5 Pieces Of Dating Advice I Wish I Could Give My Younger Self!
In 2011 -- a year following my divorce, I met a young man who I felt could mend my heart.
He was tall, dark, handsome, well spoken and well liked -- everything a girl could dream of on paper. In the beginning there was light, a light of hope for a new love. But as time went by, the relationship spun into darkness. Whether it was the dish I cooked, shirt I picked out, or the way I answered him, it was as if nothing I did was good enough. In fact, his dissatisfaction only made me want to work harder and do more to please.
I recall times when he'd squeeze my wrist a little too hard in public as a warning, leaving bruises -- but it was my fault because I was fragile or bruised "easily." Or the time he dislocated my shoulder and I had to lie to my child because I didn't want her to worry. Each time letting him come back because he appeared to be remorseful and willing to change. But that was only the beginning.
In 2012, I faced an unplanned pregnancy. I had just lost my job and I was struggling to pay the rent. To top it off, the father of my child had given me an ultimatum (as he was "not ready" to be a father)... it was "him or the baby." So, as you can imagine, I was struggling with the decision of bringing a beautiful new babe into my chaotic world. After all, I was already a single mother with one divorce under my belt, living check to check -- now couch surfing, all the while awaiting the big day. I felt as if the weight of the world was sitting on my shoulders -- better yet, my chest!
Although I told my ex where he could put his ultimatum, he came back around to see our child's birth. And while my gut told me to "RUN" in the other direction, I took him back out of fear. Fear of what I thought would be failing yet another child. "You can't do this alone," he said. "You need me," he said. I believed him. For a few months, things appeared to be different. Until the pressure of fatherhood began to sink in. Then the drinking, cheating, lying, and abuse began to resurface.
Oddly enough, it took one fight (like so many before) to get me to LOOK UP. "You don't do sh*t for your kids," he said. "I don't even want to be here but now we have this baby." -- "I gave you an ultimatum but I'm still here. So why wouldn't you want to make it work?" he continued. As if he was doing me a favor.
Holding my baby close, I quickly scanned the room at the home I had built for "us." It was MY blood, sweat, and tears that went into making this home, I thought to myself. At that moment, I knew I'd be damned if I allowed this to continue. I would never want this for my daughters, so why am I endorsing it for myself?
As he proceeded to punch the wall, it was as if the three years preceeding the fight flashed before my eyes. I pictured myself laying on the ground in shock like years before... but this time, it was my child crying beside me. "He's got to go," I whispered to myself. With tears streaming down my face, my hands shaking, and my body quivering in fear, I opened the front door and with everything in me yelled, "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
A few insults later, he managed to make it out the front door and I hit the floor... in prayer. I was ashamed. Not just because I saw this coming. But because I had been here too many times before. Although I am a different person today. There are still some days where I wish I could go back an avoid all of the pain.. much of which I am still working through today.
So, as part of the healing process, I've created a list of dating advice I'd give my younger self:
Fall in love with yourself first.
Don't spend your days in search of a partner to "complete" you. Discover what makes you SPIRITUALLY, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole first and foremost. Then, when you do meet someone special, ask yourself, "Is this person adding or subtracting from my life" -- "Do they build me up or break me down?" I think Oprah said it best. Don't spend your life searching for the perfect person. Work to make yourself the perfect person for YOU, and then... only then, will "the right person be drawn to you based upon the work that you put out."
[Tweet "First, discover what makes you spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and physically whole."]
If someone tells you're they're not good for you, believe them and RUN.
You cannot save everyone! While mending the brokenhearted is practically embedded in your DNA, people are who they are. Some people are going to destroy themselves, no matter how much you try to "help" them. If someone says that they are "no good" for you, or "trouble," take that at face value and run the other way. Just because you are open and capable of love does not mean the one you "want" is ready for love. You will deplete yourself by trying to "heal" this person -- which in the end, will do you more harm than good.
Trust your intuition.
It's trying to protect you! Never stop sharing your love; that's why you were put on this Earth. But sometimes real love means saying goodbye. It takes much more courage to let something go than it does to hold tight -- or try to "fix" it. Letting go doesn't mean you're ignoring the situation. It simply means you're accepting what is, exactly as it is, without fear, opposition, or desire for control.
[Tweet "Trust your intuition. It's trying to protect you."]
Talk it out!
As difficult as this may be sometimes, do NOT keep your feelings bottled up! People are not mind readers. They should not have to jump through hoops to uncover when and how they have wronged you. Pass on the fit of tears over dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and open the floor to a grown-up discussion at an appropriate time in private. Learn how to separate the person from the issue. Be soft on the person but firm on the issue. If you want to find long-term relationship success, you're going to have to learn how to communicate.
Forgive yourself.
Life didn't come with instructions. You are not your mistakes. You are not your struggles. You are here NOW with the power to shape your tomorrow. Take all the time you need to heal. The key to breaking free from your broken self, is baby steps -- taking it one day at a time. Never let a bad day make you feel like you have a bad life. Just because today is painful doesn't mean tomorrow won't be great. You WILL get there.
What advice would you give your younger self? Do share!
Ruu Hawkins is a highly dependent coffee life-form, currently working towards her Master's in this thing called life. When she 's not perfecting her pen game, she's a single mother of two queens who prides herself on being a creative, curly mobbin', couture enthusiast! Chat with her on Twitter @ruubabie.
If you have any personal stories that you'd like to share with the readers of xoNecole, please submit your essays to editor@xonecole.com for a chance to have your voice heard and your story featured!
Lover of tacos and a killer jacket. Keanu Reeves is bae. Mother of two amazingly awesome children. I live by one rule: Don't be a Richard. Follow me on Instagram @truthhawkins.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Some Signs Your Casual Relationship Is Getting Serious
In this modern era, establishing romantic connections has become increasingly challenging. From knowing what to say on the first date to knowing when to make things official, the rules have changed and this ain’t the same dating game that led to our parents falling in love and starting a family.
Because times are hard and dating is harder, we had to look to an expert to help us understand when that casual fling becomes something serious. So we chatted with Karina F. Daves, a relationship coach who has made it her mission to teach women how to enjoy more satisfying partnerships.
As a relationship coach, Daves leverages her experience as a former social worker and adjunct professor of women’s studies to teach women how to strategically evaluate their personal identity, values, and standards so that they can elevate their relationships and themselves.
She tells xoNecole, “You should not be with somebody for their potential. The key is being with somebody for their patterns. Instead of looking at it as one specific milestone, look at it as there are multiple patterns at which this person is showing you what role they want to play, what their values are.”
"You should not be with somebody for their potential. The key is being with somebody for their patterns."
Daves’ work has amassed more than 240,000 followers across her social media platforms, and her videos have reached close to 25 million and half a million alone this month.
According to the relationship coach, some key indicators that a relationship is going from casual to serious are:
“You talk about it going to a serious level, and you talk about intentions. Intentions are very clear in a relationship that is serious. At this point, you intend to date each other either for fun or you're dating for marriage. This is something that is very comfortably talked about.” She adds, “You enter each other's worlds fully. This means that you meet people in each other's world, but you also become part of their routine. You're not a task that they have to do, you are just a normal part of their day-to-day life."
“You're not a task that they have to do, you are just a normal part of their day-to-day life.”
In terms of how partners can communicate effectively about their expectations and intentions as a relationship becomes more serious, Daves shares:
“You will want to become serious by being vulnerable and having this conversation. Before the actual communication part occurs, you have to identify what it is that you want this relationship to be. What is it that you want out of a future partnership?”
Daves emphasizes the need for clear communication and suggests doing away with the potential you see in the person and instead focusing on what you want in love. "This is an opportunity for that person to say that's not who they are and that they can't give you that."
"Relationships should also be fun. We do not want to forget that these conversations can be serious, but also a source of fun and joy. They do not need to feel heavy. If you see that they are joyful, this can be a good indicator of what the rest of the relationship would be like when you're getting ready to have serious conversations," Daves concludes.
We know that specific milestones or stages in a relationship can help signify its deepening commitment; Daves has these tips for navigating these transitions:
Introducing one another to each other's worlds can be a big indicator that the relationship you share is getting serious. "When you start meeting each other’s friends and families, this is a big milestone and a vulnerable place to be." Another sign that things are getting serious is openly professing the "L" word. "Communication is significant as far as proclaiming that you love your partner. These are really big milestones that shouldn't be forced."
Speaking of communication, Daves adds that “another big indicator is how you overcome your first moment of misalignment. This is a huge indicator of the rest of the triumphs that you will face. Were you both open? Did you both feel safe sharing? Did you respect each other's point of view? How did you resolve the issue?”
"Communication is significant as far as proclaiming that you love your partner. These are really big milestones that shouldn't be forced."
Lastly, Daves suggests assessing one another's level of emotional investment:
One of the ways Daves suggests we assess the level of emotional investment is by doing a simple activity called “eggs in a basket.”
This activity involves discussing important and valued aspects of a relationship. Daves explains, “The way to assess the level of emotional investment is to test their heart posture. 'Heart posture' is referring to where their heart stands when it comes to this relationship and how it logically has made sense of it all.”
In those instances, ask each other the following questions:
- Do you feel clear about our intentions and where our relationship is going?
- Do you see me as a life partner?
- Are we past potentially seeing us together to understand each other's patterns and choosing to make that commitment?
- Are we a part of our life’s plan?
- Do you still have individual goals?
“This isn’t just about seeing their investment in the relationship but also how they’re choosing to invest in themselves as people. You don’t want a partner that will lose themselves in the relationship because you won’t have a partner anymore, you’ll have someone to parent,” Daves said.
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Featured image by xavierarnau/Getty Images