I met my husband for the first time while we were working together in the military. Immediately it was magic. He fumbled over his words, I bashfully smiled, and it was painfully obvious that we both felt butterflies.
From there, our casual friendship turned into a whirlwind romance. He made me dinner every chance that he got, we spent hours listening to music, we visited friends, and went on more dates than what we could count.
But for every up, we had just as many downs. The first time we broke up was as exhausting as it was heartbreaking. I cried for several days afterward, and he said that he felt like he was making a huge mistake. I threw away every gift that he ever gave me, and he avoided me. He complained to his friends, as I did mine.
While we were avoiding each other, many of our co-workers had grown very weary of watching our pettiness and pride. Some tried to break us up on purpose, because they just wanted our shenanigans to end already. But others pushed us to do what was really in our hearts, and let love prevail.
Finally, we decided to swallow our pride and make things work, and it was our best decision ever. That was nine years ago, and since then we’ve been through several meetings with a marriage counselor, one pregnancy, tons of crazy family members, and homelessness. Those formative dating years taught us that dating a co-worker can be tricky, yet rewarding if you’re realistic and mature.
This is how I knew that Empire star Grace Gealey (Boo Boo Kitty) was speaking the truth when she talked about workplace relationships during her appearance on FABLife.
The 31-year-old pixie cut beauty now goes by Mrs. Byers after tying the knot in a private ceremony with her "Empire" co-star Trai Byers a few months ago. While she was on the show last year, Grace had some tips for anyone involved in a workplace relationship and showed off her ring. (By the way, I wish someone had told me this years ago when I was dating my husband.)
I think that if two people are mature, and they’re able to understand that [if] this doesn’t work out, cause first I’m not a fan of flings where you work, ‘cause that’s where it gets a little dangerous. I mean if you want to have flings in real life, that’s fine...so I think that if you do get involved at your workplace, you have to know that this is something that you want to be invested in, and this is not something that’s, you know, frivolous and fleeting. And to have the maturity to know that if this doesn’t work out, you’re not going to, you know, throw staplers at the other person.
Grace is one of several Hollywood workplace relationship success stories. Sometimes, you just know that the person that you’re dealing with is a good catch.
Look at how it worked out for Boris and Nicole, Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez, or Ozzie Davis and Ruby Dee.
But some people aren’t into, “Getting their meat where they make their bread.” Take Taraji P. Henson for example. The Empire star says that she’s strongly against workplace relationships, and for good reason. She learned what I failed to realize when I started dating my husband: your professionalism can be compromised as a result.
During a 2012 interview with Sway In The Morning, after being asked if she would date her Think Like A Man co-star Michael Ealy, she responded:
I don’t mix my business with pleasure because nobody is coming between me and my coins. I don’t care how fine he is, and here is the deal with the dangers of playing these [roles]. When you are on the set and you're portraying these characters, those feelings are real. I mean for me, they are, but I’m professional and I know it's a job and I go to work to make pretend and I see how people fall in love on set, but I’m smart enough to know that when they yell ‘CUT’ it’s a wrap. You go back to your regular life and then what happens when you find out that you really fell in love with the character because ‘you, buddy are nothing like that character’. You realize that you’ve been living in a world of make believe. So, I try to separate the two.Now, when the movie is over and months later there is still chemistry going, I am not opposed to exploring that, but I don’t go into the job thinking, ‘Oh that’s who I am going to date next’ because its not about dating, It’s about a job.
If you do decide to date a co-worker, be smart about it. Remember that sometimes things don’t work out the way you’d like. If that happens, try to remain cordial, but don’t compromise your career over a fling. If you know that the person you are with was amazing before you got involved, don’t be petty and reduce them to rubble to save your pride.
Also, remember that your boss is watching. If they see that you can’t be mature about a workplace relationship, the fallout behind it could hurt you and the person you’re involved with financially, and no one wants that.
Featured image by Earl Gibson III/Getty Images for BET
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Romanticizing even the most simple parts of our lives is nothing new to Black women. Our favorites, like Maya Angelou, Tracee Ellis Ross, Eartha Kitt, and Beyoncé have all either embodied, talked about, or written about creating big moments out of the minor, and they're always the main character. We know all too well how to normalize being "extra," and we unapologetically do it without even blinking an eye. (The other day, my sister came to the house to braid my hair and I served custom mocktails in my newest eclectic cocktail glasses I found at HomeSense, because, romanticize a kitchen-tician moment, shall we?)
Here are three small but impactful and self-affirming ways to add a little more delight, allure, and joy into your work day:
1. Invest in decorating your space in a way that reflects your true personality and work style.
I find romance in my surroundings, whether it's choosing to go to a chic coffee shop to work or having lunch on an outdoor patio filled with my favorite lush greenery or bright colors. And when it comes to my office space, I have to have inspiration on my walls, in the background sounds, and even in the temperature. I've recently invested in buying vinyl albums with music that keeps my motivation going and the writing juices flowing. (Janelle Monáe'sThe Age of Pleasure is my latest, and it allows me to escape into an alluring playland of spunky confidence and joy.)
Even if it's a cubicle, add an aromatherapy element (within reason and consideration of your office mates). Treat your space to a weekly or monthly bouquet of flowers (or invest in some great faux ones). Include an easy-to-maintain snake plant or a glorious spider plant that you create a routine of watering and nurturing.
Get that new cordless mouse in a neutral or metallic color. Keep dainty notepads and journals around to write Thank-you cards or send birthday greetings to clients, coworkers, or industry friends. Add mood bulbs in your lamps or overhead lighting for creative brainstorming, or a meditative sound machine for in-office breaks.
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2. Make getting dressed for work a time for self-expression and self-care.
I feel much more ready to conquer my work day when taking meetings or even just doing the regular workday things when I'm wearing something not only comfy but chic. I'm not big on fussy fashion so that means, for me, sticking to a uniform of a well-fitting blazer, some casual slacks (or even sweatpants in a luxe or dressier fabric), and either a graphic tee or a tank. When it's cold (which is rare for me because of where I live), I'll throw on a scarf or swap the blazer for a cardigan, coat, or shacket in a bright hue or a print. For shoes, I either wear a pump, sneakers, or strappy sandals.
Put the sweatpants, pajama sets, or ill-fitting throw-ons away and start dressing. It doesn't have to be stressful, too dramatic, or expensive. If your job requires casual wear, take time to invest in quality pieces, a daily routine where your clothing is set the day or week before, and a deliberate step-by-step daily grooming habit that screams luxury in the way you do it (whatever that looks like for your lifestyle and obligations.)
I love creating different combos with the same work outfit formula, and when I can take these items out with ease and take my time putting them on, I don't have to rush through my skincare and haircare routines before starting work.
If you're not into dressing up, that's fine, but still, take the deliberate time to put that athleisure wear together in a way that affirms that you love yourself and you are super-aware that your look is the first impression people get before you even utter a word. Embrace your body type, so-called "flaws" and all, and wear things that make you feel refreshed, empowered, and confident.
Find ways to take the stress out of dressing, like getting a stylist, sticking to a capsule wardrobe, or allowing your favorite fashion influencer to do all the work for you. If you find that working from home has you a bit lazier and indifferent when it comes to grooming and getting dressed, start dressing to go to a co-working space, coffee shop, or park at least once per week.
3. Date yourself...as a job candidate who is somewhat taken but is open to other options.
I remember those fun days of the "roster," where I'd date multiple men and keep my options open simply because I just wasn't going to let anybody's son Reesa Teesa me into commitment. What was fun about this was the pressure was off, I could enjoy different personalities and experiences, and I could have fun in the process of finding the "one." (When I met my current man of seven years, I was dating three guys who I had to cut off once I fell in love. And to add context, just because you're dating someone, doesn't mean you're sleeping with them. Sad I have to note that, but just looking at the Black love and dating conversations being had in these Internet streets, I feel I must.)
The same way you'd have an adventure, keeping your options open while dating, is the same thing you can do being a 9-to-5 professional. It's an adventure that might boost your motivation and joy in working.
Just because you like your current job doesn't mean you shouldn't be shooting your shot at other places, especially if you're not 100 percent satisfied or are looking to advance. Within reason, this is a great way to explore what's fresh and new in the job market, what employers are looking for today, and what other wonderful career adventures are out there that you might be missing while you're comfortable at your current job. Be sure to know your company policies, use discretion, and only agree to interviews with companies that allow you to level up via travel opportunities, a higher salary, or more fulfillment.
If interviewing at other companies isn't your thing, try taking on a fun side hustle, where you can place your passions that don't fit your job per se, into something else. Enjoy the ride of building something from scratch, seeing it flourish, trying new skills, and meeting new people.
As with all things, we should find joy in our careers and the paths we're taking to fulfill our highest dreams.
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