Hearts Are Breaking For Tamar Braxton After Her Mom Details Violence And Abuse In Her Marriage
Love should never be all there is in a relationship and deciding when enough is enough should always be an option.
Last month, Tamar Braxton drew a line in the sand when she filed for divorce from her husband Vince Herbert after nearly nine years of marriage. If you keep up with the singer/actress and Dancing WithThe Stars alum, you know that her life has been on public display for many years. From filming reality shows like Braxton Family Values and Tamar and Vince to her very dramatic exit from the daytime talk show The Real, Tamar is no stranger to the camera or the critics.
During the lead up to the newest season of Tamar and Vince, reports of her impeding divorce almost seemed like a publicity stunt. But soon afterwards, Tamar's mom Evelyn Braxton began talking to anyone who would listen about her true concerns about the demise of the marriage: alleged domestic violence.
What would you do if your daughter was trapped in an abusive relationship? Well, Evelyn is basically on a press tour of her own speaking out against Vince, saying that “battered women are in denial." Abuse is no laughing matter, and it is definitely isn't something to take lightly or to use to drum up ratings. We hope that this is not the case.
Recently, Evelyn sat down with the Rickey Smiley Morning Show, and her revelations are not only sad, but perhaps triggering for some folks. In the interview, Evelyn describes Vince as a “bully," “violent," and asserts that she is afraid not only for the fate of her 4-year-old grandson Logan, but that she is also afraid for her daughter's fate as well. She doesn't want Tamar to become a “statistic."
Evelyn fears for her daughter's life.
When you're violent like that, you don't think about 'Oh I better not do this because my child may see this,' you're just angry. And so you're acting out a behavior, and badly enough, the behavior he is acting out on is on Tamar. And I'm just afraid that he may hit her the wrong way, push her, and kill her, let's keep it real. Over 12,000 women are abused and killed every year. I do not want Tamar to be a part of that statistic, I just don't.
While her statistics may be off, there is still a huge cause for concern. If her allegations are true, Tamar is already a statistic. 1 in 4 women will become victims of severe violence by an intimate partner in their lifetimes, so the idea that this can happen even in Hollywood should not be a shock. These terrifying allegations highlight a disturbing reality for millions of Americans. According to the CDC, nearly 5 million women in the U.S. will experience physical violence by an intimate partner every year.
Evelyn also goes on to describe her daughter's own mental state.
Tamar's in denial. Because I think women that are abused are always in denial. They always think, 'oh he's not bad, it's okay, he's going to change, he didn't hurt me,' because they are hiding it from the public.
The cycle of violence not only leaves women in denial, but also in a state of isolation. They feel so alone with the thought that no one will understand why they would want to stay in this type of relationship. In a lot of cases, the abuser is charismatic, friendly, and seemingly a kind person to outsiders. However, their demeanor often changes behind closed doors. Because of this, some women are afraid to even tell their stories because they feel they may not be believed. As time goes on, victims start to feel as if it is their own fault, often justifying the abuser's behavior. In combination with low self-esteem, the cycle continues.
Evelyn also recalled a time that she was visiting Tamar and heard a loud sound. When she went to investigate, she saw Vince abusing Tamar, and when she tried to defend her daughter, Vince turned on her.
I ran back to the room because the baby was in the bed with me. I was very much afraid for the baby. I put a chair behind the door. I barricaded myself in the room, and held that baby all night long.That's no way for anyone to live, for God's sake. I was very concerned about my daughter, however, if I had I called the police, she would have denied it. Listen, battered women are in denial. They are hoping that things will change, and things will get better. No, no, no! It will not get better. And sometimes we think, 'if I had not said this, he wouldn't have done that. It's my fault' It's always your fault in your mind, body and spirit."
In some cases, victims of abuse may take on a persona to mask the reality of their situation. They make others believe that everything is alright, when this is far from the truth. Back in 2013, in a very emotional girl chat interview with Necole Kane of xoNecole, Tamar talked about a past abusive relationship and how it played into her self-esteem issues. Her words then were so important, but I wonder how much of what she said is still true to this day.
The reason why you see a lot of confidence is because I didn't have it. I used to allow people to take that away from me. The only thing that worked for me was to act as if I thought I was fabulous, but I didn't think I was fabulous. One day, I refused to let that person have that over me. That lie became my truth. I've always had a big personality it's bigger to you all now because I kind of had to play it up because that side still lives there. But I refuse to let that show because that would mean that he had won. I won because I'm still here!
As women, we are often reaffirmed in our identity to endure. Endurance can be beautiful, but that strength and resolve can be violated when we put our hearts in the wrong hands. The same hands that vow to protect us can belong to a man that doesn't hesitate to raise it when he feels compelled to. And sometimes our perception of love becomes distorted. We get fooled by words that's actions don't sync up, but when we're strong enough to remember who tf we are, we get a piece of that woman back that we were before we lost her.
If the allegations about Vince are true, we can only hope that Tamar has the strength to deal with her divorce and the healing process that will be necessary for not only her own mental health, but for the sake of her son.
Divorce is an extremely difficult process in and of itself, but the freedom you receive from your abuser is no doubt priceless.
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
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As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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