3 Guys Share What It Means When A Man Is Emotionally Unavailable
Emotional unavailability is a label we assign to men who shy away from commitment.
These men partake in the conventional song and dance of most relationships: the good morning text, the occasional outing aptly titled as a “date", the late night calls where they offer an ear to the women they're involved with – because let's face it, they are involved.
For all intents and purposes, it is a relationship.
You are together.
But you also aren't.
Seemingly Emotionally Available Man might interject the easy flow of your first date getting-to-know you conversation or third date connection-fueled banter with the conflicting reality of where he is in his life at the moment. There is where he reveals to you, “I'm not ready for a relationship" or other language that paints a similar portrait of lack his of readiness. To which you think to yourself, “Well, why the hell did this dude present himself to me as if he wanted to pursue something with me?"
You don't want to retreat from him based on his status of emotional unavailability.
He looks available...
He acts available...
Why isn't he available?
I don't believe emotional unavailability is a one size fits all phase of life. I think it involves circumstances and limitations that differ from man to man, and I don't believe it's necessarily the demise of a relationship.
As women, we're told to run from emotionally unavailable men.
And as a woman who was burned twice by their type, I definitely learned how to run. But when I encountered an exception to that rule, I began to wonder how true this emotional unavailable stigma we place on millennial men of today's dating age really was, especially if they continue to try to date.
Is it them having their cake and eating it too?
Or is it trying to make a conscious effort to become available?
I asked three guys about their experiences with dating during periods of emotional unavailability and here is what they revealed:
What does it mean when a man is emotionally unavailable?
Richard: Whenever I've been emotionally unavailable, it was because I was not where I wanted to be in my life. It's usually during times where I am focused to the point of having blinders on. I am trying to get my degree, I'm trying to get a better job, I might have been unemployed at the time, in search of a good job. I might have not had a car. There are a lot of things that can make me feel less of a man.
If I don't feel like a man, I can't be your man.
Jason: I don't necessarily believe in conventional relationships at this juncture in my life. I'd say I'm emotionally unavailable now. I go on four or five dates a week with different women. I'm emotionally unavailable because I have a lot of options. Nothing has caught my attention yet.
Karem: I'm emotionally unavailable in all of my relationships. I've never not been emotionally unavailable. It's just how I am naturally. Unless you're my family, I will have a hard time connecting and opening to you in that way.
Will you commit to a woman when emotionally unavailable?
Richard: Definitely. I try not to date until I'm in a good place in my life, but I still might see women for other things (laughs). I can't commit to people when I don't feel like I'm bringing my best self to the relationship.
Jason: Yes and no. There have been one or two times in the past where I committed to a woman. I wasn't completely in the relationship, but I wasn't out of it. I was focused on her and only her. I was getting there. She left me though, got tired of my “games". Now, I don't bother to make the attempt to be available, so now it does stop me from committing.
Karem: No. I've had girlfriends and was very committed to them in those monogamous relationships. Because it's how I've always been, I can separate not feeling ready to be open with my emotions from committing to one person.
What does commitment look like when you are emotionally available?
Richard: I think commitment takes a certain level of emotion. So if I'm not available to you emotionally, it's not a commitment in the least. I'm not open to receiving what you have to give nor am I open to giving it. When I'm emotionally available, I'm committed. I make an effort towards you whether it be romantic dates, carving out time for you every day in some form or other, fulfilling your emotional needs – doing more than just fucking you.
Jason: When I am emotionally available, I feel that I am different. I don't always say that I'm different but I expect the woman that I am dealing with to appreciate my efforts and attempts to be close. I don't want to have to say “I love you" as much as I want her to understand my actions say that. When I'm emotionally unavailable, I don't care about any of that. I'm in the situation for myself, whether it be for companionship at an event or in my bed at night.
Karem: For me, I don't think there's any major difference. If I am committed to you, I am committed to you. My last girlfriend and I were together for 2 years and I wasn't emotionally available at all until two months before we broke up. I was on the phone with her and just felt the sense of relief. Like wow, I am myself with this person. So up until that point, maybe even in the future, commitment has been the same to me either way.
Is there a difference between a man being emotionally unavailable and a woman being emotionally available?
Richard: I think women assume the role of being the more emotional one out of the two of us. Not to say that men aren't emotional, because I am very emotional, but I find myself not equipped to deal and I run away. I'm afraid of them sometimes. I don't think women look at their emotions quite like that. I think readiness differs between us because in situations where I'd run, she stays and endures.
I don't want to approach anything half-assed and I think if I'm not where I want to be, I'm not ready.
Thinking about a relationship before that is out of the question for me, but a woman, I think she sees a challenge and is willing to battle the odds.
Jason: The difference in our readiness or our levels of commitment is portrayed by the difference in how our life cycles work. Men have the ability to have romance for a longer time. The older men get, the more women want you so we have more options and they get younger and they get finer.
Karem: I think it's more based on the commonalities of your gender roles. A woman might know at the age of 9 that she wants to be married. Guys don't realize they have to get married until they are 19 or 20. A woman might have a 10 or 11 year advantage with how they feel about significant life moments and how they deal with those feelings. I'm still 10 or 11 years behind you.
Is there anything that would make you become emotionally available?
Richard: I make the choice to become available in my dealings with women. I either put myself out there as someone who is available and ready to be open to a relationship, or the woman I've encountered forces me to step up out of fear of losing her.
Jason: I'm not sure. (Laughs) I've never thought about that. Maybe meeting someone that challenges my perception of the world? Maybe when I'm over this ride. Until then, I ain't about that life.
Karem: With my ex, I learned that it takes me being truly comfortable enough to feel like myself. I don't think it even registered to me as a conscious choice. It just happened.
Have you ever dated someone who was emotionally unavailable? Did you continue to date them or did you walk away?
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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Being a creative doesn't mean you have to settle for mediocre jobs that don't allow you creative expression just to pay the bills. There are opportunities out there that allow you to use multiple skills of creative thinking, vision, and artistry, and several offer high salaries. The performing and creative arts industry revenue has grown to reach an estimated $57 billion this year. This includes actors, artists, models, media personalities, and authors, among other creative professions.
“The ease of accessing content via the internet has made this industry less dependent on location. Performers and artists are now able to distribute their work from anywhere with a high-speed internet connection,” IBIS World, a data research firm, reports.
If you're a creative professional who needs a boost in income, has a bit of experience with creative projects, or wants to use your transferable skills from one job to transition into another industry, check out these top six-figure jobs for creatives:
1. Fit Model
Average Yearly Salary: $100,000+
We all know about supermodels who make six- into seven- and eight-figure salaries walking in fashion shows or posing for campaigns. And while they are the exception, not the norm, there is a specific type of modeling that an everyday professional can do to potentially earn an amazing salary. These are models who are hired by designers or clothing manufacturers to test the fit, style, and appearance of the fashions they offer, especially if it’s a niche line or department like plus, petite, maternity, or big and tall.
You don’t necessarily have to walk a catwalk or take photos, but you have to have specific measurements that fit certain niches and of course, be confident, professional, timely, and reliable in testing out the garments.
2. Creative or Art Director
Average Yearly Salary: $114,155
These professionals are in charge of the creative or visual vision of a brand, concept, or project, and they have to use skills such as research, team management, digital media, and art conceptualizing in order to do their job well at the six-figure salary level. Indeed indicates a candidate must have five to eight years of experience, know how to market themselves and their ideas, and be able to work well with clients and team members.
Delmain Dobeson/Getty Images
3. Digital Designer
Average Yearly Salary: $109,503
You’ll be able to use your strategic creativity to develop websites, web pages, newsletters, and other digital products for a company or brand, and you’ll have diverse options in terms of what industry you’d like to work in. It’s not a job just exclusive to media or advertising, as you might be supporting individual personalities, campaigns, small businesses, or various aspects of a corporation. You must have a knack for combining your ideas with skills using design programs and coding languages like Adobe Creative Suite, JQuery, HTML, CSS, and JavaScript.
4. Animator
Average Yearly Salary: Up to $101,000
If you are an artist or love to play around with the ways you can use art to create cartoons, tutorials, games, and other interactive experiences, this is perfect for you. There are diverse ways you can pursue this, and if you’re a freelancer, you can work with multiple clients to really stretch your range and earning potential.
Some animators can even earn extra via commissions or profit-sharing depending on experience, contract, and nature of the projects they work on. You’ll need to be trained in animation software programs as well as basic sketching and art skills. For some projects or jobs, you might also be handling budgets, editing, or creating new storylines and scripts.
5. Public Relations Managers
Average Salary: Up to $186,000
Professionals who are public relations managers (or strategists) in top business markets like New York, Los Angeles, or Washington D.C. command the big salaries and are able to combine critical, communications, and creative skills to not only manage the pitching and marketing of clients, concepts or messaging but helm the vision of taking a professional, brand or business to the next level.
You’ll need several years of experience, strategic marketing, an MBA, or a master’s level communications degree. Many who have paid their dues start their own firms, bringing the earnings well into six figures as well.
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6. Social Media Content Creator
Average Annual Salary: 100,000+
There are millions of content creators who have hit the six-figure mark via YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok. To be clear, these are creatives who have built strategy and business acumen into their creative pursuit, and some of the top-earning content creators have agents and talent managers to help facilitate their boosts in income. Some have started officially structured businesses to offer content creation, ambassador, strategy, and video content services, while others are simply fully self-employed and are hired as freelance employees.
Some are hired by brands, small businesses, and corporations to create exclusive content as employees. Brand deals and resources like YouTube’s ad revenue and TikTok’s Creator Fund also add to the earnings. For this, you must be able to multitask and schedule using platforms like Sprout Social, Buffer, or Hootsuite, have a knack for social media video production, and have a knowledge of SEO and digital marketing.
7. Digital Marketing Manager
Average Annual Salary: $124,000
In this position, you’d be leading the digital marketing strategy and operations to increase the demand for a product, tap into new customers, enhance sales, and drive traffic to a company’s website or store. A knowledge of SEO and SEM is required, with at least five years of experience as a digital marketer, as well as a knack for sales, creative visuals, and a bachelor’s degree in marketing or other digital media marketing niches.
8. Medical Illustrator
Average Annual Salary: $168,000
If you have a passion for healthcare but want something a bit more on the creative side and less on the medical or tech side, this is perfect. In this job, you’ll be collaborating with researchers, doctors, and other medical professionals to turn complex concepts into visual images that can be used in books, presentations, or other educational purposes. Experience in artistry, drawing, and sketching is required, as well as training and education in both life sciences and visual media.
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