SZA's 'Ctrl': An Unfinished Diary For The Lost 20-Something Girl In You
Unpopular opinion time.
At first listen, I wasn't vibing as hard to SZA's debut studio album, Ctrl, as much as my black millennial counterparts. I found it vapid, lost, OTT at points, underwritten in others. There was an overarching theme of being lost. Or perhaps, the 14-track LP played in its 49-minute span like a downward, and then upward self-deprecating spiral.
Leave me lonely for prettier women
You know I need too much attention
I don't see myself
Why I can't stay alone just by myself
I had been entranced by SZA's magic long before the infectious empowering hook, "I gotta do things my own way, darling."
I was drawn to her back in "Babylon" and found true love when I came across her "Teen Spirit." There was something undeniable about the way she put together words, looped metaphors, and did it in a voice that dripped with euphoric highs.
She penetrated.
Her debut EP Z was perfect from beginning to end, but while there was undeniable magic in Z, I'm learning that that was very much SZA, the edit.
It wasn't the real her.
It wasn't as transparent.
It didn't say things so plainly, so brash, so flawed.
It was a filter.
Perhaps that's why Z brought me comfort, whereas Ctrl terrified me.
After my first listen, I was happy to remove it from Apple Music. Shortly afterward, I had a conversation with someone who challenged my thoughts and so I decided to give it two more listens.
I get so lonely, I forget what I'm worth
We get so lonely, we pretend that this works
I'm so ashamed of myself think I need therapy
There, I vibed.
It vibed.
I felt it in a different way those times.
I understood her.
But more than that, I understood me.
How you want me when you got a girl?
The feelin' is wreckless
Of knowin' you're selfish
Knowin' I'm desperate
I was working so hard to leave behind the girl SZA eloquently described in “Love Galore" for “The Weekend" and was trying to transition into that “20 Something" woman who was all about the messy art of becoming and understanding that she knew better.
How could it be?
20 something, all alone still
Not a thing in my name
Ain't got nothin', runnin' from love
Only know fear That's me, Ms. 20 Something
I was so focused on the present that I didn't want these lyrics and her transparency to unearth wounds I'd work so hard to heal, demons I worked to exorcise, and mistakes I knew full well I had been making.
Like her, sex was something I used to fill a void for a long time.
That damned honey pot nestled in between my thighs attracted bees that were undeserving of my nectar.
I gave it away like it was nothing, like I was nothing. I liked that it was a place where I could indulge in emotional release and at times, it painted pictures for me and wove happy endings that weren't really there when we were fully clothed. That was before I took my power back.
Done with these n-ggas
I don't love these n-ggas
I dust off these n-ggas
Do it for fun
I've worked so hard to find this woman underneath the self-imposed inadequacies and doubt. My sense of self was anchored in others' ability or willingness to love me, instead of me taking control and finding security in the fact that I can love me better because I know me best. And I didn't want to recall a time where I ever felt powerless.
In order to feel the Ctrl that my peers had, I had to ironically relinquish my own.
My past is a part of me, but it doesn't define me.
What I've learned from immersing myself in this album is that it is not a bad thing to look back at our pasts. The past is the past for a reason. I listen to the memories and think of my experiences like I would rereading a finished diary. I no longer run from the things I've endured or turn away from the loveless lessons that have come to shape me.
I wouldn't be the woman I am in the present if it weren't for my past. So, I treat the past like a visitor. It is welcomed and comes and goes, but never stays for long. The journey to healing is a lengthy and arduous one. Feeling lost along the way is completely normal. Find beauty in the process.
Find beauty in being lost.
Real n-ggas do not deserve p-ssy
Suffice to say, I love Ctrl now.
Especially “Doves In The Wind." That's my shit for obvious reasons.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images