Hearts Are Breaking For Tamar Braxton After Her Mom Details Violence And Abuse In Her Marriage
Love should never be all there is in a relationship and deciding when enough is enough should always be an option.
Last month, Tamar Braxton drew a line in the sand when she filed for divorce from her husband Vince Herbert after nearly nine years of marriage. If you keep up with the singer/actress and Dancing WithThe Stars alum, you know that her life has been on public display for many years. From filming reality shows like Braxton Family Values and Tamar and Vince to her very dramatic exit from the daytime talk show The Real, Tamar is no stranger to the camera or the critics.
During the lead up to the newest season of Tamar and Vince, reports of her impeding divorce almost seemed like a publicity stunt. But soon afterwards, Tamar's mom Evelyn Braxton began talking to anyone who would listen about her true concerns about the demise of the marriage: alleged domestic violence.
What would you do if your daughter was trapped in an abusive relationship? Well, Evelyn is basically on a press tour of her own speaking out against Vince, saying that “battered women are in denial." Abuse is no laughing matter, and it is definitely isn't something to take lightly or to use to drum up ratings. We hope that this is not the case.
Recently, Evelyn sat down with the Rickey Smiley Morning Show, and her revelations are not only sad, but perhaps triggering for some folks. In the interview, Evelyn describes Vince as a “bully," “violent," and asserts that she is afraid not only for the fate of her 4-year-old grandson Logan, but that she is also afraid for her daughter's fate as well. She doesn't want Tamar to become a “statistic."
Evelyn fears for her daughter's life.
When you're violent like that, you don't think about 'Oh I better not do this because my child may see this,' you're just angry. And so you're acting out a behavior, and badly enough, the behavior he is acting out on is on Tamar. And I'm just afraid that he may hit her the wrong way, push her, and kill her, let's keep it real. Over 12,000 women are abused and killed every year. I do not want Tamar to be a part of that statistic, I just don't.
While her statistics may be off, there is still a huge cause for concern. If her allegations are true, Tamar is already a statistic. 1 in 4 women will become victims of severe violence by an intimate partner in their lifetimes, so the idea that this can happen even in Hollywood should not be a shock. These terrifying allegations highlight a disturbing reality for millions of Americans. According to the CDC, nearly 5 million women in the U.S. will experience physical violence by an intimate partner every year.
Evelyn also goes on to describe her daughter's own mental state.
Tamar's in denial. Because I think women that are abused are always in denial. They always think, 'oh he's not bad, it's okay, he's going to change, he didn't hurt me,' because they are hiding it from the public.
The cycle of violence not only leaves women in denial, but also in a state of isolation. They feel so alone with the thought that no one will understand why they would want to stay in this type of relationship. In a lot of cases, the abuser is charismatic, friendly, and seemingly a kind person to outsiders. However, their demeanor often changes behind closed doors. Because of this, some women are afraid to even tell their stories because they feel they may not be believed. As time goes on, victims start to feel as if it is their own fault, often justifying the abuser's behavior. In combination with low self-esteem, the cycle continues.
Evelyn also recalled a time that she was visiting Tamar and heard a loud sound. When she went to investigate, she saw Vince abusing Tamar, and when she tried to defend her daughter, Vince turned on her.
I ran back to the room because the baby was in the bed with me. I was very much afraid for the baby. I put a chair behind the door. I barricaded myself in the room, and held that baby all night long.That's no way for anyone to live, for God's sake. I was very concerned about my daughter, however, if I had I called the police, she would have denied it. Listen, battered women are in denial. They are hoping that things will change, and things will get better. No, no, no! It will not get better. And sometimes we think, 'if I had not said this, he wouldn't have done that. It's my fault' It's always your fault in your mind, body and spirit."
In some cases, victims of abuse may take on a persona to mask the reality of their situation. They make others believe that everything is alright, when this is far from the truth. Back in 2013, in a very emotional girl chat interview with Necole Kane of xoNecole, Tamar talked about a past abusive relationship and how it played into her self-esteem issues. Her words then were so important, but I wonder how much of what she said is still true to this day.
The reason why you see a lot of confidence is because I didn't have it. I used to allow people to take that away from me. The only thing that worked for me was to act as if I thought I was fabulous, but I didn't think I was fabulous. One day, I refused to let that person have that over me. That lie became my truth. I've always had a big personality it's bigger to you all now because I kind of had to play it up because that side still lives there. But I refuse to let that show because that would mean that he had won. I won because I'm still here!
As women, we are often reaffirmed in our identity to endure. Endurance can be beautiful, but that strength and resolve can be violated when we put our hearts in the wrong hands. The same hands that vow to protect us can belong to a man that doesn't hesitate to raise it when he feels compelled to. And sometimes our perception of love becomes distorted. We get fooled by words that's actions don't sync up, but when we're strong enough to remember who tf we are, we get a piece of that woman back that we were before we lost her.
If the allegations about Vince are true, we can only hope that Tamar has the strength to deal with her divorce and the healing process that will be necessary for not only her own mental health, but for the sake of her son.
Divorce is an extremely difficult process in and of itself, but the freedom you receive from your abuser is no doubt priceless.
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Honestly, I don’t know if it will surprise y’all or not to know that a few years back, Vice published an article entitled, “Women Get Bored in Bed Faster Than Men.” When it comes to the clients I work with, what I will say is men tend to underestimate how creative women can be while women seem to overlook that men fake orgasms just about as much as they do. My grand takeaway from all of this? Folks need to be intentional when it comes to keeping the spice alive in their sex life; especially if they’re in a long-term relationship.
That’s why, when one couple came to me and asked what was something that they could do to light the fire (pun intended) in their own bedroom, the first thing that I asked was if they had ever tried wax play before. You should’ve seen the expression on their faces. LOL.
When it comes to things like that, I think that it’s still taboo for some, simply because they’ve only seen it on a movie screen or heard about it in true extreme sexual contexts — and so, they don’t think that it’s something that is “for them” when, the reality is, with the right tips in tow, wax play can be for pretty much anyone…and everyone.
So today, let’s add something new to some of y’all’s boudoir list of activities. Here are 10 things that will, hopefully, help you to see the flames of wax play (I’ve got puns all over the place today) in a whole new light.
1. Anticipation Does Wonders for Sexual Arousal
GiphyI once read an article by a mental health expert who said that anticipation is probably the greatest aphrodisiac of all. It builds excitement. It fuels curiosity. At the end of the day, it’s like a mental form of edging because you’re getting close to something that you look forward to — although you’re not quite there yet. Listen, he’s not off base because even science says that anticipation can give you a dopamine hit that can ultimately improve your sexual experiences.
Keeping this point in mind, how can watching hot wax drip from a candle and head toward your body not fuel some level of anticipation? Especially if it’s your first few times trying it? A woman by the name of Ana Monnar once said, “Anticipation is sometimes more exciting than actual events.” Just something to consider, when it comes to entertaining bringing wax play into your world, my dear.
2. Wax Play Is Peak-Level Foreplay
GiphyWe all know what foreplay is, right? Just to be sure that we’re all on the same page, a very basic definition is it’s something that typically happens right before sex in order to arouse the people who are about to have it. And since foreplay is pretty much the prelude to copulation, it’s important that “the appetizer” is damn near as good as the “main course.” Wax play can help to ensure that because, aside from what I just said about anticipation, it can also help you and your partner tap into your more sensual and seductive sides. It’s hot. It requires being mindful. And since so much give and take is involved, it requires both people to be very into the moment. Lawd. Wax play is sexy to even just think about!
3. Temperature Pleasure Is Lots of Fun
GiphyOkay, say that you’ve never played with wax (in this way) before. Have you ever incorporated ice cubes? I ain’t gonna let y’all get ALL up in my business, so…let me just say (for now) that some ice during oral sex ain’t neva hurt nobody…quite the contrary! There’s something about the unexpected cool that mixes around with the warmth of a mouth that is truly unmatched. Along these same lines, wax play brings in the heat and, what makes temperature pleasure/play so awesome is, that it uses the sensations of different temperatures to bring out different forms of stimulation.
Another thing that’s worth noting about temperature pleasure is if you’re someone who considers yourself to be on the sexually conservative side yet you do like this type of activity, whether you realize it or not, you’re low-key participating in a form of kink (yep!). This brings me to my next point.
4. Wax Play Is an Introduction to Kink
GiphyIt’s kind of interesting how some people clam up at the thought of a (sexual) kink when the reality is, at the end of the day, it’s about having a certain type of sexual experience (as opposed to a fetish that focuses on objects or body parts; like a foot fetish, for example). So, if it’s that simple, why does it intimidate a lot of folks? Well, kinks tend to delve into people’s fantasies or unconventional ways of thinking (like BDSM or voyeurism).
At the same time, the cool thing about kinks is you control how deep you want to go. Just know that if you do participate in wax play, there’s no point in turning up your nose to the whole kink thing; wax play technically qualifies.
5. Soy Does One Thing. Paraffin Does Another.
GiphyOkay, so let’s spend a couple of moments talking about the things that you need to get the most out of your wax play experience. First, please don’t be out here imitating movies. While they will have you believing that you should pull a taper candle from your dining room table and go ham with it, it’s best to go with massage candles; they are specifically designed for wax play and body massages (The Knot has a recommendation list here and Women’s Health has a list of their own here).
When it comes to candles, in general, I’m always a fan of soy because they burn cleaner and last longer. However, when it comes to wax play, two other reasons why soy is best is it’s natural and “burns lower;” this simply means that once the wax hits your body, it won’t be as hot as, say, paraffin wax will (because it has a higher burning point).
What all of this means is if you want a more comfortable experience, go with a soy (or even a shea butter or beeswax) candle. If you want to play with the big (wax play) kids, try paraffin.
Oh, and if you’re wondering if you can never use “regular” candles — I mean, it’s your body. All I’m saying is some candles are designed for wax play; birthday candles? They are not. Feel me?
6. Massage Candles Feel Incredible on Your Muscles and Joints
GiphySo, here’s the thing about massage candles: If you’ve ever had a professional massage before, your massage therapist may have used them. And if you’ve gotten a high-end mani/pedi, some paraffin wax may have come into play (no pun intended). That’s because the wax from both types of candles has health benefits that include relaxing muscles, improving joint mobility, and increasing blood flow throughout the body. And when you factor in the fact that the better you physically feel before sex, the better sex will be during it — isn’t that just one more plus for and perk of wax play? I definitely think so.
7. The Aromatherapy Is Incomparable
GiphySomething else that’s awesome about most massage candles is they have a wonderfully alluring scent to them, by design. Yes, that matters too because there is plenty of data out here to support the fact that aromatherapy does everything from reduce stress and relieve bodily discomfort to treat headaches and fight off infections (word on the street is that it may even help with menstrual cramps and menopause).
As far as your sex life goes, aromatherapy is supreme because certain essential oils double up as aphrodisiacs. Lavender, neroli, and rose are proven to improve your sexual function. Geranium reduces anxiety. And listen, if climaxing is your ultimate goal, check out “Ultimate Climax Hack? 10 Scents That Make It So Much Easier To Orgasm” and then look for massage oils that smell like, say, vanilla, saffron or jasmine. Bottom line, a good massage candle that smells amazing is going to be worth every cent that you spent to purchase it.
8. You Will Learn Communication (and Dirty Talk) on a Whole ‘Nother Level
GiphyOne of the reasons why I once penned, “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” for the platform is because, if there’s one thing that I think is so awesome about sex, is it finds a way to incorporate all five of your senses (sight, touch, taste, sound and hearing) as well as your top love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and gifts — if you’re open to it).
And when it comes to hearing (and words of affirmation), this is another area where wax play can be a winner because, as you’re learning what works for your partner and they learn what works for you, words have to be exchanged… perhaps even dirty ones.
And why is dirty talk so damn effective? According to scientific research, it has the ability to activate your entire brain (the biggest sex organ that you have) and when this is going on while you’re being physically stimulated — chile, the sky truly is the limit!
9. Wax Play Is Completely Customizable
GiphyYou know back when I was talking about soy candles vs. paraffin ones? Something that I didn’t mention, by design at the time, is that, although I will forever be Team Massage Candles when it comes to this particular topic, there are some known as wax play candles too. What’s the difference? Wax play candles tend to remain pretty hard (after being lit up) while massage candles are designed to melt into a liquid that you can massage on your partner’s body.
Why am I bringing this all up now? Well, it’s to serve as a reminder that wax play can be “dialed up” or “turned down” based on what you want to do. If you just want to put a twist on a massage, you can do that. If you’d like to test your partner’s tolerance level by applying more heat for longer, do that.
Just make sure that you use the kind of wax that doesn’t fully melt on shaved areas of the body (pretty sure why is self-explanatory), that you moisturize your skin beforehand (it’s easier to remove the wax…or whatever is leftover) that way and that you pour around 15-20 inches away from your partner’s body; that gives it time to cool somewhat on the way down. Oh, and if you don’t want to jack up your sheets, you might want to lay down a protective drop cloth (like this one here).
10. It Sure As Hell Ain’t Boring
Season 1 Friends GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyLast point — and it brings all of this full circle. Now that you’ve read all of the ways that wax play can benefit your sex life, how in the world could you associate it with “boring” on any level? Anything that can get you hype, cultivate eagerness, and enhance what you’ve already got going on…that is worth putting on your sex bucket list and trying at least one time, wouldn’t you say? And why can’t that time be…TONIGHT? Shoot your man a pick of a massage candle with a heart and watch him beat you home.
Then report back (with edits…LOL).
Something tells me that you’ll become a wax play fan — SOON.
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