'Avoid Becoming Roommates' 6 Important Things We Learned About Love & Marriage from Boris and Nicole
Hollywood couple Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari Parker have been married over 14 years, after meeting on the set of Soul Food. Although the two have demanding schedules, and have to balance parenting, marriage and hectic careers, their bond seems to be stronger than ever.
We had a chance to sit down with the lovable and funny couple recently, who served Martin and Gina realness as they dropped gems on how to keep your relationship intact.
Here's a few key lessons we learned from the duo. Prepare to take notes!
1) Always Keep It Right & Tight
I.E. Don't Fall Off Just Because You Are No Longer On The Market
Nicole: When you first get together as boyfriend and girlfriend, your sexiness is brought out by the other person. You see him, he sees you. You're drawn to the other person, you want to kiss, you want to hold hands. You want to look your best. [Then] when you get married and you have children, you're trying to recreate that thing you had before. But I think needs to happens when you grow up, and your relationship grows, you have to go within yourself and find your own sexy again.
I have to lose weight or gain weight or be healthy for myself. And then when I feel sexy as a grown woman, then I can give that to him. I don't need him to pull it out of me anymore. And when I stop depending on him for those things, because I am depending on him to be a good father, a good partner, all these other things, I bring my sexy to the room.
So it's a dynamic that has to dawn on you. Because I'm still trying to recreate those 'Soul Food' [TV Show] moments sometimes. But also you have to make space for the other person to fall off or go through something!
[Tweet "You have to go within yourself and find your own sexy."]
Boris: I think it's part of growing, it's part of maturing. And it's also dedication. We made a commitment to be the best versions for each other, physically and spiritually. Like, I want to be with her. I don't need to be with her. And she doesn't need to be with me. But we want to be together and that is a foundation of a very strong commitment and the willingness to put forth effort and work everyday to sustain that relationship. And men are very good at that- if they want to be there.
2) Avoid Becoming Roommates
Boris: She's already super sexy. I think it's taking each other in [that keeps the relationship alive.] Being present in each other's lives, listen to each other. Do the little things. Send texts throughout the day. Send flowers. Going on date nights.
Our life revolves around our kids. It's our priority. Family life is very important and sometimes we forget that we were here first. And sometimes I have to remind her- "Look, um, I need some time with you alone. We need to go away.' Even if it is just for an afternoon, that's very important. And people can regret that. Because you don't want to turn into roommates. You don't want to go into 'roommate zone," That's always dangerous.
Nicole: But it happens just like that *snaps fingers* We [can] become complacent and become roommates. But then I realize- oh, it's on me. I need to do my cardio. I need to eat my [healthy] foods to make me feel good. And then, I can be better for him!
3) For Women -- Learn To Be Your Own Source Of Happiness
Nicole: A woman has to have her own source of happiness, you gotta have your own thing. Not necessarily like, 'I got my own thing, I don't need you, I don't want you.' But more like, your own source of happiness, your own thing that makes you happy so that when you come to the dinner table, when you come home, you have something to add to the conversation. You know? 'Like I have something to share with you!' So I'm not depending on him for my happiness.
[Tweet "A woman has to have her own source of happiness -@nicolearip"]
4) For Men -- Be Willing To Listen
Boris: You listen. You're present. Those things men have to learn sometimes. I had to learn how to listen. Because usually when she'd vented, I used to want to save her and solve the issue when all she really wanted was me to listen to her.
5) If a man tells you he is not ready, believe him
Boris: A man will tell you the truth. He will tell you if he's ready or not. And you should believe him. You should not think that you can change him or that he can mature quicker or grow quicker. If a man tells you he 'doesn't know,' then it usually means he's not ready.
[Tweet "A man will tell you if he's ready or not. Don't think you can change him"]
6) For Men -- Keep The Criticism Cute: 'Never Say You Don't Like It'
Boris: You don't everrrr say you don't like anything about your woman. That's rule number one! Whether it's a sweater, lipstick or hair. You don't ever.
And they will ask you! And you will never say you don't like it. Never. You just "formulate" it differently. So when she does wear the hair that I love, I will make sure that she understands that I love that hair. And when she asks me should she cut it, I be like, 'Noooo, don't cut the hair, please [although] you do look amazing with short hair... And shaved on one side, and long on the other but I really love the way you look right now. Don't change it."
So you gotta make it known but with a positive spin. Because I have hair envy (takes off hat). I don't have any. So at least my woman can have some hair so I can play with it.
What do you think about their tips?
Pictured: Boris Kodjoe and Nicole Ari Parker
Ref: SPL223937 031110 EXCLUSIVE
Picture by: Jen Lowery / Splash News
Splash News and Pictures
Los Angeles: 310-821-2666
New York: 212-619-2666
London: 870-934-2666
photodesk@splashnews.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Curate The Vibes With These Black-Owned Candles For Every Mood
Black women of the 90s and early 2000s had incense, and Black women of today are fully embracing our luxury candle era. Candles have become just as important as our perfume selections, and as a luxury candle connoisseur, I keep all of my favorites in stock in my storage closet.
Whether you’re moving out for the first time and want to try new scents or looking to set the mood for a self-care day or sexy evening, consider these Black-owned candle brands to curate the vibe you’re looking for.
If You’re Feeling Bad & Bougie
The Original Candle
If you’re the bougie friend of the group, this candle is for you. Hanifa has become a staple luxury brand; with celebs like Tracee Ellis Ross, Jennifer Hudson, Naomi Campbell, and Danielle Brooks seen in her designs, they have become everyone's favorite brand. They recently launched their first candle, The Original. The candle is infused with notes of mandarin, orange blossom, caramel, sandalwood, jasmine sambac, and vanilla.
When Wash Day Comes...
"Wash Day" Candle
Cavo
Need some inspiration to get up and section that hair so you can get to washing? Not to worry. This pineapple, mango coconut milk, and sugar candle will have your house smelling as good as your favorite conditioner.
Wellness Girl Necessity
Sunday in Brooklyn Candle
If you’re a girl who loves clean scents that clear the energy in your home and feel like the best Sunday you ever had, you need this candle. Infused with wild basil and lemongrass, it’s guaranteed to help you find your zen.
For Sunday Brunch If You’re Hosting
Champagne Showers
Champagne Showers is the perfect candle for a birthday celebration, Sunday brunch night in, or toast to your next big win! The candle includes a blend of bright bergamot, peach fizz, and creamy woods. It’s a bubbly fragrance that’s as sophisticated as our girl, Jackie Aina.
After You Listen To SZA
"After A Good Cry" Candle
Cavo
Let the tears flow, and let the healing begin. This rainwater, lavender, vanilla, and bean and bourbon candle is just what the doctor ordered if you’re getting over a breakup. But once you’re done crying, just remember you're worthy of much more, okay?
For The Lover Girl Era
"Love" Luxury Candle
If you’re done crying and have found the one you’ve been waiting for, let this candle burn as warm as your love for your new boo. Harlem Candle Co.'s "Love" fragrance represents a dramatic, romantic theme with both masculine and feminine accords melding beautifully together, infused with crisp apple and watery green notes.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Maskot/Getty Images