I Have An Insatiable Appetite For Sex
If you were to ask me how many times a day I thought about sex, I wouldn't have a concrete answer for you.
Whether it is deemed normal or appropriate no longer bothers me. It's about what makes me happy, and if I'm being perfectly honest, sex makes me insanely happy. It could be the thrill of the chase, the challenge of riding the waves until the surrender of an orgasm, or the orgasm itself, but sex is an amazing, intimate endeavor that I am in love with and I am not ashamed to admit it.
I've always known I had a burning fascination with sex, beginning at the tender age of six. I would draw pictures of what I wanted my naked body to look like and send it to the boy who was the object of my affection. I saw a penis for the first time around that time. My childhood friend Hiram and I were being babysat by a woman infatuated with soap operas. One afternoon while she slept in front of her TV set in the lounge, we disappeared into a spare bedroom and tried to replicate what we saw so many times before on the TV screen.
We took off our clothes and just sort of stared at each other. "Where was the rest of mine?" I wondered foolishly as I looked at myself in comparison to what was his. We were children, but it fascinates me now as an adult that we could have such curiosities back then. Or maybe it was just me and my faulty wiring. I wouldn't lose my virginity until I was 17, but I found healthy ways to fulfill my inner desires in the meantime, whether it be a pillow or vibrator. I learned my best lessons through pornography, finessed them with the lovemaking I experienced with my first, and have harnessed my power from soul to soul since becoming liberated from that relationship.
I've always had a thirst. And I've learned to never deny it.
It never really stuck out to me just how different that made me until I was older and single. I identified the fine line where my sexuality and ravenous appetite would be marveled as a thing of beauty, and where it would have me ridiculed or the object of intimidation to a man because “if I was like this" for him, "I was like this for everybody." Those men who fell victim to their insecurities fail to realize that just because I am a sexual person does not mean that I can't be monogamous, that I can't know intimacy, that I can't know loyalty, or that recklessness is my middle name – but it begged questions of where I was when I didn't answer phone calls at night because the men I allowed into my body knew how much I craved that feeling of being filled always. “She's gotta have it, so she can't just be f-cking with me."
Your insecurity has nothing to do with me.
It never ceases to amaze me, even now, how something as beautiful as a woman being confident in herself, in her body, in the power of her sex could be twisted into something dark, something shameful, something dirty.
For a long time, I was blinded to its beauty because of that. I felt like I had to answer to society before I answered to myself and allowed parts of me to be hidden because I was afraid of what would happen if I let that truth out.
My insecurity had nothing to do with you.
I allowed myself to feel like there was something wrong with me to just want sex from a man. Did I not deem myself worthy of deserving more? Did I think so lowly of myself to feel like I should be just a body and no heart or soul? I was looking at myself through society's lens and not speaking to myself enough. Why look at myself from a lens of lacking when I know exactly who I am and what I want? My insecurity had nothing to do with them. It had to do with what I was always guilty of doing, allowing others to shape how I felt about me. The amount of malice that laced my ex's words when he told me I was “sex-crazed" during a heated argument, the accusations, and assumptions—those things were dictating how I felt about myself and turning something beautiful into something ugly.
To me, owning my sexuality means owning my power as a woman, and what makes me feel like a woman.
To me, there is beauty in the essence of that possession.
There is an unfair assumption that just because you find joy in sex without the title of “long-term relationship" or “boyfriend/girlfriend" that you have a low value on yourself, but I view it as the exact opposite. I think you know what you want. I think you put yourself and your orgasm first, and what's more beautiful than that? I've learned that women will either love you or hate you for that, and that men will love you and hate you for those reasons, too. But I'm tired of people telling me what a woman should be. Who, what, and how I should be. Define yourself for yourself. Do what you want to do. And in that same breath, do whomever it is you want to do.
If I want sex, I will look through the contacts in my phone and pick the guy I want and send him a text inviting him to share a space with me because I want it.
I love my thirst for it.
I love my hunger.
I love the way certain words act as triggers and send a chill down my spine and make the walls of my core spasm out of sheer anticipation.
I love how aroused I get from kisses on the back of my neck.
I love the way being entered feels like home to me.
Feels like arrival. I love that once our bodies have finished meeting, I am up for another round immediately after. I love how often my mind wanders to it day in and day out. I love the “it's yours" that spills from his lips when I've found the right spot.
I'm me. I'm straightforward and blunt.
I love sex almost as deeply as I am in love with love.
I love owning the aspects of me that make me full and complete. And if that isn't a thing of beauty, I don't know what is.
Originally published on Self-ish Diaries
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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