How To Build A Squad of Empowering Friends
What makes a genuine girlfriend?
It's a question often asked, but rarely answered in the best way. To build a life-long relationship with a group of girls, how does that work?
Like most, I've had my share of failed friendships. In high school, I had so many different groups of friends that it was hard find someone who liked me for me. In college, as a biracial young women in a historically white sorority, I didn't know if anyone would truly understand me, and being an independent woman in the South, where I'm at the age of getting married and having babies, who will truly support my career aspirations?
My journey to solid friendships have been littered by fakers, posers and users. If you're any sort of decent person, and especially when you're younger, it can be hard to tell who has your best interest at heart and who's there for the glory.
As you get older and get hurt by life, it can be a bit easier. Right after college I realized the importance of having people to depend on. There I was, 22 with a slew of "friends" but absolutely nobody to talk to. Sure, I had some childhood friends, but we hadn't spoken about real world stuff in years; there were my sorority sisters, but did they really care about the ups and downs of my mediocre life? Sure, we all got drunk together at mixers, tailgates and various functions, but did they even see the world like I did?
Not everyone in your circle is beneficial for your growth.
I found myself alone in a sea of people, something I never understood until that moment. That's when I started taking inventory of my friend stock. Who was really there for me? Who was just using me for good connections or a place to stay for the weekend?
Let me start by saying this: women aren't bad. I'm not writing this article to bash women and the relationships they have. I'm merely stating that not everyone in your circle is beneficial for your growth.
Thankfully, there are likeminded women out there who are looking for equally fulfilling friendships, but first you have to recognize who should be a part of your circle and who you may need to let go. Here are three things to look for when building your tribe of women who empower you to be your best you.
Your tribe should be a manifestation of your spirit.
I spent way too much time giving to my friends, making sure they were supported and fulfilled in their own journey without asking for the same in return. Because, after all, isn't friendship about giving and not expecting to receive?
In time, I began feeling like I was on a one-way street of friendship. I was focusing more on giving than getting, so I stopped giving. I took a break to see who cared, who reached out, and who actually asked me how I was doing in the world.
It was during that time one of my closest friends wrote a letter to me and, without prompt, stated, “Don't change who you are, just change the company you keep." That may seem like a 'duh' notion now, but when I got this letter it was the equivalent to a lightbulb moment.
You see, when you continually give, you get to the point where the cost outweigh the benefits. You don't want to keep caring when you feel others don't. That's the wrong way to look at it.
Instead of giving to those who aren't deserving, give to those who appreciate it.
Your tribe should be nurturing, the place you go when the world has beat you up so bad, you don't know up from down. They should be empowering, enough to get you back on the horse when you've fallen and lost your way. They should be supportive, cheering you on at every moment on every positive journey. They should fill your spirit each and every time you speak with them.
Your tribe should be honest.
This is a hard one as it also requires you to be honest with yourself. Girlfriends should not only be able to tell you when your dress is not the right fit for you body, but also when the guy you're dating is using and abusing you. Your girls should be able to, and want to be, honest with you in every aspect. I had a lot of 'yes' friends growing up, ones that didn't really care about where I ended up, so they just told me what I wanted to hear. That got me a in a lot of trouble. It led me down a path of not knowing or loving myself, a hard path to get off when you're a young woman.
Focus on women who tell you the truth, be it brutal or otherwise. A friend who has enough balls to tell you something you don't want to hear is a friend worth keeping. Once I had a friend who refused to listen to her friends. She chose to believe the lies she was being fed from her long-time boyfriend and distanced herself from everyone trying to help her. Shortly after that, she got a STD from said boyfriend after finding out he had been cheating on her the entire time and all of her friends were right. I've always taken that with me, because if you trust your friends with your clothes, hair and decor opinions - you should trust them with your life, too. If you don't, find someone you do.
Your tribe should not be judgmental.
We're all guilty of judging someone else and their actions, friend or not. A bit of judgment will always be there because it's a part of human nature. What you don't want is a friend that tells you one thing, then blabs to mutual friends about the 'horrible' or 'stupid' things you're doing. We've all had friends like this, some of us still do. Those people are best kept at a distance. If you think of your life as a theater, they should be standing room--only available when another might be occupied.
I had a toxic friend like that for years. I was never sure what I did that made her so venomous to me when talking with others, but it never stopped.
It gave me severe anxiety and made me doubt my abilities as a friend because I couldn't figure it out. But, the answer was simple: She didn't love herself enough, so of course she couldn't love me. Some people are just that way. Their judgments come from doubting or even hating themselves, which is only going to filter into your life the same way. Choose friends that don't hold judgements against you, that allow you to make mistakes and learn lessons without constantly reminding you of who you were.
Friends are meant to represent different sides of your personality, different realms of your life. Girlfriends, especially, should not only represent those but challenge those realms. They should listen when you say you're hurt; they should not only celebrate the the victories, but cry and pick you up from your losses.
I've questioned my friendships more than most, but now I've build a strong, beneficial and beautiful group of girlfriends. Being as we've had the year of the woman in 2017, let's make 2018 the year of empowerment. Because that's exactly what your girl squad does – empower you in all that you do.
What do you look for in your squad?
Featured image by Shutterstock
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- How To Maintain & Strengthen Long Distance Friendships - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- Why Some Black Women Have a Hard Time Making Friends ›
- We Asked These Women To Explain What Their Best Friends Mean ... ›
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- 17 Best On-Screen Black Girl Friendships We Will Cherish Forever ›
- To The White Woman I Can No Longer Be Friends With – Be Yourself ›
- There's An App That Helps Women Find And Make New (Girl) Friends ›
- #friendshipgoals hashtag on Twitter ›
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- 141 Quotes About Friendship | ChristianQuotes.info ›
- 7 Friendship Goals - YouTube ›
Courtney is a contributing writer, based in Puerto Rico by way of Tennessee. Interested in the intersection of fashion and culture, she has an affinity for fashion, empowerment, and really good tacos. Keep up with her on Instagram (@hautecourtxo).
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Regina King Reflects On Grief and Loss After Her Son’s Death: ‘The Sadness Will Never Go Away.’
The pain of losing a child is an experience that no parent wants to go through — and actress Regina King is now ready to speak about her experience with grief two years after her son’s passing.
In her first TV interview appearance since her son, Ian Alexander Jr., died by suicide in January 2022, King sat down with Good Morning America, to reflect on the tragic loss.
“I’m a different person, you know, now than I was January 19,” King shared. “Grief is a journey, you know? I understand that grief is love that has no place to go.”
“I know that it’s important for me to honor Ian in the totality of who he is, speak about him in the present because he is always with me and the joy and happiness that he gave all of us,” she added.
The Shirley star also added that it's vital to discuss the common misconception surrounding depression, noting that battles with mental health can manifest in diverse ways. “When it comes to depression, people expect it to look a certain way — they expect it to look heavy,” King told Robin Roberts.
“To have to experience this and not be able to have the time to just sit with Ian’s choice, which I respect and understand… He didn’t want to be here anymore, and that’s a hard thing for other people to receive because they did not live our experience, did not live Ian’s journey.”
Jeff Kravitz / Contributor/Getty Images
The Academy Award winner openly revealed that she was initially “so angry with God.”
“Why would that weight be given to Ian? Of all of the things that we had gone through — therapy, psychiatrists, programs — and Ian was like, ‘I’m tired of talking, Mom,' " she said.
With the memory of her son near to her, King said through tears, “My favorite thing about myself is being Ian’s mom and I can say that with a smile, with tears, with all of the emotion that comes with that. I can’t do that if I did not respect the journey.”
Anderson, 26, was a musician, DJ, and King’s only child. In 2019, Ian escorted his mother on the red carpet of the Golden Globes where she took home the award for "Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture."
He toldE! News at the time, "She's just a super mom. She doesn't really let bad work days or anything come back and ruin the time that we have. It's really awesome to have a mother who I can enjoy spending time with."
Understanding that grief is shared by many others, King emphasizes the unique weight of her role as Ian's mother and acknowledges that the sadness will always be a part of her.
“Sometimes, a lot of guilt comes over me. When a parent loses a child, you still wonder, ‘What could I have done so that wouldn’t have happened?’ I know that I share this grief with everyone, but no one else is Ian’s mom, you know? Only me. So it’s mine. And the sadness will never go away. It will always be with me.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
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Featured image by Shannon Finney / Stringer/Getty Images