5 Pieces Of Dating Advice I Wish I Could Give My Younger Self!
In 2011 -- a year following my divorce, I met a young man who I felt could mend my heart.
He was tall, dark, handsome, well spoken and well liked -- everything a girl could dream of on paper. In the beginning there was light, a light of hope for a new love. But as time went by, the relationship spun into darkness. Whether it was the dish I cooked, shirt I picked out, or the way I answered him, it was as if nothing I did was good enough. In fact, his dissatisfaction only made me want to work harder and do more to please.
I recall times when he'd squeeze my wrist a little too hard in public as a warning, leaving bruises -- but it was my fault because I was fragile or bruised "easily." Or the time he dislocated my shoulder and I had to lie to my child because I didn't want her to worry. Each time letting him come back because he appeared to be remorseful and willing to change. But that was only the beginning.
In 2012, I faced an unplanned pregnancy. I had just lost my job and I was struggling to pay the rent. To top it off, the father of my child had given me an ultimatum (as he was "not ready" to be a father)... it was "him or the baby." So, as you can imagine, I was struggling with the decision of bringing a beautiful new babe into my chaotic world. After all, I was already a single mother with one divorce under my belt, living check to check -- now couch surfing, all the while awaiting the big day. I felt as if the weight of the world was sitting on my shoulders -- better yet, my chest!
Although I told my ex where he could put his ultimatum, he came back around to see our child's birth. And while my gut told me to "RUN" in the other direction, I took him back out of fear. Fear of what I thought would be failing yet another child. "You can't do this alone," he said. "You need me," he said. I believed him. For a few months, things appeared to be different. Until the pressure of fatherhood began to sink in. Then the drinking, cheating, lying, and abuse began to resurface.
Oddly enough, it took one fight (like so many before) to get me to LOOK UP. "You don't do sh*t for your kids," he said. "I don't even want to be here but now we have this baby." -- "I gave you an ultimatum but I'm still here. So why wouldn't you want to make it work?" he continued. As if he was doing me a favor.
Holding my baby close, I quickly scanned the room at the home I had built for "us." It was MY blood, sweat, and tears that went into making this home, I thought to myself. At that moment, I knew I'd be damned if I allowed this to continue. I would never want this for my daughters, so why am I endorsing it for myself?
As he proceeded to punch the wall, it was as if the three years preceeding the fight flashed before my eyes. I pictured myself laying on the ground in shock like years before... but this time, it was my child crying beside me. "He's got to go," I whispered to myself. With tears streaming down my face, my hands shaking, and my body quivering in fear, I opened the front door and with everything in me yelled, "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
A few insults later, he managed to make it out the front door and I hit the floor... in prayer. I was ashamed. Not just because I saw this coming. But because I had been here too many times before. Although I am a different person today. There are still some days where I wish I could go back an avoid all of the pain.. much of which I am still working through today.
So, as part of the healing process, I've created a list of dating advice I'd give my younger self:
Fall in love with yourself first.
Don't spend your days in search of a partner to "complete" you. Discover what makes you SPIRITUALLY, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole first and foremost. Then, when you do meet someone special, ask yourself, "Is this person adding or subtracting from my life" -- "Do they build me up or break me down?" I think Oprah said it best. Don't spend your life searching for the perfect person. Work to make yourself the perfect person for YOU, and then... only then, will "the right person be drawn to you based upon the work that you put out."
[Tweet "First, discover what makes you spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole."]
If someone tells you're they're not good for you, believe them and RUN.
You cannot save everyone! While mending the brokenhearted is practically embedded in your DNA, people are who they are. Some people are going to destroy themselves, no matter how much you try to "help" them. If someone says that they are "no good" for you, or "trouble," take that at face value and run the other way. Just because you are open and capable of love does not mean the one you "want" is ready for love. You will deplete yourself by trying to "heal" this person -- which in the end, will do you more harm than good.
Trust your intuition.
It's trying to protect you! Never stop sharing your love; that's why you were put on this Earth. But sometimes real love means saying goodbye. It takes much more courage to let something go than it does to hold tight -- or try to "fix" it. Letting go doesn't mean you're ignoring the situation. It simply means you're accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, opposition, or desire for control.
[Tweet "Trust your intuition. It's trying to protect you."]
Talk it out!
As difficult as this may be sometimes, do NOT keep your feelings bottled up! People are not mind readers. They should not have to jump through hoops to uncover when and how they have wronged you. Pass on the fit of tears over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and open the floor to a grown-up discussion at an appropriate time in private. Learn how to separate the person from the issue. Be soft on the person but firm on the issue. If you want to find long-term relationship success, you're going to have to learn how to communicate.
Forgive yourself.
Life didn't come with instructions. You are not your mistakes. You are not your struggles. You are here NOW with the power to shape your tomorrow. Take all the time you need to heal. The key to breaking free from your broken self, is baby steps -- taking it one day at a time. Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life. Just because today is painful doesn't mean tomorrow won't be great. You WILL get there.
What advice would you give your younger self? Do share!
Ruu Hawkins is a highly dependent coffee life-form, currently working towards her Master's in this thing called life. When she 's not perfecting her pen game, she's a single mother of two queens who prides herself on being a creative, curly mobbin', couture enthusiast! Chat with her on Twitter @ruubabie.
If you have any personal stories that you'd like to share with the readers of xoNecole, please submit your essays to editor@xonecole.com for a chance to have your voice heard and your story featured!
Lover of tacos and a killer jacket. Keanu Reeves is bae. Mother of two amazingly awesome children. I live by one rule: Don't be a Richard. Follow me on Instagram @truthhawkins.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Robyn Dixon Confirms She Will Not Be Returning To 'The Real Housewives Of Potomac' After 8 Seasons
Robyn Dixon has officially confirmed the rumors of her exit from The Real Housewives of Potomac after eight seasons.
In the most recent episode of her podcast Reasonably Shady with co-host and her now former RHOP castmate and best friend Gizelle Bryant, Robyn revealed to listeners that Bravo did not ask her back. "It's reality. I was fired, for lack of better words," she said.
"And I will not sugarcoat the situation and say, 'Oh I am walking away' and this is a break or anything like this. This was a network decision. And, you know, I'm okay with it because nothing lasts forever."
News of Robyn's exit first made headlines in late March, as reported by The Jasmine Brand. On the Monday, April 15 episode of the Reasonably Shady podcast, Robyn explained the reason behind her decision to wait to confirm her departure now versus then. "I wanted to speak my own business, my own life, my own news, my own life, my own news, and I wanted to share it out of my own mouth when the time was appropriate.
"And I felt like the appropriate time would be once season 8 of The Real Housewives of Potomac was finished airing, which it is. now finished airing; the last reunion episode just went off last night. And I wanted to respect the network and respect the show and wait until the season ended, which I think makes sense," she continued.
Robyn's announcement comes shortly after news of Candiace Dillard Bassett's decision to 'take a break' from the franchise which came during the airing of the eighth season's three-part reunion special. Robyn has been a part of the Maryland version of The Real Housewives franchise since the beginning with viewers being privy to a lot of the series' vet's highs and lows, including her tax issues in season five where the reality star owed close to $90,000 in back taxes, and her engagement and subsequent remarriage with on-again-off-again partner turned husband Juan Dixon.
Some of the pair's trials as a couple became the center of controversy when cheating rumors swirled and the Dixons maintained a united front with both of them vehemently denying any outside affairs. In a slightly controversial move in 2023 following a season of denials of Juan's alleged infidelities, Robyn placed her transparency behind a podcast paywall instead of airing it out on the show, a decision that might have been seen as the beginning of the end for the 45-year-old.
The Real Housewives of Potomac has sparked much criticism over the years, largely stemming from viewers feeling as though the reality show suffers from colorism and perceived favoritism shown to particular cast members depending on skin tone and the emphasis on "fake" storylines instead of focusing on what is real amongst the group of women.
Some of those pain points were explored during the latest season's reunions with the cast members not getting very far in understanding their colorism experiences. "There's no better group of Black women on the Bravo network to talk about that than us," fellow housewife Karen Huger said in the explosive conversation in the second part of the reunion special.
"No, actually, that's very incorrect," Wendy Osefo interjected at the time, "because if you want to talk about colorism, then you need to have the range to talk about it. And a lot of people on this couch, whether you want to admit it or not, do not have the range."
Candiace has been very vocal about her perspective on colorism as it relates to the cast and it is speculated that that as well as favoritism played a part in the reason she announced her own departure from the Bravo series on March 25 after six seasons. Though she emphasized it was "not a farewell," but a "'see you later.'"
The 37-year-old singer told PEOPLE exclusively, "As I embark on a new chapter after six remarkable years with The Real Housewives of Potomac, I am filled with gratitude for the enriching friendships, personal growth, and moments of introspection that have defined this journey."
She continued, "With a whirlwind of new opportunities and responsibilities on my plate, I have decided to take a break from RHOP."
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Featured image by Mindy Small/Getty Images