3 Guys Share What It Means When A Man Is Emotionally Unavailable
Emotional unavailability is a label we assign to men who shy away from commitment.
These men partake in the conventional song and dance of most relationships: the good morning text, the occasional outing aptly titled as a “date", the late night calls where they offer an ear to the women they're involved with – because let's face it, they are involved.
For all intents and purposes, it is a relationship.
You are together.
But you also aren't.
Seemingly Emotionally Available Man might interject the easy flow of your first date getting-to-know you conversation or third date connection-fueled banter with the conflicting reality of where he is in his life at the moment. There is where he reveals to you, “I'm not ready for a relationship" or other language that paints a similar portrait of lack his of readiness. To which you think to yourself, “Well, why the hell did this dude present himself to me as if he wanted to pursue something with me?"
You don't want to retreat from him based on his status of emotional unavailability.
He looks available...
He acts available...
Why isn't he available?
I don't believe emotional unavailability is a one size fits all phase of life. I think it involves circumstances and limitations that differ from man to man, and I don't believe it's necessarily the demise of a relationship.
As women, we're told to run from emotionally unavailable men.
And as a woman who was burned twice by their type, I definitely learned how to run. But when I encountered an exception to that rule, I began to wonder how true this emotional unavailable stigma we place on millennial men of today's dating age really was, especially if they continue to try to date.
Is it them having their cake and eating it too?
Or is it trying to make a conscious effort to become available?
I asked three guys about their experiences with dating during periods of emotional unavailability and here is what they revealed:
What does it mean when a man is emotionally unavailable?
Richard: Whenever I've been emotionally unavailable, it was because I was not where I wanted to be in my life. It's usually during times where I am focused to the point of having blinders on. I am trying to get my degree, I'm trying to get a better job, I might have been unemployed at the time, in search of a good job. I might have not had a car. There are a lot of things that can make me feel less of a man.
If I don't feel like a man, I can't be your man.
Jason: I don't necessarily believe in conventional relationships at this juncture in my life. I'd say I'm emotionally unavailable now. I go on four or five dates a week with different women. I'm emotionally unavailable because I have a lot of options. Nothing has caught my attention yet.
Karem: I'm emotionally unavailable in all of my relationships. I've never not been emotionally unavailable. It's just how I am naturally. Unless you're my family, I will have a hard time connecting and opening to you in that way.
Will you commit to a woman when emotionally unavailable?
Richard: Definitely. I try not to date until I'm in a good place in my life, but I still might see women for other things (laughs). I can't commit to people when I don't feel like I'm bringing my best self to the relationship.
Jason: Yes and no. There have been one or two times in the past where I committed to a woman. I wasn't completely in the relationship, but I wasn't out of it. I was focused on her and only her. I was getting there. She left me though, got tired of my “games". Now, I don't bother to make the attempt to be available, so now it does stop me from committing.
Karem: No. I've had girlfriends and was very committed to them in those monogamous relationships. Because it's how I've always been, I can separate not feeling ready to be open with my emotions from committing to one person.
What does commitment look like when you are emotionally available?
Richard: I think commitment takes a certain level of emotion. So if I'm not available to you emotionally, it's not a commitment in the least. I'm not open to receiving what you have to give nor am I open to giving it. When I'm emotionally available, I'm committed. I make an effort towards you whether it be romantic dates, carving out time for you every day in some form or other, fulfilling your emotional needs – doing more than just fucking you.
Jason: When I am emotionally available, I feel that I am different. I don't always say that I'm different but I expect the woman that I am dealing with to appreciate my efforts and attempts to be close. I don't want to have to say “I love you" as much as I want her to understand my actions say that. When I'm emotionally unavailable, I don't care about any of that. I'm in the situation for myself, whether it be for companionship at an event or in my bed at night.
Karem: For me, I don't think there's any major difference. If I am committed to you, I am committed to you. My last girlfriend and I were together for 2 years and I wasn't emotionally available at all until two months before we broke up. I was on the phone with her and just felt the sense of relief. Like wow, I am myself with this person. So up until that point, maybe even in the future, commitment has been the same to me either way.
Is there a difference between a man being emotionally unavailable and a woman being emotionally available?
Richard: I think women assume the role of being the more emotional one out of the two of us. Not to say that men aren't emotional, because I am very emotional, but I find myself not equipped to deal and I run away. I'm afraid of them sometimes. I don't think women look at their emotions quite like that. I think readiness differs between us because in situations where I'd run, she stays and endures.
I don't want to approach anything half-assed and I think if I'm not where I want to be, I'm not ready.
Thinking about a relationship before that is out of the question for me, but a woman, I think she sees a challenge and is willing to battle the odds.
Jason: The difference in our readiness or our levels of commitment is portrayed by the difference in how our life cycles work. Men have the ability to have romance for a longer time. The older men get, the more women want you so we have more options and they get younger and they get finer.
Karem: I think it's more based on the commonalities of your gender roles. A woman might know at the age of 9 that she wants to be married. Guys don't realize they have to get married until they are 19 or 20. A woman might have a 10 or 11 year advantage with how they feel about significant life moments and how they deal with those feelings. I'm still 10 or 11 years behind you.
Is there anything that would make you become emotionally available?
Richard: I make the choice to become available in my dealings with women. I either put myself out there as someone who is available and ready to be open to a relationship, or the woman I've encountered forces me to step up out of fear of losing her.
Jason: I'm not sure. (Laughs) I've never thought about that. Maybe meeting someone that challenges my perception of the world? Maybe when I'm over this ride. Until then, I ain't about that life.
Karem: With my ex, I learned that it takes me being truly comfortable enough to feel like myself. I don't think it even registered to me as a conscious choice. It just happened.
Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally unavailable? Did you continue to date them or did you walk away?
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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If you’re like many other people who are prioritizing wellness these days, then attending a wellness retreat might be something to consider. Wellness retreats are a cool way to get the relaxation you’ve been missing in a space with like-minded people who share a common goal. I descended upon my first wellness retreat, the Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat, a couple of weeks ago at the Zoëtry Agua Punta Cana Resort in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.
Zoëtry Agua is part of the Inclusive Collection for the World of Hyatt. It is nestled on a secluded part of Uvero Alto beach, which has crystal blue waters. The resort itself is picturesque, with its thatched roofs and lazy rivers that make you feel like you’re in a cute little village.
Mindy, Body, + Sol Retreat was hosted by Koya Webb, holistic health and wellness coach and yoga instructor, and it also featured other wellness practitioners who combined provided the ultimate gift of relaxation and getting back to oneself.
The first night was a Welcome Dinner that featured a five-course meal and an opportunity to meet our companions for the next three days. The food was impeccable and the only downside was that I wasn’t able to finish it all. The next day, however, was the official start of the classes, and I was ready to dive in.
Aura and Chakra Reading
Aura and chakra reading
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My first class was an aura and chakra reading led by Laura McCann and James Levinson, an Asheville, NC couple. I’ve had chakra readings before, but never like this. There was a computer, a camera, and a scanner, which I placed my hand on for the reading. After two minutes, I received a 15-page report explaining my aura and chakra reading.
It breaks down what the colors of your aura are and what your chakras say. My main colors were green and yellow, which were defined by a variety of things. The top of my aura was green, meaning I have a social mental state and I’m a natural healer. My aura on my left side was yellow meaning my energy flowing is optimistic and light and so on.
After James discussed the findings with me, I then met with Laura, who gave me aromatherapy oils from their ADORAtherapy line that represented each chakra. She further explained the results of my chakra reading and shared how each oil can assist. Chakras are the energy centers in our body, and there is a total of seven: root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown. All of my chakras were high except for my heart chakra, which I have since been working on. I may follow up about that in another article.
Sound Bath
Sound bath class
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Next was the sound bath class. It was located in the spa, which was indoor/ outdoor and the perfect setting for this kind of experience. Andrew Francis and Carrie Bailey of Zenden Meditation were the co-pilots in transporting attendees into a place of tranquility. I laid down, closed my eyes, and allowed the sounds around me to bring me into a relaxing state. From the singing bowls to the wind chimes, I was in heaven. I even fell asleep and got some of the best rest I’ve had in a while. It was a beautiful experience. However, remember when I noted it was an indoor/ outdoor venue? I forgot to put on bug spray and woke up pretty itchy. But it didn’t stop me from enjoying the moment.
Tea Party
Art of Tea Ritual Tea Party
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The last event of the day was the Art of Tea Ritual located in the resort’s tea garden. It was everything you could want in a tea party. Delectable treats such as cookies, cakes, and white chocolate-covered strawberries, which are my fave. And, of course, tea. While I got to sip tea, I also got to make my own tea blend. There were many different teas to choose from, like hibiscus to your regular black tea. I decided to mix rose and mint and I called it RoseMint. I didn’t get to try my tea blend until I got home, and I’ll be honest, it’s probably the best tea I ever had. The tea herbs taste so fresh, and I love how fragrant it smells.
Breathwork
Breathwork Class
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The next morning was all about breathwork. If you exercise regularly, then you probably know the importance of breathing. But there’s more to it besides remembering to breathe during your workout. Margaret Townsend is a breathwork facilitator who helps people achieve wellness by consciously changing their breathing patterns. In her class, I learned to change my breathing pattern for energy as well as for relaxation. While I know that breathing is a relaxation tool, I was blown away to learn that it can also energize you. Because it was a different breathing pattern, I was also able to stay present and keep a steady pace.
Yoga
Koya Webb's yoga class
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The final class of the retreat was evening yoga with Koya Webb, who, as I mentioned earlier, was the host. Her class was held beside the beautiful Uvero Alto beach, which made for a stunning backdrop and the perfect way to end the retreat. It was important for me to get back into my body after not doing yoga for a few weeks, so I was really focused on nailing the moves. However, Koya kept the energy light and fun, evening cracking a few jokes throughout, which made it easy for me to relax and enjoy the moment. She ended the class with a dance break and hugs from our classmates.
The Mind, Body, + Sol Retreat reminded me how important it is to take time to love on myself. Each class was an opportunity to be present and get reacquainted with oneself in the most loving way. Being surrounded by individuals who encouraged my journey was what I needed, and I am so honored to have had this experience.
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