5 Crucial Financial Questions You Should Be Asking Your Partner Before Marriage
Do you have more deal breakers than you do deal makers when it comes to your relationships?
We often talk about dating potential, but for many of us, we substitute red flags early on for hope that falls into the should've/would've/could'ves, ultimately leading to larger issues that are detrimental to the relationship in the long run. While some factors contribute to us turning a blind eye, like clinginess, regular communication with an ex, and a combative attitude, other things are considered definitive turn-offs when it comes to dating. We get into the nitty-gritty when it comes to sex, as it's one of the most named determinants that turn both men and women off when not done right, but what about something we all have to deal with, but don't like to delve too much into?
Money.
In a new report, GOBankingRates administered a Google Consumer Survey for all 50 states and Washington D.C. where adults were asked to choose their biggest financial deal breaker. Categorized into six divisions–one party doesn't bring into sufficient income, overspending, poor credit, being secretive about finances, one party being too cheap, and having excessive debt. The results?
Residents in half of the states said that overspending would be their biggest deal breaker. This answer is followed by being secretive about finances, which residents of 19 states and the District chose as a top deal breaker, and too much debt, which was selected as the biggest deal breaker in 12 states. Lastly, for residents of just one state (New Hampshire), poor credit is the biggest financial red flag in a relationship.
In states where residents live paycheck-to-paycheck (Hawaii, California, and New York make the top 3), it's easy to see why a partner who overspends is noted as the top financial deal breaker, whereas states like Kansas, Mississippi, and New Jersey where residents are faced with the highest rates of poverty, have the lowest levels of financial knowledge, the largest credit card debts, and the highest rates of households that live beyond their means, avoid getting into a relationship where the person has too much debt to handle.
If you don't believe these things aren't of any significance in a relationship, guess again, with research showing disputes over finances oftentimes lead to breakups and divorce.
Sonya Britt, a Kansas State University researcher concluded that “arguments about money [are] by far the top predictor of divorce. It is not children, sex, in-laws, or anything else. It's money–for both men and women." That comes as a surprise to me, but money is so much of a big deal in relationships, that financial infidelity is actually a term used to describe couples who aren't forthright about their finances.
Time reports that 22% of husbands and wives have made purchases they didn't want their partner to know about; 35% of those who hid purchases kept quiet to avoid a lecture, and CreditCards.com conducted a survey that found 1 in 5 couples commit financial infidelity, with 6% of Americans (or 7 million out of 120) have a secret bank account or credit card that their spouse or partner isn't aware of. Out of those surveyed, here's what was found:
That number is heavily skewed toward men, with 26% of males reporting a hidden major purchase compared with only 14% of females. But it's not necessarily because men are more dishonest. A previous study showed they're simply more likely to make large impulse purchases than women, meaning guys may just be a little more freer with funds...a surprisingly high number of men–31%–are okay with their partners dropping more than half a grand without notice. Only 18% of women said the same.
Over the course of 11 years in my relationship, I can easily say disagreements on finances have been the most challenging, with me struggling with student loan debt, garnishment of my work wages and income taxes, to say the very least. Every little dime counts and having to scrape pennies together to make ends meet, while being involved with a man who wasn't the breadwinner, definitely added to an insurmountable level of stress in my home.
Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage, suggests something I wish I would have asked at the very beginning–or at least something my partner should have asked me–in order to ensure we were on the same wavelength when it came to money before life coached us in the right direction.
Crucial Questions To Ask A Potential Partner Before Marriage:
- What kind and amount of debt would each partner carry into the relationship?
- How will the debt be dealt with as legal partners?
- Once you are partners in finance, what are your positions regarding how much debt is acceptable?
- How many credit cards do you have in use?
- Will you pool all your money together or have any separate accounts? What amount of savings do you each regard as acceptable?
There's even a financial compatibility test you should take to determine if you and your significant other are a money match. Living a financially double life affects both of parties. In an article for The Guardian, one writer accurately states what all couples should be asking before choosing to settle down.
You may need to decide if you can live with your partner's bad habits or not. Living with secrets, however, is another matter altogether...When you decide that you're going to combine your lives, talk openly about what it means to combine your finances.
Don Grant, a financial advisor at Carey, Thomas, Hoover & Breault Investments, goes on to say that he believes “a reason that these problems arise is that for so many years, we are independent and make our own money decisions," making it “hard for many of us to acknowledge that anyone else has a right to a say over that."
I wanted to pick the brains of three women to get their thoughts on how just how important are finances to them, how it affects their personal relationships and financial deal breakers. Check out their thoughts below.
I believe the right time to discuss finances and credit with your significant other is when you two start talking about moving in together, having children or getting married. It's incredibly important for me to know my significant other knows how to effectively manage his money now. But when he and I got together (I was 21, he was 19), I wasn't that smart. I wasn't thinking about anything like that. I was more concerned with who I had the most fun with, who made me laugh, who was good in bed, etc. We have both grown and made money management a priority, but only after suffering and making so many mistakes over the years. If I were single now, I wouldn't get serious with someone who refused to be candid with me about overspending, poor credit, or debt. Communication and growth are just way too important to me and if we can't know honestly where each other is financially, then how are we going to grow together? So, dishonesty and repeated recklessness are financial deal breakers for me. We all make mistakes, but making no effort to grow is a deal breaker. -
I had a bank account; he didn't. We kept a small hat and when he got a paycheck, in the hat it went. When I got mine, same deal. It was always our money. If I needed something, I would let him know and vice versa. We were very open about how much we made and if I found an extra dollar somewhere, it was ours.
I'm not sure how we got to that point, but we were always very open with everything else, so money was just another thing. He was nervous about getting a bank account because it was so easy to click opposed to actually getting the money out of your wallet and handing it over. This method helped us prioritize and I'm a frugal at heart, so I was glad with that decision. I still had my bank account, but we would literally put enough to pay bills once a month and let it rock with a minimum balance until the next cycle of bills.- GG Renee Hill
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Last summer I left my job and we were back to the broke pair. My bank account was nil and the money we did get from his job was just enough for survival–nothing else. It was rough because our relationship suffered. I blamed him for not being man enough to sustain his family; he blamed me for the same. It was hard to see ourselves growing apart, but we understood that money was the issue.
We knew what had to be done, but had no way to fix it. We couldn't have conversations about it because it was that hard not to point the blame. Eventually when I started working again, in December, we had the sit down. I told him we needed our financial life together and I was recently reading articles about it being possible. He told me he just wants to save–saving for us to build our credit and saving for us to create a bed for Ryder. I watched my parents lose a lot without good credit and I barely made it into my apartment because of it and I needed that to change. We're on a road to financial recovery with a method of saving.
What was really important for us to keep in mind was that we needed to be on the same page. It is always a team effort and even when one is making more than the other, it's crucial to remember that teams win- solo acts don't. If we work together, we can learn how to build our finances together.- Stella
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My husband and I met in college. We were both poor and both eagerly anticipating finishing school, graduate study and beginning our careers. The first few years, money was never discussed and when we moved in together, we realized that we should have been talking about it all along. I lucked out with him because when we began discussing finances, my husband was very knowledgable about credit and mortgages and basic household finances. Since my father was a CPA, I would call on him to give us basic advice about beginning to save and what steps we should be taking as young professionals, but I only asked for advice–I never disclosed details about the money in my home (never do that, keep your business in your house).
However, it was not always easy. Student loan debt, credit card debt from having to have a dream wedding, first job salaries, bills, all make saving extremely difficult, but it makes it easier when you marry a man who can be honest about his finances. We decided to have a joint savings account and separate checking accounts and thus far, money is never a concern because we contribute what we are supposed to and pay bills as a unit. If I could do it all over again, I would have discussed saving and financial goals from day one because not everyone is blessed enough to avoid that conversation and still work out.- Brittany
How do you approach the conversation on credit and what are some of your own financial deal breakers? Weigh in in the comment section below!
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy