#CheckYourBoys: Why I'm Teaching My Sons About Verbal & Sexual Harassment
I remember the time I confused catcalls with compliments.
I was about 15 and like other girls my age, I wanted to be the center of attention in high school, attracting the eyes of boys who would redefine my perception of myself.
It started off light on the way to school or in hallways where the guys lined up against locker doors. Before 'morning texts' became the wave amongst adolescents, my morning began with “How you doing, beautiful?" and “You look good today." It fueled my day. Roughly a year or two earlier, my mother told me that I was becoming fast and falling prey to teenage boys who would tell me things I wanted to hear for their benefit. She was right, and eventually, their words lead to the fulfillment of their wishes in the long run.
After weeks of having all eyes on me, my internal hopes of being desired seemed to have been fulfilled. However, things changed when I didn't hear one boy's comments towards me, but heard the words that followed–he outright called me a bitch. I was easily removed from the pedestal I put myself on as a result of not responding to something directed towards me, and I was mindblown. That day would later lead to years of witnessing women be called every name under the sun because she “didn't know how to take a compliment," and it changed my world.
As a mother of three sons, I understand the need to have a conversation about being mindful of the words we use towards people. I'll admit, it's rather difficult dissecting and exploring the differences between complimenting a little girl on her natural hair versus making her uncomfortable when talking about her appearance with toddlers, but it's important to introduce the subject when they're young.
That's why I love SoulPancake's #ThatsWhatHeSaid episode on how men view women. Anabella Casanova, the series creator, said the purpose of the roundtable discussions are “to foster understanding and compassion within genders and across the gender gap." In this episode, the fellas discuss everything from catcalling and the viral “10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman" video, to sexism and male privilege. Acknowledging that harassment is about treating a woman's body as it is isn't her own, one participant says that him engaging in catcalling had little to do with the woman, and more to do with him asserting his masculinity and proving his manhood to his friends.
In sharing their stories about how everyday experiences differ between men and women, the guys offer up solutions for how men can treat women equally. One way? Check your boys when women are being harassed in hopes that they can become more cognizant of toxic behavior that negatively affects most women, and is a detriment to society. Here are some quotables from the piece that can serve as some dope conversation starters between the sexes:
“We talk about sexism as if it's a woman's problem. It's women's problem to deal with, but it's men's problem. Sexism is men's problem and that's the thing about privileged groups–you have to make a decision that I will revoke my own privilege and that's a big step task. The truth is, it is the privileged group that needs to do the work."“You hear things that are implicitly sexist, but without even acknowledging it, it is so hardwired into the way you think and talk."
“Part of it, too, when it comes up casually in a joking manner, I think it's a natural reaction to just kind of laugh and go along with it, but you don't realize that that could actually have, like, a really emotional effect on somebody who you're not thinking of."
“I think it's looking into ourselves and our own history and wondering where that joke comes from, or what the root of that opinion is. And in order to combat it, we need to find it and address it, and then consciously shift our attitude or behavior."
“A part of it is, sex is something women give and something men get, and as long as we see it that way, I think some of the dynamics that we're talking about are going to persist. This is something out there that I'm supposed to go get, then I'm going to go get it. Until it's seen truly as something shared, then there will always be some version of this dynamic."
This is exactly why it's important for my partner and I as parents to have these talks with our sons.
I don't want my children to grow up feeling like a woman's body is entertainment, and I think many of us aren't having conversations with our kids about recognizing discomfort in others and how to react to rejection. There are little boys that are constantly faced with having to prove their masculinity and anything 'feminine-like' is rejected, breeding a culture of men who are in a constant struggle between being who they truly are and being who the world says they should be.
Eight-year-old boys “need" to be hard. It's quite alright to push boys into manhood and onto girls at 10. Complimenting girls at young ages turns to aggressive behavior by 18 when a woman doesn't respond to a statement because of pressures to prove something.
It is my hope that my stories on how I encountered catcalling on the street out with my homegirls, in church, or at school helps my children stop harassment when they see or hear it. It will never be okay. I hope they understand where to draw the line and how crucial it is to stop their friends who will grow up contributing to misogyny. They have a mother, aunts, and cousins that have experienced verbal harassment with no one coming to their defense, but they have the opportunity to stop sexist behavior in their tracks. My job is to expose them to the power of their voices the right way, even if it means doing the unpopular thing and checking my boys.
Check out the full video on the discussion below.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Have You Heard Of The 4B Movement? Here's Why It Matters.
Depending on what side of TikTok you’re on, you’ve been seeing an uptick in content about the 4B Movement. In response to South Korea having the world’s lowest birth rate, TikTok user @denimchromosome gave a brief synopsis of the movement on February 16. “Korean women are so done with Korean men that they’re literally just deciding to die out," she said in her post.
While the video is only 30 seconds, this user broke the movement down to its essence and sparked a broader conversation for people to fully dive into knowledge about the movement and why some Korean women have decided to fully commit to this push for gender equality and social justice.
What Is the 4B Movement?
The 4B Movement gained notoriety and prevalence in 2019 when a collective of Korean feminists decided they would no longer marry men (비혼 bihon), have children (비출산 bichulsan), date men (비연애 biyeonae), or have sex with men (비섹스 bisekseu). The name of the movement came from all four agreements, starting with the letter B in Korean. The women who have chosen to participate in this movement are doing so as a result of the blatant misogyny that exists in their society.
They are challenging the cultural norms of their country by removing themselves from the dating scene, ignoring the beauty standards and consumerism propagated toward women, and calling out the pay disparity in the Korean job market.
Go Min Hee, a political professor at Ewha Women's University in Seoul, told NPR, "Gender gap in education has disappeared with the declining number of children and growing attention to education.” As of 2003, women’s college enrollment rates in the region have surpassed men’s.
“But the income gap in the post-education labor market hasn't closed," she continued. South Korea has the largest gender pay gap in the developed world, as of 2022, women still made 31% less than their male counterparts.
In the same report, Jeong Han-Wool, head of the Research Institute of Korean People, shared “For a long time, patriarchal norms governed South Korean society. But those social norms dissolved with democratization, and I don't think we have established new norms that can fill the vacuum.”
Han-Wool said the 4B movement was ignited by the Me Too movement here in the U.S., which he said sparked a new wave of young feminists in South Korea.
While others don’t connect it directly to the movement, they doacknowledge that 4B emerged after multiple incidents of high-profile murders of Korean women, a rampant culture of revenge porn, and spy cam sex crimes were at an all-time high.
Additionally, there is blatant discrimination against women in the workplace; married women are often subjected to gender-based violence, and women are expected to take on the majority of household and child-rearing responsibilities.
Tackling Gender-Based Bias
Digital creator Ryan Carriger said, “Through amplifying the voices and the experiences of the movement, it can illuminate the far-reaching nature of gender-based bias and challenge the social structures that reinforce inequality.”
However, some, such as Anna Lee, have said that the Western media is sensationalizing this movement in South Korea. Despite the fact that reports from the country’s Ministry of Education support the quickly diminishing juvenile population, which many argue is a direct result of feminism. As of February 2024, 157 elementary schools throughout the country will have zero first graders. The lowest reported since the ministry began keeping records in 1970.
Likewise, because of the uptick in feminist voices, young men have shared their feelings of “reverse discrimination” and want the government to get rid of the Gender Equality Ministry in large part because it’s making the job market even more competitive.
Yet, this government entity focuses on more than career equity. One of its main purposes is to protect Korean women who are victims of gender-based crimes such as sexual assault and rape. Opponents of the government’s desire to dismantle this ministry believe it is a dangerous idea and will only lead to more harm toward women in the future.
As the online dialogue continues to build around the 4B Movement, many women from across the world are standing in solidarity with the women of South Korea. Some American women online are sharing a similar sentiment that they’ve already committed to the agreements of the 4B Movement in their personal lives without knowing it was associated with any deliberate social activism.
@wtfaleisa Replying to @user9720585462941 ♬ original sound - wtfaleisa
Decentering Men and Toxic Patriarchy
As many women’s studies scholars have found throughout history, to truly gain gender equality, you have to destabilize patriarchal systems and institutions. Activist, feminist, and author bell hooks once wrote, "Feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression. Decentering men is a central aspect of this movement." Judith Butler, a gender studies scholar, has further added that decentering men "does not mean erasing men or their experiences, but rather acknowledging that our social and political structures have been built around a narrow understanding of masculinity."
Yet, in true social media form, some of the discussions that are emerging online are demonizing, shaming, and insulting women who are choosing to distance themselves from men, that are collectively harmful to their overall well-being. Proponents of the movement are providing counterarguments to these videos.
Some people can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that there are women who would rather be single, have full autonomy over their bodies, and build a life that they want for themselves. Many naysayers of the 4B Movement are calling these actions misandry.
Carrieger disagrees with the notion that the movement is discriminatory against men and says, “Just as Black individuals have long fought against systemic racism and oppression, women have faced their own battles against gender-based discrimination and inequality.” He continues, “The 4B movement's call to challenge traditional gender roles and advocate for the empowerment of women reflects the struggle for equality that resonates within the Black community.”
Finding Common Ground for Social Justice
Historically, any oppressed group looking to gain equal citizenship in a society is always met with pushback, violence, shame, and blame. We saw it with America's civil rights and women's suffrage movements. We saw it with the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa and, most recently, with the women’s movement in Iran. This conversation could continue for hours upon hours, and the debates on whether women hate men could rage on for millennia.
The one piece of the conversation that some people are failing to address is that women, not only in Korea but globally, have decided they’d rather be single, child-free, and at peace than have to be subjected to constant trauma, discrimination, and abuse.
It goes without saying that not all men fall in line with patriarchal beliefs or disagree that there are toxic men in the world. However, this conversation is about a collective experience women around the globe share when it comes to their roles in a misogynistic world.
Even women who are in loving relationships and happy to be mothers have shared their understanding of why women would not want to have anything to do with men. Women standing up for themselves and not wanting to feel like second-class citizens isn’t an attack on men, but a call for them to be held accountable for their behavior, both past and present.
And for men to acknowledge that women play just as important a part in society as they do.
I’ll leave you with this quote from activist and scholar Angela Davis: "Decentering men is not about diminishing men or their contributions, but about recognizing that true liberation requires challenging all forms of oppression, including patriarchy."
This quote fully embodies the essence of the 4B Movement and similar movements that aim to decentralize men in our global society.
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