Communication Is Key: 5 Ways To Get Him To Open Up More
We often hear and talk about men who don't listen to their women, but how often do we talk about men opening up to their women and those who struggle with it? This actually came up in a discussion between my husband (Eric) and myself the other night. He told me, “Babe, you really helped me open up more and you make me feel comfortable talking to you."
I thought for a second…really? I helped Eric open up more? Don't get me wrong, my husband loves to talk because of his background and what he does for a living, but in that moment I remembered there was a time when he didn't openly communicate about certain things as much as he does now.
Whether they'll admit or not, men want and need to express themselves, and believe it or not, they are vulnerable (not to be confused with weak), especially when it comes to their wife or their girlfriend. But what is a girl to do if her man doesn't open up as much? Here's what I have found has worked for us as well as some observations and my personal experiences. Although specifically related to men, much of it applies to women as well – both sides.
Be respectful.
Lack of respect can easily lead to lack of communication. You want to get your man to open up more? Show him how much you respect him. Eric told me the other night that one of the reasons why it's easy for him to open up to me is because he knows I respect him. Not only do we show respect in what we say, but it's also about creating an atmosphere of adoration whether at home or in public. So, if that means I have to be quiet at times or wait to discuss an issue even though I want to go off at the moment, then I will do it. If that means going above and beyond to handle a certain situation or removing certain people from my life who don't respect me or my husband as they should (and that has happened), then so be it.
[Tweet " When it comes to respect there are three key components: adoration, appreciation and affection."]
When it comes to respect, I think of three key components: adoration, appreciation and affection. I understand how important it is to my man, so I make it my business to respect him as much as I can and even apologize when I slip up. Besides, the last thing I want is to have someone outside of our marriage giving him more respect than I do within our marriage.
Be open to different methods of communication.
There's a saying that perfectly describes communication: “It's not always what you say, but how you say it." I would go even further to say it's also the medium in which it's delivered (i.e., face to face, hand-written, text messages, greeting card, email, etc.). I remember the days when men and women wrote love letters or even apology letters to each other, and we talked more than we texted. I can also admit at times technology can ruin the intent of what's being said and can cause one to revert back to the “ol' skool" ways of communicating. Because Eric has moments when he can communicate more effectively in writing, he will do that instead. There have been plenty of days when I woke up with a love letter, poem or even an apology letter sitting next to my computer. Then, there are days when it's easier for him to communicate with me via text and I'm fine with that. It all just depends on the timing and what's being said. Either way, it's okay to change it up. I'm open to whatever makes him feel the most comfortable at the time. I encourage it and I welcome it.
Don't be judgmental.
When it comes to what Eric and I talk about, there's really nothing off limits. We already know so much about each other's past as well as our current struggles. Hence, we don't have room to judge each other because we know both of us have done some “not so great" things in our past. I have learned to accept my husband for who he is, and he definitely accepts me for who I am, which in turn makes him comfortable and more willing to share things with me. Besides divine intervention and the “opposites attract" idea, how else could a “type A" personality and a creative person fit so well together if we didn't accept each other – flaws and all? It's kind of like when we talk to our girlfriends and we start the conversation off with, “Okay don't judge me but…" and then we proceed to tell our stories. Although we may not agree, we can still listen intently and not force our opinions or judgment on them. The same is true when it comes to our men when they come and talk to us. I want to be my husband's number one fan, not his number one critic.
Be supportive and ask questions.
A quick and easy way to gauge how supportive and encouraging I am towards my man is to ask myself: “What are the first few words or sentences I say to him when he comes home after work," or “What do I say to him when I first see or talk to him after a long's day of work?" I can admit…there have been days when Eric has walked through the door, or even received a text on the way home, and was greeted with, “Why did you…" instead of “How are you?" Whether he's an entrepreneur, works a blue collar or white collar job, no one wants to come home to somebody who starts off the conversation with demands, complaints, let alone a dismal greeting. I'm much more mindful of this and now he can usually expect: “Hey, babe. How was your day?" It's a simple phrase that can tell you a lot and help him open up.
[Tweet "No one wants to come home to somebody who starts off the conversation with demands or complaints."]
I feel it's important for me as his wife to create an atmosphere of love and kindness; a place where he looks forward coming home to each and everyday. There's a wonderful verse in Proverbs 21:9 that says: “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." With all that our men have to deal with or have to be cautious of on a regular basis, we can't afford to stir up disorder and confusion in our household (and same for him). That's not to say that we won't have arguments and disagreements because that definitely happens. That's life. However, my goal is to make it so that if and when he does run into issues and certain situations, he can run home to me knowing I'll be there to help and listen to him.
Be Patient.
As a woman, I rarely find it difficult to express what I'm feeling whether it's through my words, facial expressions or even body language. Eric and I have been together for so long now that it only takes but a minute or so for him to determine what I'm feeling at the moment even if I try my best to deny it. With him, however, that's not always the case. Together, as a couple, we learned a long time ago that while I like to express my feelings at the very moment, Eric on the other hand is the type of person who will sometimes hold things in and let it fester until he reaches a point where it all blows up. So we have had situations where he'll bring up something totally out of the blue and I'll ask, “Well, why didn't you say anything then?" I have to remind him that holding things in isn't healthy for anyone – whether male or female.
Other times, I may think something is bothering Eric or I think something is wrong and a lot of times it's the complete opposite. One thing he's taught me, and I know this to be true for a lot of other guys, is that sometimes he actually is thinking about absolutely nothing. He ventures off to this place I like to call his “upper room," not to be confused with the movie Life and the upper room they refer to as Heaven. Instead, it's where he goes to escape mentally to calm his mind, think about sports, news or his fantasy sports…or even just to ignore me (LOL). Real talk. He doesn't go anywhere physically, but mentally he takes a few moments off to go and relax in the upper room. So, I have learned to let him go there when he needs to and let him have his moment but also listen more and talk less when necessary. I have to be patient knowing that his ability to express his emotions will not always come easy, but they will come with time. Being patient may mean continuing to listen to him despite how long he wants to drag out an argument, or can also be as simple as waiting for the game to go off before starting a deep and involved discussion; realizing that he probably won't be fully engaged anyway while the game is on. This isn't always the case but it definitely helps in our household.
All in all, being patient is understanding their nature as men but still being committed to encourage them to still open up more.
Shonda Brown White is a bestselling author, blogger, life coach, and brand strategist. When she's not jumping out of a plane or zip lining, she's living the married life with her husband in Atlanta, GA. Connect with her on social @ShondaBWhite and her empowering real talk on her blog.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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