I have a confession to make: I have a deep fear of being happy.
Obtaining happiness is something that I have been dreaming of all of my life, but do not know how to keep it once I receive it.
Throughout my life, I have suffered through major hardships. When I was nine, my brother was murdered and within a year later, my father passed away due to kidney failure and other health issues. After those two ordeals alone, I was struggling with severe depression in my pre-teens and teenage years. It was extremely difficult for me to find happiness due to me not seeking therapy for the losses I had in my childhood. What put the icing on the cake was losing one of my best friends due to police brutality when I was 16. My friend's death brought in a new perspective to my prolonged sadness—I need to appreciate life.
Life is such a precious gift and I should cherish every moment of my life by living the way I want and having peace, love and happiness. This led me to go on a happiness journey at 18. I was determined to let go of my depression and to find true happiness and fulfillment in life. I broke up with my high school sweetheart because we grew apart and the person I fell in love with was no longer the guy I was dating.
[Tweet "I knew I deserved something more than mediocre love. "]
I went to a university in a small town and I strived to follow my dreams regardless of my family's lack of support. Fast forward to five years later, I am a college graduate, working from home as a freelance fashion and beauty writer, have an amazing boyfriend, and have my family and friends' support. My life has not been this awesome in a long time, yet I still search for problems in my life. I look for issues because I never had long-term happiness, and I'm scared to lose this blissful joy.
I find myself investigating my intimate relationship with my boyfriend as well as friendships in my life from time to time due to my fear of being happy. I would snoop through my boyfriend's phone to read his text messages and to check his call log to find a small reason to pick a fight. When my boyfriend would not answer my call or text, I would over analyze things and imagine the worst. He never gave me a reason not to trust him, yet I questioned things in our relationship quite often.
With my friends, I did not call or text them unless they hit me up first. I avoided the feeling of rejection from my friends by not communication first and it took a toll on my previous friendships. Also, as soon as a friend hurt my feelings once, I withdraw from the relationship slowly without trying to work it out. In the past, I boasted on having a rather strong cut off game when it came to friendships and I am ashamed of that now. I knew that doing these things were wrong, but I continued to act on them. There’s a little voice in my head that tells me that I won’t have this blissful feeling forever, and sometimes I let it overtake me. My fear of being happy has taught me that my struggle with depression may be a life-long battle, but I cannot let it control my life. I am always searching for a solution for this horrid pattern.
I found guidance in a quote that I found while browsing Pinterest on a random day.
[Tweet "There's got to be rain in your life, to appreciate the sunshine"]
This quote defines my current view on happiness. I understand that I will not be happy everyday and that it is normal to not always have a good day. However, I cannot let my sadness last forever due to insecurity and negative thoughts. I am taking my changing perspective on happiness day-by-day. I am proud of myself for admitting my issue and seeking guidance to pursue a better, healthier lifestyle.
I do not know what the future holds for me, but I pray and strive for happiness everyday. My happiness comes before everything and yours should too.
What are you doing to maintain your happiness?
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To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
Courtesy
I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
Courtesy
That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
Courtesy
So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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