.
Featured image courtesy of Alex Elle
Originally published in June 2017
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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Featured image by CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images