How To Build A Squad of Empowering Friends
What makes a genuine girlfriend?
It's a question often asked, but rarely answered in the best way. To build a life-long relationship with a group of girls, how does that work?
Like most, I've had my share of failed friendships. In high school, I had so many different groups of friends that it was hard find someone who liked me for me. In college, as a biracial young women in a historically white sorority, I didn't know if anyone would truly understand me, and being an independent woman in the South, where I'm at the age of getting married and having babies, who will truly support my career aspirations?
My journey to solid friendships have been littered by fakers, posers and users. If you're any sort of decent person, and especially when you're younger, it can be hard to tell who has your best interest at heart and who's there for the glory.
As you get older and get hurt by life, it can be a bit easier. Right after college I realized the importance of having people to depend on. There I was, 22 with a slew of "friends" but absolutely nobody to talk to. Sure, I had some childhood friends, but we hadn't spoken about real world stuff in years; there were my sorority sisters, but did they really care about the ups and downs of my mediocre life? Sure, we all got drunk together at mixers, tailgates and various functions, but did they even see the world like I did?
Not everyone in your circle is beneficial for your growth.
I found myself alone in a sea of people, something I never understood until that moment. That's when I started taking inventory of my friend stock. Who was really there for me? Who was just using me for good connections or a place to stay for the weekend?
Let me start by saying this: women aren't bad. I'm not writing this article to bash women and the relationships they have. I'm merely stating that not everyone in your circle is beneficial for your growth.
Thankfully, there are likeminded women out there who are looking for equally fulfilling friendships, but first you have to recognize who should be a part of your circle and who you may need to let go. Here are three things to look for when building your tribe of women who empower you to be your best you.
Your tribe should be a manifestation of your spirit.
I spent way too much time giving to my friends, making sure they were supported and fulfilled in their own journey without asking for the same in return. Because, after all, isn't friendship about giving and not expecting to receive?
In time, I began feeling like I was on a one-way street of friendship. I was focusing more on giving than getting, so I stopped giving. I took a break to see who cared, who reached out, and who actually asked me how I was doing in the world.
It was during that time one of my closest friends wrote a letter to me and, without prompt, stated, “Don't change who you are, just change the company you keep." That may seem like a 'duh' notion now, but when I got this letter it was the equivalent to a lightbulb moment.
You see, when you continually give, you get to the point where the cost outweigh the benefits. You don't want to keep caring when you feel others don't. That's the wrong way to look at it.
Instead of giving to those who aren't deserving, give to those who appreciate it.
Your tribe should be nurturing, the place you go when the world has beat you up so bad, you don't know up from down. They should be empowering, enough to get you back on the horse when you've fallen and lost your way. They should be supportive, cheering you on at every moment on every positive journey. They should fill your spirit each and every time you speak with them.
Your tribe should be honest.
This is a hard one as it also requires you to be honest with yourself. Girlfriends should not only be able to tell you when your dress is not the right fit for you body, but also when the guy you're dating is using and abusing you. Your girls should be able to, and want to be, honest with you in every aspect. I had a lot of 'yes' friends growing up, ones that didn't really care about where I ended up, so they just told me what I wanted to hear. That got me a in a lot of trouble. It led me down a path of not knowing or loving myself, a hard path to get off when you're a young woman.
Focus on women who tell you the truth, be it brutal or otherwise. A friend who has enough balls to tell you something you don't want to hear is a friend worth keeping. Once I had a friend who refused to listen to her friends. She chose to believe the lies she was being fed from her long-time boyfriend and distanced herself from everyone trying to help her. Shortly after that, she got a STD from said boyfriend after finding out he had been cheating on her the entire time and all of her friends were right. I've always taken that with me, because if you trust your friends with your clothes, hair and decor opinions - you should trust them with your life, too. If you don't, find someone you do.
Your tribe should not be judgmental.
We're all guilty of judging someone else and their actions, friend or not. A bit of judgment will always be there because it's a part of human nature. What you don't want is a friend that tells you one thing, then blabs to mutual friends about the 'horrible' or 'stupid' things you're doing. We've all had friends like this, some of us still do. Those people are best kept at a distance. If you think of your life as a theater, they should be standing room--only available when another might be occupied.
I had a toxic friend like that for years. I was never sure what I did that made her so venomous to me when talking with others, but it never stopped.
It gave me severe anxiety and made me doubt my abilities as a friend because I couldn't figure it out. But, the answer was simple: She didn't love herself enough, so of course she couldn't love me. Some people are just that way. Their judgments come from doubting or even hating themselves, which is only going to filter into your life the same way. Choose friends that don't hold judgements against you, that allow you to make mistakes and learn lessons without constantly reminding you of who you were.
Friends are meant to represent different sides of your personality, different realms of your life. Girlfriends, especially, should not only represent those but challenge those realms. They should listen when you say you're hurt; they should not only celebrate the the victories, but cry and pick you up from your losses.
I've questioned my friendships more than most, but now I've build a strong, beneficial and beautiful group of girlfriends. Being as we've had the year of the woman in 2017, let's make 2018 the year of empowerment. Because that's exactly what your girl squad does – empower you in all that you do.
What do you look for in your squad?
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 6 Questions For Choosing The Right Friends - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Keep Long Distance Friendships Alive Work - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Maintain & Strengthen Long Distance Friendships - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- Why Some Black Women Have a Hard Time Making Friends ›
- We Asked These Women To Explain What Their Best Friends Mean ... ›
- Why Can't Black Women be Friends? - Brown Sista ›
- 17 Best On-Screen Black Girl Friendships We Will Cherish Forever ›
- To The White Woman I Can No Longer Be Friends With – Be Yourself ›
- There's An App That Helps Women Find And Make New (Girl) Friends ›
- #friendshipgoals hashtag on Twitter ›
- Urban Dictionary: Friendship goals ›
- 141 Quotes About Friendship | ChristianQuotes.info ›
- 7 Friendship Goals - YouTube ›
Courtney is a contributing writer, based in Puerto Rico by way of Tennessee. Interested in the intersection of fashion and culture, she has an affinity for fashion, empowerment, and really good tacos. Keep up with her on Instagram (@hautecourtxo).
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Megan Thee Stallion Shares Her Transformative Approach To Health And Wellness
Megan Thee Stallion is back and better than ever — both physically and mentally.
ForWomen’s Health May/June 2024 cover, the 29-year-old rapper bared all, opening up about her healing journey following the aftermath of the July 2020 shooting incident by rapper Tory Lanez.
“A lot of people didn’t treat me like I was human for a long time,” she told the publication. “I feel like everybody was always used to me being the fun and happy party girl. I watched people build me up, tear me down, and be confused about their expectations of me.”
She continued, “As a Black woman, as a darker Black woman, I also feel like people expect me to take the punches, take the beating, take the lashings, and handle it with grace. But I’m human.”
While the “Savage” artist exudes confidence through her stage presence and boisterous lyrics, behind the scenes, Megan was experiencing a silent battle with her mental health. “Before I went onstage, I would be crying half the time because I didn’t want to [perform], but I also didn’t want to upset my fans,” she says.
With pressures from the outside world piling up, Megan experienced “dark times,” that caused her to isolate from the public eye.
“I didn’t want to get [out] from under the covers,” she recalls. “I stayed in my room. I would not turn the lights on. I had blackout curtains. I didn’t want to see the sun. I knew I wasn’t myself. It took me a while to acknowledge that I was depressed. But once I started talking to a therapist, I was able to be truthful with myself.”
The “Wanna Be” rapper also details her current workout slip and diet that work hand in hand, giving her the mental clarity and stamina to perform at her highest level. For four to five days a week, Megan is locked in with one of her two trainers, Emory “Joc” Bernard and Tim Boutte doing a variety of workouts like Pilates, running up and down sand hills at the beach, or hitting the StairMaster or elliptical for upwards of 40 minutes.
Best known for her “Megan knees,” leg day is a must — with hip thrusts, goblet squats, leg extensions, and “stallion kicks,” being included in her circuits.
With a combination of therapy, stepping away from imbalanced relationships, and daily movement, the Houston Hottie has since been able to reconnect with herself on a deeper level; putting her happiness before the opinions of others. “Working on myself made me get into working out because I needed to focus my energy somewhere else,” she shares. “I used working out to escape and to get happy.”
“I’m in a space where I feel good mentally, so I want to look as good as I feel.”
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Featured image by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images