For The Women Searching For Happiness Everywhere But Where They Currently Are
I used to think in order for my writing career to go anywhere, I had to literally go somewhere and get out of Philly.
There was no way I had a shot at being the next Iyanla Vanzant or the black Mindy Kaling if I was located anywhere outside of New York City. While it's true that changing your area code can give you better access to certain opportunities, there's no substitute for hustle, ambition, and a healthy dose of talent, especially when it comes to writing in a Wi-fi/Wordpress kind of world. For some of us, success is as simple as of change of address, but far too often many of us use “chasing our dreams" as a way to run away from our real problems.
Chances are we all know (or have been someone) who's packed up and moved to Los Angeles, New York City, or, the latest fave, Atlanta with the belief that relocation was the key to making their dreams come true. What about that person who is constantly quitting a job, moving to a new apartment, getting engaged, or even having children believing that the next big life change is the key to their happiness?
If any of this sounds familiar, then you may be affected by destination addiction (and it has nothing to do with frequent flyer miles). The term, coined by psychologist Dr. Robert Holden, creator of The Happiness Project, refers to the idea that success or happiness is a destination that we are traveling to which is unfortunately limiting many of us from enjoying the ride.
We find ourselves in a continued pursuit of happiness without allowing ourselves to enjoy the space we're presently in.
According to Dr. Holden, that pursuit is making many of us unnecessarily unhappy:
“We suffer, literally, from the pursuit of happiness. We are always on the run, on the move, and on the go. Our goal is not to enjoy the day, it is to get through the day."
I began to notice fleeting episodes of destination addiction among my friends and I the closer we all got to our 30's. It was as if there was this life checklist that we were frantically trying to complete that included college degree, professional career, home ownership, committed relationship and 2.5 kids all by the age of 35. I don't know why, but there's something about the big 3-0 that makes some people feel like they're captain of the Carnival Broken Dreams cruise ship if they are still living at home with parents and miles away from achieving the American dream.
The biggest problem with destination addiction is that it robs you of the opportunity to learn more about yourself in the moment and focuses on everything outside of your control. Some of us suffer from destination addiction because we truly believe happiness is always coming with the next big change. Others avoid spending too much time focused on the present because it forces them to deal with the real problem.
To be blunt: You have to step back every now and then and be honest about the part you play in your own unhappiness. Moving to a new home is not going to give you a fresh start if you allow your f**kboy of an ex-boyfriend to lay up under you whenever you're lonely. If you can't ever seem to get along with your co-workers, maybe the issue is your work ethic and not who you work for. And lastly, if you have no hustle in little No Name Town, USA, odds are moving to New York City won't suddenly make you get on your grind.
Destination addiction is deceptive because it makes you believe that happiness is something you have to seek rather than create.
There's nothing wrong with having goals, creating vision boards and generally wanting more for your life. I personally believe that life is about progress and every day I work on being a better person than I was the day before. The problem comes when your definition of better is solely based on your next move, material things and what looks good on paper. I can't tell you how many people I've met who can't wait to tell you about their Master's degrees or six-figure salaries, but can't even hold a decent conversation about current events because they spend their time scrolling through headlines without actually reading the articles. On the other hand, I've come across very humble people who are content with having 307 subscribers to their YouTube yoga channel and can talk about everything from Iran's nuclear program negotiations to Beyoncé's latest black power moves.
The one thing everyone who seemed genuinely happy and successful had in common: They enjoyed their lives because they were authentic to who they were and what they wanted specifically from life. Not what Instagram, their peers, or the American Dream told them they should. They were also focused on the quality of their life, not the quantity of experiences and making the most of the moment they were in, instead of rushing from one achievement to the next.
All of this Oprah Super Soul Sunday talk sounds good, but I can't tell you how much of an effort it takes to be at peace with the space I'm in lately, especially after being laid off about a month ago. As many quotes as I "pin" to my Inspiration Pinterest board, all it takes is one minute in my Instagram feed to make me instantly question my definition of "winning". The funny thing is, I first found the above "destination addiction" quote on Angela Simmons' Instagram page. It was sandwiched in between an #OOTD that I'm sure cost more than a week's salary for most people and selfies of her in a bikini on some exotic beach and I thought to myself, Hey Angela. I see you're jet-setting yet again. I'm just going to sit here and figure out how many more days I have until my student loan payment is officially delinquent.
The fact is, social media and an era of excess make a major contribution to this epidemic of destination addiction.
Scrolling through our Instagram and Facebook feeds are making many of us believe the good life is one waist trainer, designer handbag, or international vacation away.
I always think its funny when people say things like, “(Insert celeb name here) must not have any problems as much money as they make." How many Kanye West emotional outbursts do we have to witness before we realize that fame and money aren't the keys to happiness? It's an everyday to struggle to experience this moment in my life for what it is, and perhaps it's not about the next career move right now. Maybe it's time to enjoy my family, to balance myself and attach happiness to nothing more than my state of mind.
None of us are immune to destination addiction and we all have times where we have to convince ourselves that better times are ahead just to make it through the day. But the key to defeating destination addiction is to find happiness with the life you have and to achieve the goals that are important to YOU, not the ones you think will impress everyone else.
Going back to school to get that Master's degree? Get it because you want to be better educated, not because you want to impress your in-laws. Wait to marry someone you can't imagine living without, not because you're tired of your girlfriends giving you the side-eye because the longest relationship you've been in is with the Supernatural series. Most importantly, put that phone down and actually experience your trip to the Cook Islands instead of snapchatting the whole damn thing or planning the next impressive trip you'll take before you even board the plane.
You shouldn't need a passport in you pursuit of happiness. Learn to look forward to the future while finding peace with your present and attach the meaning of your life to the moments and not the milestones.
Featured image by Getty Images
- 7 Key Ways To Live A Happier Life - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Stop Chasing What's Next, Enjoy Stillness Happiness - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What is Destination Addiction? | Robert Holden, Ph.D. ›
- Do You Have Destination Addiction? | HuffPost ›
- Destination Addict - Travel Junkies | Bloggers | Exploration Inspirers ›
- The Search For Happiness | Psychology Today ›
- Destination Addiction | Signs You May be at Risk for Addiction ›
- Beware of “Destination Addiction” - Connie Mann ›
- Do You Suffer from Destination Addiction? - FrugalDad.com ›
- Pearl Within, Is there a cure for destination addiction? ›
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images