#CheckYourBoys: Why I'm Teaching My Sons About Verbal & Sexual Harassment
I remember the time I confused catcalls with compliments.
I was about 15 and like other girls my age, I wanted to be the center of attention in high school, attracting the eyes of boys who would redefine my perception of myself.
It started off light on the way to school or in hallways where the guys lined up against locker doors. Before 'morning texts' became the wave amongst adolescents, my morning began with “How you doing, beautiful?" and “You look good today." It fueled my day. Roughly a year or two earlier, my mother told me that I was becoming fast and falling prey to teenage boys who would tell me things I wanted to hear for their benefit. She was right, and eventually, their words lead to the fulfillment of their wishes in the long run.
After weeks of having all eyes on me, my internal hopes of being desired seemed to have been fulfilled. However, things changed when I didn't hear one boy's comments towards me, but heard the words that followed–he outright called me a bitch. I was easily removed from the pedestal I put myself on as a result of not responding to something directed towards me, and I was mindblown. That day would later lead to years of witnessing women be called every name under the sun because she “didn't know how to take a compliment," and it changed my world.
As a mother of three sons, I understand the need to have a conversation about being mindful of the words we use towards people. I'll admit, it's rather difficult dissecting and exploring the differences between complimenting a little girl on her natural hair versus making her uncomfortable when talking about her appearance with toddlers, but it's important to introduce the subject when they're young.
That's why I love SoulPancake's #ThatsWhatHeSaid episode on how men view women. Anabella Casanova, the series creator, said the purpose of the roundtable discussions are “to foster understanding and compassion within genders and across the gender gap." In this episode, the fellas discuss everything from catcalling and the viral “10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman" video, to sexism and male privilege. Acknowledging that harassment is about treating a woman's body as it is isn't her own, one participant says that him engaging in catcalling had little to do with the woman, and more to do with him asserting his masculinity and proving his manhood to his friends.
In sharing their stories about how everyday experiences differ between men and women, the guys offer up solutions for how men can treat women equally. One way? Check your boys when women are being harassed in hopes that they can become more cognizant of toxic behavior that negatively affects most women, and is a detriment to society. Here are some quotables from the piece that can serve as some dope conversation starters between the sexes:
“We talk about sexism as if it's a woman's problem. It's women's problem to deal with, but it's men's problem. Sexism is men's problem and that's the thing about privileged groups–you have to make a decision that I will revoke my own privilege and that's a big step task. The truth is, it is the privileged group that needs to do the work."“You hear things that are implicitly sexist, but without even acknowledging it, it is so hardwired into the way you think and talk."
“Part of it, too, when it comes up casually in a joking manner, I think it's a natural reaction to just kind of laugh and go along with it, but you don't realize that that could actually have, like, a really emotional effect on somebody who you're not thinking of."
“I think it's looking into ourselves and our own history and wondering where that joke comes from, or what the root of that opinion is. And in order to combat it, we need to find it and address it, and then consciously shift our attitude or behavior."
“A part of it is, sex is something women give and something men get, and as long as we see it that way, I think some of the dynamics that we're talking about are going to persist. This is something out there that I'm supposed to go get, then I'm going to go get it. Until it's seen truly as something shared, then there will always be some version of this dynamic."
This is exactly why it's important for my partner and I as parents to have these talks with our sons.
I don't want my children to grow up feeling like a woman's body is entertainment, and I think many of us aren't having conversations with our kids about recognizing discomfort in others and how to react to rejection. There are little boys that are constantly faced with having to prove their masculinity and anything 'feminine-like' is rejected, breeding a culture of men who are in a constant struggle between being who they truly are and being who the world says they should be.
Eight-year-old boys “need" to be hard. It's quite alright to push boys into manhood and onto girls at 10. Complimenting girls at young ages turns to aggressive behavior by 18 when a woman doesn't respond to a statement because of pressures to prove something.
It is my hope that my stories on how I encountered catcalling on the street out with my homegirls, in church, or at school helps my children stop harassment when they see or hear it. It will never be okay. I hope they understand where to draw the line and how crucial it is to stop their friends who will grow up contributing to misogyny. They have a mother, aunts, and cousins that have experienced verbal harassment with no one coming to their defense, but they have the opportunity to stop sexist behavior in their tracks. My job is to expose them to the power of their voices the right way, even if it means doing the unpopular thing and checking my boys.
Check out the full video on the discussion below.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Regina King Reflects On Grief and Loss After Her Son’s Death: ‘The Sadness Will Never Go Away.’
The pain of losing a child is an experience that no parent wants to go through — and actress Regina King is now ready to speak about her experience with grief two years after her son’s passing.
In her first TV interview appearance since her son, Ian Alexander Jr., died by suicide in January 2022, King sat down with Good Morning America to reflect on the tragic loss.
“I’m a different person, you know, now than I was January 19,” King shared. “Grief is a journey, you know? I understand that grief is love that has no place to go.”
“I know that it’s important for me to honor Ian in the totality of who he is, speak about him in the present because he is always with me and the joy and happiness that he gave all of us,” she added.
The Shirley star also added that it's vital to discuss the common misconception surrounding depression, noting that battles with mental health can manifest in diverse ways. “When it comes to depression, people expect it to look a certain way — they expect it to look heavy,” King told Robin Roberts.
“To have to experience this and not be able to have the time to just sit with Ian’s choice, which I respect and understand… He didn’t want to be here anymore, and that’s a hard thing for other people to receive because they did not live our experience, did not live Ian’s journey.”
Jeff Kravitz / Contributor/Getty Images
The Academy Award winner openly revealed that she was initially “so angry with God.”
“Why would that weight be given to Ian? Of all of the things that we had gone through — therapy, psychiatrists, programs — and Ian was like, ‘I’m tired of talking, Mom,' " she said.
With the memory of her son near to her, King said through tears, “My favorite thing about myself is being Ian’s mom and I can say that with a smile, with tears, with all of the emotion that comes with that. I can’t do that if I did not respect the journey.”
Anderson, 26, was a musician, DJ, and King’s only child. In 2019, Ian escorted his mother on the red carpet of the Golden Globes, where she took home the award for "Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture."
He toldE! News at the time, "She's just a super mom. She doesn't really let bad work days or anything come back and ruin the time that we have. It's really awesome to have a mother who I can enjoy spending time with."
Understanding that grief is shared by many others, King emphasizes the unique weight of her role as Ian's mother and acknowledges that the sadness will always be a part of her.
“Sometimes, a lot of guilt comes over me. When a parent loses a child, you still wonder, ‘What could I have done so that wouldn’t have happened?’ I know that I share this grief with everyone, but no one else is Ian’s mom, you know? Only me. So it’s mine. And the sadness will never go away. It will always be with me.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
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Featured image by Shannon Finney / Stringer/Getty Images