Go DJ: How Olivia Dope Spun Her "5 to 9" into a Full-Fledged Career
From couch surfing to swag surfing, DJ Olivia Dope is everything in her name: "(D)riven (O)n (P)ositive (E)nergy"
Which of course for most is always easier said than done. Although many of us would love to live a life solely fueled off of daily mantras and positive affirmations, in the real world, staying focused is hard. And staying inspired sometimes feels impossible.
But for DJ Olivia Dope, being anything less than successful is unacceptable. For the Brooklyn-native who turned her "5 to 9" afterwork grind into her full-on dream job, success is measured in increments of happiness--and music makes her very, very happy!
“I knew I loved music; I really wanted to make this music thing happen and just be happy with doing what I'm doing. But it had to be music driven in someway shape or form.”
DJ Olivia Dope with Celebrity Stylist, Ty Hunter, at the "Legendary No Basics Brunch"
Prior to becoming one of the most in-demand female urban DJ's on the East Coast and the curator of the #LivDope movement, Olivia–real name Tamika–was a professional hip-hop dance instructor. Having had the chance to two step with the best of them (including Chris Brown and Shaggy), Olivia soon found herself fed up with the background politics of typecasting in the industry, and instead looked for new sources of inspiration.
Hitting up her “DJ friends from Brooklyn,” Olivia gave the DJ booth a shot and hasn't' looked back since.
“I was so used to being on the dance floor, but once I got behind the DJ booth and started seeing what they're doing I was like, you know what? Let me try it out and see what's going on here and try it out too. Just a hobby, nothing serious. But once I started doing that, people started asking "Oh hey. I see you DJ now. So could you DJ my little backyard party? My Bar-b-cue?' And four years later, we're here!”
And four years later, a musical star in the making was born. Olivia created a name for herself after drawing inspiration from Scandal's very own Kerry Washington, who plays "Olivia Pope" on the show. After a little wordplay on the name, it stuck. She'd spin her way from backyard parties to becoming a regular staple at major award and music scenes.
But don't get it twisted, she is as happy as she is humble, and as real as she is talented.
[Tweet "I'm not an overnight success, this took years for me to build where I am. And I'm still on the rise."]
Olivia tells me. She is sure to add:
“I haven't made it yet. So every accolade that I've gotten so far, I'm very humble about it. I'm very grateful for it. I make sure I remind myself, like hey, I'm blessed to have this so far. People recognize the real and they respect it.”
They sure do. And apparently, people reward the "real" too. Olivia notes that starting small was ironically the biggest thing she could've done for her career.
“Starting off small is so important. Because you never want to get ahead of yourself. You have to understand that everyone has their time. That's one of the main reasons why anytime someone asks me 'Well, how do you feel about competition?' No, there is no competition. Everybody has their own lane. Everybody has their own journey.”
True indeed. But before she was on the ones and twos, Olivia Dope had a regular 9 to 5.
It was just as recently as two years ago that the beautiful, mocha-hued disc jockey made the decision to quit her office job, and recently that very same decision finally started paying off.
“I was [still] working as a normal person should and I was absolutely miserable. So I had to make a decision. Do I actually want to follow my dreams full force? Or do I want to work on somebody else's dream because someone has me on their payroll? And I'm coming [to my day job] every single day and doing their work that they need me to do and not really taking what I want out of life seriously. So I had to make that decision and I quit. And two years later, I'm DJ'ing full time. Paying bills with it and everything.”
So much so that Olivia proudly points out that working as a DJ a convenient three to four times a week has finally afforded her a pretty comfy space in New York City (a seemingly unattainable dream for most considering the hefty price of rent), as well as more time spent with her daughter, Ava. This was especially a big feat for the single mother of one, considering that she was just in-between homes back in 2013. During this time, Olivia made her biggest career sacrifice to date–her daughter. Olivia allowed the seven year old to live with her father while she ultimately worked on their future.
DJ Olivia Dope with her Daughter Ava at the Essence Style Block Party
“[Ava's father] actually took her the two years when I was struggling. I was in no position to be couch surfing with a child. So he was a great support with that. And she was living with him when I was trying to make my dream happen.[My daughter] is my little best friend. One of my toughest critics. My everything. She is right along with me for the ride.
Working for somebody else and you really don't want to be there, that is rock bottom. Mentally. You're not happy. And if I'm at rock bottom right now, there is no place to go but up. So let me do what I want to do and if I die, at least I died trying. At least I died trying to make where I wanted to go happen.”
But of course the road to success doesn't come without some bumps in the road. She points out that although she is inspired by the stories of many Black women in the industry before her, “Like Necole [Kane], Taraji P. Henson and Oprah,” Olivia says that she is still underwhelmed by what she feels is a lack of support from her fellow sisters and spinners. Admitting there has been progress, Olivia reveals there is still a long way to go:
“The thing that I have a problem with is other Black women in the industry not [always] automatically supporting one another. We come into the same space as each other but we're not automatically embracing [one another].Like ok hey. I'm a Black woman. You're a Black woman. We're both trying to get the same goal here. Let's connect. And if you win, I'm going to be just as happy as if it were me winning. We're not doing that enough.
And I feel like that's one of the major qualms I have with being a Black female DJ's. We're not doing that to other Black female DJ's in our community enough.”
When I ask the ever so bubbly and bomb disc jockey and mompreneur what her ultimate goal is in life and her work, she makes it very clear that both are all about the pursuit of happiness.
“I don't even know anymore. People say 'Yeah, I want to get millions (of dollars)!' And if I do, great because I would love a mansion too (laughs). But I'm just all about finding happiness, that's the goal in life. Money doesn't make you happy. Having certain things aren't going to make you [necessarily] happy. And once you find that, skies the limit.I already obtained my personal goal which was to work, doing what I love full-time and paying the bills with it. So everything else is just an added bonus!”
[Tweet " I feel like I'm living my personal dream right now. I feel like I'm living THE dream right now!"]
GO DJ!
Keep up with Olivia on her Instagram and Twitter and the whole #LivDope movement!
A modest goddess who keeps it humble between mumbles. I'm a journalism graduate with a HERstory in digital media, print and radio. Roll the credits: Power 96, VH1, xoNecole, EBONY, SOHH. Deemed "Top 20 Women in Media" by Power 105. Bronx made me, Broward raised me.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images