5 Pieces Of Dating Advice I Wish I Could Give My Younger Self!
In 2011 -- a year following my divorce, I met a young man who I felt could mend my heart.
He was tall, dark, handsome, well spoken and well liked -- everything a girl could dream of on paper. In the beginning there was light, a light of hope for a new love. But as time went by, the relationship spun into darkness. Whether it was the dish I cooked, shirt I picked out, or the way I answered him, it was as if nothing I did was good enough. In fact, his dissatisfaction only made me want to work harder and do more to please.
I recall times when he'd squeeze my wrist a little too hard in public as a warning, leaving bruises -- but it was my fault because I was fragile or bruised "easily." Or the time he dislocated my shoulder and I had to lie to my child because I didn't want her to worry. Each time letting him come back because he appeared to be remorseful and willing to change. But that was only the beginning.
In 2012, I faced an unplanned pregnancy. I had just lost my job and I was struggling to pay the rent. To top it off, the father of my child had given me an ultimatum (as he was "not ready" to be a father)... it was "him or the baby." So, as you can imagine, I was struggling with the decision of bringing a beautiful new babe into my chaotic world. After all, I was already a single mother with one divorce under my belt, living check to check -- now couch surfing, all the while awaiting the big day. I felt as if the weight of the world was sitting on my shoulders -- better yet, my chest!
Although I told my ex where he could put his ultimatum, he came back around to see our child's birth. And while my gut told me to "RUN" in the other direction, I took him back out of fear. Fear of what I thought would be failing yet another child. "You can't do this alone," he said. "You need me," he said. I believed him. For a few months, things appeared to be different. Until the pressure of fatherhood began to sink in. Then the drinking, cheating, lying, and abuse began to resurface.
Oddly enough, it took one fight (like so many before) to get me to LOOK UP. "You don't do sh*t for your kids," he said. "I don't even want to be here but now we have this baby." -- "I gave you an ultimatum but I'm still here. So why wouldn't you want to make it work?" he continued. As if he was doing me a favor.
Holding my baby close, I quickly scanned the room at the home I had built for "us." It was MY blood, sweat, and tears that went into making this home, I thought to myself. At that moment, I knew I'd be damned if I allowed this to continue. I would never want this for my daughters, so why am I endorsing it for myself?
As he proceeded to punch the wall, it was as if the three years preceeding the fight flashed before my eyes. I pictured myself laying on the ground in shock like years before... but this time, it was my child crying beside me. "He's got to go," I whispered to myself. With tears streaming down my face, my hands shaking, and my body quivering in fear, I opened the front door and with everything in me yelled, "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
A few insults later, he managed to make it out the front door and I hit the floor... in prayer. I was ashamed. Not just because I saw this coming. But because I had been here too many times before. Although I am a different person today. There are still some days where I wish I could go back an avoid all of the pain.. much of which I am still working through today.
So, as part of the healing process, I've created a list of dating advice I'd give my younger self:
Fall in love with yourself first.
Don't spend your days in search of a partner to "complete" you. Discover what makes you SPIRITUALLY, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole first and foremost. Then, when you do meet someone special, ask yourself, "Is this person adding or subtracting from my life" -- "Do they build me up or break me down?" I think Oprah said it best. Don't spend your life searching for the perfect person. Work to make yourself the perfect person for YOU, and then... only then, will "the right person be drawn to you based upon the work that you put out."
[Tweet "First, discover what makes you spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole."]
If someone tells you're they're not good for you, believe them and RUN.
You cannot save everyone! While mending the brokenhearted is practically embedded in your DNA, people are who they are. Some people are going to destroy themselves, no matter how much you try to "help" them. If someone says that they are "no good" for you, or "trouble," take that at face value and run the other way. Just because you are open and capable of love does not mean the one you "want" is ready for love. You will deplete yourself by trying to "heal" this person -- which in the end, will do you more harm than good.
Trust your intuition.
It's trying to protect you! Never stop sharing your love; that's why you were put on this Earth. But sometimes real love means saying goodbye. It takes much more courage to let something go than it does to hold tight -- or try to "fix" it. Letting go doesn't mean you're ignoring the situation. It simply means you're accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, opposition, or desire for control.
[Tweet "Trust your intuition. It's trying to protect you."]
Talk it out!
As difficult as this may be sometimes, do NOT keep your feelings bottled up! People are not mind readers. They should not have to jump through hoops to uncover when and how they have wronged you. Pass on the fit of tears over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and open the floor to a grown-up discussion at an appropriate time in private. Learn how to separate the person from the issue. Be soft on the person but firm on the issue. If you want to find long-term relationship success, you're going to have to learn how to communicate.
Forgive yourself.
Life didn't come with instructions. You are not your mistakes. You are not your struggles. You are here NOW with the power to shape your tomorrow. Take all the time you need to heal. The key to breaking free from your broken self, is baby steps -- taking it one day at a time. Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life. Just because today is painful doesn't mean tomorrow won't be great. You WILL get there.
What advice would you give your younger self? Do share!
Ruu Hawkins is a highly dependent coffee life-form, currently working towards her Master's in this thing called life. When she 's not perfecting her pen game, she's a single mother of two queens who prides herself on being a creative, curly mobbin', couture enthusiast! Chat with her on Twitter @ruubabie.
If you have any personal stories that you'd like to share with the readers of xoNecole, please submit your essays to editor@xonecole.com for a chance to have your voice heard and your story featured!
Lover of tacos and a killer jacket. Keanu Reeves is bae. Mother of two amazingly awesome children. I live by one rule: Don't be a Richard. Follow me on Instagram @truthhawkins.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When it comes to feeding your toddler, it can be either a joy or a challenge, depending on their mood.
Most moms can attest to being held at the will of their child’s everchanging tastes and preferences. While they might love a food item one day, that can quickly change overnight, leaving you to be ready to switch the menu up on a whim.
But lunchtime can still be enjoyable for you and your little one — it’s all about making even the simplest food more playful and creative. Turn hot dogs into edible dogs or sausages into swimming octopuses; even sliced fruits or vegetables can turn into a colorful rainbow with the right finesse.
Lunch Ideas for Toddlers
Presenting your toddler with different textures, colors, and flavors of foods can make mealtime more stimulating and fun, and to help get your creative cooking inspiration going, we’ve provided a few recipes that will get you and your toddler excited about lunchtime!
1. Hot “Dog” Lunch Plate
For a fun hot "dog" lunch plate for your toddler, start by lightly toasting a hot dog bun and cut ¼ of the bun off. With this portion of the bun, place the pieces in half to form a dog’s face and add candy pieces and a blueberry for the eyes and nose.
Cook a chicken or turkey sausage until it's thoroughly heated. Place the sausage inside the bun and add your toddler’s choice of condiments. Serve alongside bite-sized pieces of steamed carrots and cucumber sticks for a balanced and nutritious meal that's sure to please your little one's taste buds!
@heathercoxzzz Kid’s Lunch @heinz_us ketchup #nationalhotdogday #hotdog #funfood #kidslunch #lunch #lunchtime #lunchformykids #kidfood
2. Rainbow Veggie Quesadillas
Create colorful quesadillas using a variety of diced veggies like bell peppers, carrots, and tomatoes. Start by heating a non-stick skillet over medium heat. Lay a tortilla flat in the skillet and sprinkle shredded cheese evenly over one half. Next, invite your toddler to sprinkle diced bell peppers, carrots, and tomatoes on top of the cheese. Fold the tortilla in half and cook until golden brown on both sides, then slice into triangles and serve!
@gleanerskitchen Eat the Rainbow! 🌈🌶🍅🫑🥬 These Colorful Quesadillas are a flavorful way to use up whatever veggies you have in the fridge. Try soft veggies that don’t need a lot of cooking like spinach, tomato, bell pepper and zucchini. Or try it with cooked veggie left overs like squash, carrot, and sweet potatoes. Colorful Quesadillas Via #miharvestofthemonth 8 ounces low-fat cream cheese 1/2 tsp garlic powder 8 whole wheat tortillas 1 cup red pepper, chopped 1/2 cup tomatoes, chopped 1 cup cheddar cheese spinach leaves - 1 cup fresh, (9-ounces frozen, thawed and squeezed dry) cooking spray #snapedworks #gleanerscommunitykitchen #gck #cookingmatters #foodsmarts #eattherainbow #veggierecipes #15minutemeals
3. Mini Cauliflower Pizza
To make mini cauliflower pizza for your toddler, start by preheating your oven to 400°F (200°C). In a food processor, pulse cauliflower florets until they resemble rice. Mix the cauliflower "rice" with grated cheese and an egg, then shape the mixture into small pizza crusts on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.
Bake for 15-20 minutes until golden brown, then top with tomato sauce, shredded cheese, and your toddler's favorite toppings before baking for an additional 5-7 minutes. Enjoy these mini cauliflower pizzas as a nutritious and fun meal for your little one!
@zenatewhat Cauliflower Mini Pizza🍕 Recipe . INGREDIENTS 240g riced cauliflower 1 large egg 1/2 cup bread crumbs 1 tsp mix herbs (I use the mix herbs blend from @littlepalates) INSTRUCTIONS In a bowl, mix together your egg, breadcrumbs riced cauliflower, and mixed herbs until well combined and sticky. (You can add another egg to get your mixture more sticky) On a lined baking sheet, form your mixture into mini pizza crusts.(I use a cookie cutter to get my desired shape) Bake at 400F for 10-15 minutes. Once baked, add your desired toppings (tomato sauce, cheese, etc) and return to the oven for another 2-3 minutes/until cheese is melted. Allow pizza to cool and enjoy! You can store unused cauliflower crusts in the freezer for a later date. . . #zenatewhat #zensplate #blwmeals #blwjourney #babyfoodie #foodbaby #babymealideas #blwrecipes #cauliflowerrecipes #recipevideo #babymeals #cauliflowerpizza #babypizza #cauliflowerthins #yumminmytummy #whatsonmyplate #babyreels #whatbabyeats #blwbreakfast #blwdinner #blwlunch #blwbreakfastideas #momsoftiktok #momsofinsta #boymom💙 #fyp #foryou #viral #toocute
4. Mini Banana Pancake
Make small, bite-sized pancakes on sticks using a pancake mix and adding mashed bananas into the batter. Serve with a side of yogurt or a fruit dipping sauce for added fun.
@chloebeesley7 Mini banana pancakes for my 1 year olds breakfast! #fyp #blwideas #blw #babyledweaning #toddler #1yearold #toddlerfood #toddlersoftiktok #toddlertok
5. Fruity Parfait Cups
Layer Greek yogurt with diced fruits like berries, mangoes, and kiwis in small cups or jars. Top with a sprinkle of granola or crushed graham crackers for added texture. It's a colorful and nutritious treat that toddlers will love to eat with a spoon!
@gariannestable Back To School Series: Parfait Cups🥝🍓🫐🍦 Ingredients: * granola mixed with honey (so it holds firmly together) * greek yogurt mixed with whipped cream (you can omit the whipped cream but it MAKES the flavor in my opinion) * chopped fruits (whatever you like! here I’m using kiwi, peach, strawberry, blueberry & blackberry) Insert liners into muffin tin and begin to layer in your ingredients! When done, pop in the freezer - make sure to cover it. Grab and go for breakfast or a quick snack! Enjoy✨ #backtoschool #backtoschoolrecipes #easyrecipe #parfait #mealprep #fyp
6. Pizza Rolls
Take two slices of mozzarella cheese and place them on a cooking tray with slices of pepperoni on top. Bake at 400 degrees for 5 minutes. Once cooled, add marinara sauce on top and roll into a small wrap. Leave wrapped or slice into small bite-size pieces and serve it up!
@jorimallory Wanted share this simple recipe for any other moms who sometimes struggle with making quick but healthy meals for picky toddlers like me! #pickytoddlerrecipes #healthydinnerrecipes
7. Octopus Sausage Lunchable
Start by holding a sausage sideways and making two lengthwise cuts, creating four 'legs.' Then, rotate the sausage 90 degrees and make two more cuts, resulting in a total of eight 'legs.' Boil or fry the sausage until cooked, then add sesame seeds for eyes and carve out a mouth using a sharp knife. Arrange the octopus sausage on a Lunchable tray with crackers, cheese slices, and fruit for a fun and interactive meal!
@minas_recipe Tako (octopus) Sausage is a sausage cut to look like an octopus 🐙 and is a popular item to put inside a kids bento box in Japan 🇯🇵 I used Japanese sausages since they are shorter in length but you can use any kind of hot dog as long as you cut them in half! Hold the sausage sideways and cut one half of it lengthwise (not all the way). Turn the sausage over 90 degrees and slice again. Now the sausage has 4 ‘legs’. Cut again between the slits so that you have a total of 8 ‘legs’. You can either boil or fry the hot dogs. Add sesame seeds for the eyes and carve out a mouth using a sharp knife! Enjoy 🐙✨ #foodtok #recipe #toddlerlunchideas #タコウィンナー
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by kate_sept2004/Getty Images