5 Pieces Of Dating Advice I Wish I Could Give My Younger Self!
In 2011 -- a year following my divorce, I met a young man who I felt could mend my heart.
He was tall, dark, handsome, well spoken and well liked -- everything a girl could dream of on paper. In the beginning there was light, a light of hope for a new love. But as time went by, the relationship spun into darkness. Whether it was the dish I cooked, shirt I picked out, or the way I answered him, it was as if nothing I did was good enough. In fact, his dissatisfaction only made me want to work harder and do more to please.
I recall times when he'd squeeze my wrist a little too hard in public as a warning, leaving bruises -- but it was my fault because I was fragile or bruised "easily." Or the time he dislocated my shoulder and I had to lie to my child because I didn't want her to worry. Each time letting him come back because he appeared to be remorseful and willing to change. But that was only the beginning.
In 2012, I faced an unplanned pregnancy. I had just lost my job and I was struggling to pay the rent. To top it off, the father of my child had given me an ultimatum (as he was "not ready" to be a father)... it was "him or the baby." So, as you can imagine, I was struggling with the decision of bringing a beautiful new babe into my chaotic world. After all, I was already a single mother with one divorce under my belt, living check to check -- now couch surfing, all the while awaiting the big day. I felt as if the weight of the world was sitting on my shoulders -- better yet, my chest!
Although I told my ex where he could put his ultimatum, he came back around to see our child's birth. And while my gut told me to "RUN" in the other direction, I took him back out of fear. Fear of what I thought would be failing yet another child. "You can't do this alone," he said. "You need me," he said. I believed him. For a few months, things appeared to be different. Until the pressure of fatherhood began to sink in. Then the drinking, cheating, lying, and abuse began to resurface.
Oddly enough, it took one fight (like so many before) to get me to LOOK UP. "You don't do sh*t for your kids," he said. "I don't even want to be here but now we have this baby." -- "I gave you an ultimatum but I'm still here. So why wouldn't you want to make it work?" he continued. As if he was doing me a favor.
Holding my baby close, I quickly scanned the room at the home I had built for "us." It was MY blood, sweat, and tears that went into making this home, I thought to myself. At that moment, I knew I'd be damned if I allowed this to continue. I would never want this for my daughters, so why am I endorsing it for myself?
As he proceeded to punch the wall, it was as if the three years preceeding the fight flashed before my eyes. I pictured myself laying on the ground in shock like years before... but this time, it was my child crying beside me. "He's got to go," I whispered to myself. With tears streaming down my face, my hands shaking, and my body quivering in fear, I opened the front door and with everything in me yelled, "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
A few insults later, he managed to make it out the front door and I hit the floor... in prayer. I was ashamed. Not just because I saw this coming. But because I had been here too many times before. Although I am a different person today. There are still some days where I wish I could go back an avoid all of the pain.. much of which I am still working through today.
So, as part of the healing process, I've created a list of dating advice I'd give my younger self:
Fall in love with yourself first.
Don't spend your days in search of a partner to "complete" you. Discover what makes you SPIRITUALLY, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole first and foremost. Then, when you do meet someone special, ask yourself, "Is this person adding or subtracting from my life" -- "Do they build me up or break me down?" I think Oprah said it best. Don't spend your life searching for the perfect person. Work to make yourself the perfect person for YOU, and then... only then, will "the right person be drawn to you based upon the work that you put out."
[Tweet "First, discover what makes you spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole."]
If someone tells you're they're not good for you, believe them and RUN.
You cannot save everyone! While mending the brokenhearted is practically embedded in your DNA, people are who they are. Some people are going to destroy themselves, no matter how much you try to "help" them. If someone says that they are "no good" for you, or "trouble," take that at face value and run the other way. Just because you are open and capable of love does not mean the one you "want" is ready for love. You will deplete yourself by trying to "heal" this person -- which in the end, will do you more harm than good.
Trust your intuition.
It's trying to protect you! Never stop sharing your love; that's why you were put on this Earth. But sometimes real love means saying goodbye. It takes much more courage to let something go than it does to hold tight -- or try to "fix" it. Letting go doesn't mean you're ignoring the situation. It simply means you're accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, opposition, or desire for control.
[Tweet "Trust your intuition. It's trying to protect you."]
Talk it out!
As difficult as this may be sometimes, do NOT keep your feelings bottled up! People are not mind readers. They should not have to jump through hoops to uncover when and how they have wronged you. Pass on the fit of tears over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and open the floor to a grown-up discussion at an appropriate time in private. Learn how to separate the person from the issue. Be soft on the person but firm on the issue. If you want to find long-term relationship success, you're going to have to learn how to communicate.
Forgive yourself.
Life didn't come with instructions. You are not your mistakes. You are not your struggles. You are here NOW with the power to shape your tomorrow. Take all the time you need to heal. The key to breaking free from your broken self, is baby steps -- taking it one day at a time. Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life. Just because today is painful doesn't mean tomorrow won't be great. You WILL get there.
What advice would you give your younger self? Do share!
Ruu Hawkins is a highly dependent coffee life-form, currently working towards her Master's in this thing called life. When she 's not perfecting her pen game, she's a single mother of two queens who prides herself on being a creative, curly mobbin', couture enthusiast! Chat with her on Twitter @ruubabie.
If you have any personal stories that you'd like to share with the readers of xoNecole, please submit your essays to editor@xonecole.com for a chance to have your voice heard and your story featured!
Lover of tacos and a killer jacket. Keanu Reeves is bae. Mother of two amazingly awesome children. I live by one rule: Don't be a Richard. Follow me on Instagram @truthhawkins.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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6 Flexible Entry-Level Remote Careers That Truly Require No Experience
It’s always frustrating when you’re new to the job market, transitioning into something new, or you’ve taken a few gap years to care for children, and a so-called entry-level opportunity actually requires experience. If you’ve just graduated from your program or you’ve been working in another field for years, how is this possible?
Well, there are job opportunities, according to the experts at FlexJobs, that require no experience and are perfect for those who are looking to make a change or are new to an industry or role. And many of these roles are fully remote, allowing you to make money while at home (or almost anywhere in some cases.)
Here are six remote jobs that require little to no experience to help you get an idea of where to start:
1. Administrative
According to FlexJobs, there’s a demand for virtual and executive assistants who can provide support to others using the transferable skills they’ve learned either working in another industry or that they’ve been trained to do in college or a trade school. These roles require “clear communication skills and efficiency will impress potential clients and employers.” And the fun factor: You can choose what type of company or type of assistance work you want to do, oftentimes can set your own hours, and if you find purpose in helping a visionary reach their vision, this is a hit.
2. Language & Translation
Working as a translator involves “translating verbal files into written documents, using video to interpret virtually, or proofreading and cleaning up translated files.” You can also use these skills in education or for corporate communications, so if you have certifications or you’re fluent in multiple languages, this might be a good fit.
Maca and Naca/Getty Images
3. Social Media
We all know social media is here to stay, and there are lucrative ways to leverage. Brands and larger companies need passionate professionals to manage their pages, automate posts, or provide strategy, and while some professionals bring marketing degrees to these jobs, this industry is wide open for those who have skills in using popular platforms, videography, art direction, and creative voice.
4. Sales
For those who have worked in retail, have a natural gift of gab, or are motivated by the hustle, this career lane is a hit, especially when it comes to online sales jobs. Some entry-level sales positions involve working in a call center, but if you’re able to sell your transferable skills well, you can apply for sales jobs at various companies with experience from another field or a college degree from a CG in a call center environment and either taking inbound calls or making outbound calls in order to sell a product or service.
5. Customer Service
While this one can get a bad rap, it’s a great opportunity for someone looking for a change who loves serving others. Oftentimes, you can find gigs that are web-based, and several openings require no previous customer service experience. There’s also potential for growth and thriving in customer service if you’re great at sales and you land a gig at a company that rewards meeting goals every month or year. Skills in communication, typing, and professional conflict resolution are valuable in this field.
6. Travel & Hospitality
Jobs like being a travel agent allow you to help vacationers and corporate leaders alike plan, book, and troubleshoot trips, whether for business or pleasure. You can also find opportunities to work for a hotel or resort or even for small businesses that specialize in offering Airbnbs. For this job, you’ll typically need to have “good people skills and the ability to easily learn new software programs.”
Find out more about remote jobs where you need little to no experience via FlexJobs or follow them on Instagram.
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Featured image FG Trade/Getty Images