#CheckYourBoys: Why I'm Teaching My Sons About Verbal & Sexual Harassment
I remember the time I confused catcalls with compliments.
I was about 15 and like other girls my age, I wanted to be the center of attention in high school, attracting the eyes of boys who would redefine my perception of myself.
It started off light on the way to school or in hallways where the guys lined up against locker doors. Before 'morning texts' became the wave amongst adolescents, my morning began with “How you doing, beautiful?" and “You look good today." It fueled my day. Roughly a year or two earlier, my mother told me that I was becoming fast and falling prey to teenage boys who would tell me things I wanted to hear for their benefit. She was right, and eventually, their words lead to the fulfillment of their wishes in the long run.
After weeks of having all eyes on me, my internal hopes of being desired seemed to have been fulfilled. However, things changed when I didn't hear one boy's comments towards me, but heard the words that followed–he outright called me a bitch. I was easily removed from the pedestal I put myself on as a result of not responding to something directed towards me, and I was mindblown. That day would later lead to years of witnessing women be called every name under the sun because she “didn't know how to take a compliment," and it changed my world.
As a mother of three sons, I understand the need to have a conversation about being mindful of the words we use towards people. I'll admit, it's rather difficult dissecting and exploring the differences between complimenting a little girl on her natural hair versus making her uncomfortable when talking about her appearance with toddlers, but it's important to introduce the subject when they're young.
That's why I love SoulPancake's #ThatsWhatHeSaid episode on how men view women. Anabella Casanova, the series creator, said the purpose of the roundtable discussions are “to foster understanding and compassion within genders and across the gender gap." In this episode, the fellas discuss everything from catcalling and the viral “10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman" video, to sexism and male privilege. Acknowledging that harassment is about treating a woman's body as it is isn't her own, one participant says that him engaging in catcalling had little to do with the woman, and more to do with him asserting his masculinity and proving his manhood to his friends.
In sharing their stories about how everyday experiences differ between men and women, the guys offer up solutions for how men can treat women equally. One way? Check your boys when women are being harassed in hopes that they can become more cognizant of toxic behavior that negatively affects most women, and is a detriment to society. Here are some quotables from the piece that can serve as some dope conversation starters between the sexes:
“We talk about sexism as if it's a woman's problem. It's women's problem to deal with, but it's men's problem. Sexism is men's problem and that's the thing about privileged groups–you have to make a decision that I will revoke my own privilege and that's a big step task. The truth is, it is the privileged group that needs to do the work."“You hear things that are implicitly sexist, but without even acknowledging it, it is so hardwired into the way you think and talk."
“Part of it, too, when it comes up casually in a joking manner, I think it's a natural reaction to just kind of laugh and go along with it, but you don't realize that that could actually have, like, a really emotional effect on somebody who you're not thinking of."
“I think it's looking into ourselves and our own history and wondering where that joke comes from, or what the root of that opinion is. And in order to combat it, we need to find it and address it, and then consciously shift our attitude or behavior."
“A part of it is, sex is something women give and something men get, and as long as we see it that way, I think some of the dynamics that we're talking about are going to persist. This is something out there that I'm supposed to go get, then I'm going to go get it. Until it's seen truly as something shared, then there will always be some version of this dynamic."
This is exactly why it's important for my partner and I as parents to have these talks with our sons.
I don't want my children to grow up feeling like a woman's body is entertainment, and I think many of us aren't having conversations with our kids about recognizing discomfort in others and how to react to rejection. There are little boys that are constantly faced with having to prove their masculinity and anything 'feminine-like' is rejected, breeding a culture of men who are in a constant struggle between being who they truly are and being who the world says they should be.
Eight-year-old boys “need" to be hard. It's quite alright to push boys into manhood and onto girls at 10. Complimenting girls at young ages turns to aggressive behavior by 18 when a woman doesn't respond to a statement because of pressures to prove something.
It is my hope that my stories on how I encountered catcalling on the street out with my homegirls, in church, or at school helps my children stop harassment when they see or hear it. It will never be okay. I hope they understand where to draw the line and how crucial it is to stop their friends who will grow up contributing to misogyny. They have a mother, aunts, and cousins that have experienced verbal harassment with no one coming to their defense, but they have the opportunity to stop sexist behavior in their tracks. My job is to expose them to the power of their voices the right way, even if it means doing the unpopular thing and checking my boys.
Check out the full video on the discussion below.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Between the rise of the creator economy and the gig economy, the window of opportunity to leverage your creativity for long-term gain has never been more potent.
For the last four years, I’ve worked as a full-time freelance writer and content creator. A year into this journey, I knew that if I wanted to create a sense of structure around my life outside of a traditional 9-5, I would have to create it.
To my surprise, that came in the form of social media.
Now, you might be wondering how someone might be able to juggle their work in a creatively-dominant career like writing while still having the mental capacity to produce ideas for their own personal brand, and well, that answer didn’t come easily.
In 2021, I hit a wall with writing and content creation.
With the stress and uncertainty that came as a result of the pandemic, to being burned out from having to live off my creativity, I reached a breaking point. For me, writing was always a space to explore my thoughts, process heavy topics, and express concepts that only words could bring reason to. However, when I didn’t have the brainpower to write or create content, I knew it was time to set parameters around my hobby of content creation and my passion for storytelling.
In this case, the biggest challenge was finding the balance between the two by releasing the guilt and shame of taking a break from both in order to reconnect with them.
Through years of trial and error, the fog finally cleared, and I was able to hit my stride in 2023. From garnering over 10K followers on TikTok, building an Instagram community around lifestyle and creative encouragement, along with my wellness collective, Black Girl Playground, and writing for xoNecole as a lifestyle contributor, the creative juices have been flowing steadily.
And it all happened by creating a strategy that allowed space for planning, resting, and creating. Today, I’ll be sharing my top tips to help you find your balance between your side hustle and passions.
On staying inspired and motivated when working on various content creation and freelancing projects:
Early this year, I came to the bright conclusion that I needed to shorten the gap between ideation and execution — and it completely changed how I create.
Oftentimes, when we have an idea come to us, we let it sit for too long, and then before we know it, we’ve either lost the enthusiasm to put it into action, or someone else grabs it. If you want to stay in a flow of creativity, whether side projects or full-time work, it’s important to not get slowed down by self-doubt, procrastination, or perfectionism.
Give yourself permission to act on your ideas as they come to you. Even if they’re a little muddy or not “perfect,” you can always fine-tune them later.
@yagirlaley shrinking the gap between [ideation] + [execution] 🧠💡#fyp #creativeadvice
On the importance of choosing a niche:
If there’s one thing that has helped me balance my work as a writer and content creator, it’s putting each in its own niche (or category). By definition, a niche is a specialized segment of the market or a specific area of expertise.
When you are creating in the same niche that you’re also making a living in, that’s an easy way to get your wires crossed. And at times, this could lead to feeling as if you don’t have any ideas for yourself because you’ve given them to the other area you're juggling.
When balancing two, you want to have enough fresh ideas to give to your personal projects and your full-time work to avoid any overlap. This ensures that your personal creative vision isn’t compromised when working on client projects while still having some for yourself.
On the strategies that have helped to maintain a consistent workflow in both areas:
I can’t stress enough how important it is to create a workflow and structure for yourself as a freelancer — this applies to those with a 9-5 in the day and a 5-9 at night, too.
As someone who admittedly has ADHD tendencies, object permanence can sometimes create a block in time and project management. That’s why I encourage creatives and professionals to create systems that allow you to see the work that’s ahead of you.
Personally, I can’t live without having multiple calendars going at once. My Google calendar keeps track of interviews for articles and events, while my physical calendar helps me keep track of important dates. I also work out of an Excel sheet where I can log in ongoing stories and track their status from drafting to submission. I’ve also heard great things about the Notion app for planning and tracking.
When it comes to creating content, spending time doing bulk content days has been an asset to my creative workflow. When I complete the videos, I save them to my drafts and upload them as needed.
Credit: Amberita
Courtesy of the writer
On the best advice for someone who is considering pursuing both content creation and freelancing simultaneously:
Don’t be ashamed of taking a break and resting — because both are essential to the life of a creative. Last month, I returned to Instagram after taking 6 months off from posting. During that time, I worked on growing my TikTok page, using the platform to practice vulnerability and allowing myself to put the fun back into creating content. Without the time, I can’t say I’d be able to approach Instagram with the same ease and playfulness; but thanks to that time away, it was possible.
Resting, letting our minds wander, or simply doing nothing are all just as productive as creating. No one can produce at all times, we have to allow ourselves the space for new concepts and ideas to flow to us. In addition to that, when we take breaks from social media, it allows us to stop the wheel of comparison and consume more than we create. So if you feel like you’re in a creative rut with all you want to balance, it may be time to take a step back, unapologetically.
Your creativity will thank you for it.
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Featured image by Sir Taylor