Confession: I Am Afraid Of Being Happy
I have a confession to make: I have a deep fear of being happy.
Obtaining happiness is something that I have been dreaming of all of my life, but do not know how to keep it once I receive it.
Throughout my life, I have suffered through major hardships. When I was nine, my brother was murdered and within a year later, my father passed away due to kidney failure and other health issues. After those two ordeals alone, I was struggling with severe depression in my pre-teens and teenage years. It was extremely difficult for me to find happiness due to me not seeking therapy for the losses I had in my childhood. What put the icing on the cake was losing one of my best friends due to police brutality when I was 16. My friend's death brought in a new perspective to my prolonged sadness—I need to appreciate life.
Life is such a precious gift and I should cherish every moment of my life by living the way I want and having peace, love and happiness. This led me to go on a happiness journey at 18. I was determined to let go of my depression and to find true happiness and fulfillment in life. I broke up with my high school sweetheart because we grew apart and the person I fell in love with was no longer the guy I was dating.
[Tweet "I knew I deserved something more than mediocre love. "]
I went to a university in a small town and I strived to follow my dreams regardless of my family's lack of support. Fast forward to five years later, I am a college graduate, working from home as a freelance fashion and beauty writer, have an amazing boyfriend, and have my family and friends' support. My life has not been this awesome in a long time, yet I still search for problems in my life. I look for issues because I never had long-term happiness, and I'm scared to lose this blissful joy.
I find myself investigating my intimate relationship with my boyfriend as well as friendships in my life from time to time due to my fear of being happy. I would snoop through my boyfriend's phone to read his text messages and to check his call log to find a small reason to pick a fight. When my boyfriend would not answer my call or text, I would over analyze things and imagine the worst. He never gave me a reason not to trust him, yet I questioned things in our relationship quite often.
With my friends, I did not call or text them unless they hit me up first. I avoided the feeling of rejection from my friends by not communication first and it took a toll on my previous friendships. Also, as soon as a friend hurt my feelings once, I withdraw from the relationship slowly without trying to work it out. In the past, I boasted on having a rather strong cut off game when it came to friendships and I am ashamed of that now. I knew that doing these things were wrong, but I continued to act on them. There’s a little voice in my head that tells me that I won’t have this blissful feeling forever, and sometimes I let it overtake me. My fear of being happy has taught me that my struggle with depression may be a life-long battle, but I cannot let it control my life. I am always searching for a solution for this horrid pattern.
I found guidance in a quote that I found while browsing Pinterest on a random day.
[Tweet "There's got to be rain in your life, to appreciate the sunshine"]
This quote defines my current view on happiness. I understand that I will not be happy everyday and that it is normal to not always have a good day. However, I cannot let my sadness last forever due to insecurity and negative thoughts. I am taking my changing perspective on happiness day-by-day. I am proud of myself for admitting my issue and seeking guidance to pursue a better, healthier lifestyle.
I do not know what the future holds for me, but I pray and strive for happiness everyday. My happiness comes before everything and yours should too.
What are you doing to maintain your happiness?
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Tyler James Williams Explains Why His And Quinta Brunson 'Abbott Elementary' Characters Should Remain Friends
While Abbott Elementary fans are hoping that Janine and Gregory end up together, the show’s star has another take. Tyler James Williams plays Gregory on the Emmy award-winning sitcom, and he recently stopped by The Jennifer Hudson Show to share his point of view on his storyline with Janine, which Quinta Brunson plays.
“I hate to say it. I know that everybody’s always mad at me for this. I don’t necessarily want to see them together,” he revealed. “It’s partially an actor’s choice, but also somebody who, like, I read a lot of scripts all the time. I watch a lot of TV, a lot of film. I don’t think that we see displays of platonic love between two people often. I think it’s really easy to go right to they have feelings for each other, therefore they should be together. I like this dynamic of exploring withholding that and just actively loving each other where they are. That I like to see more.”
If you recall, they were co-workers who became friends but were secretly crushing on each other. They’ve had many awkward run-ins during and after school, like the unforgettable club scene where they were dancing nervously with each other in season one, and in season two, they finally kiss. However, it only made things even more awkward, and they decided to just be friends. Tyler further explained why he thinks it’s important to showcase that type of relationship on screen.
“I think it’s time for that. I think TV allows people to see things that could be their lives for the first time, and I think seeing a healthy friendship that is deeply caring about one another in a work atmosphere needs to be shown more than the relationship,” he concluded.
Abbott Elementary comes on every Wednesday at 9 p.m. EST on ABC.
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Feature image by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images