Nice, France
While I'm not here to write a think-piece on a few recent events affecting the black community in America, I'm fully aware of the frustration, disgust, and utter numbness that's getting harder to suppress by my fellow African-Americans when these events make international news.
But it's extremely important for us to not only bind together in peace, but to also do what's necessary to decompress and take a break from the madness if we find it to be consuming the better part of us.
We could argue back and forth about this or we could take a break from the exhaustion of tip-toeing around people's fears for our skin color in a country we helped build, and just go somewhere where we're tolerated instead.
Last year, even our beloved Bahamas, of which 90% of the population is black, issued a travel warning for those wanting to visit the U.S. soon. Not the first time either. A sign of the times.
Although travel is an absolute privilege for so many, I want to encourage my fellow black Americans who've had their passport in hand just waiting for the opportune moment to take off temporarily, that the time is now.
While I'd love to include other continents in the mix, Europe is the one I've spent the last three years exploring the most. So it's currently the only continent I can confidently offer suggestions for cities that not only welcome black skin color, but celebrate it as well.
So without further adieu, here are my top five European city recommendations for travel when enough is enough:
1. Edinburgh, Scotland
Edinburgh, Scotland
Not only will they feel comfortable opening up to you about their life stories within seconds, but they'll invite you for a beer, banter about how much they hate England (haha, sorry Brits), and find a way to make light of any negative situation.
Collectively, they have some of the best senses of humor and while you'll only catch every third word or so due to their accents (God bless it), their charm, welcoming spirits, and laid back personalities are those of the exact type of people you need in your life.
Just don't go in the winter. Because hashtag, brutal.
2. Berlin, Germany
Berlin, Germany
Berlin is jokingly known as the “poor but sexy" cousin to Munich, but is always a millennial favorite for digital nomads, gap year students, and others just in between jobs and taking time off to travel.
Germany is a pretty liberal country in general, and whether it's the crazy house parties, the endless selection of cuisines, nudist parks, or the hipster vibe dripping throughout the streets, it's a city that has something for everybody.
It's got an amazing international community, so you'll be bumping elbows with people from all walks of life on a nightly basis.
It's also goes without saying that due to the dark Nazi history of Germany, they really have no room to repeat or harbor negativity towards other cultures, and it seems like they make a deliberate effort not to do so.
3. Nice, France
Nice, France
Nice, which sits cozily along the French Riviera, is one of the most colorful, vivacious, and diverse cities in France.
You're in a melting pot of cultures from around the world, which again means incredibly varied cuisines, and not to mention one of the most beautiful and unique architectural layouts in Europe, because of its mixed Italian and French influence in the past.
Nice is a city I'm always happy to go back to, and if you're traveling for a longer period of time and you're short on black hair care products, you'll have no problem finding everything you need to re-stock up on here.
4. Krakow, Poland
Krakow, Poland
I don't know what took me so long to discover Poland, but I finally did (thanks, Busabout!) and loved every single minute.
Not only do the Polish people stop and smile at you as you pass them on the street, but you can can feel their warmth and genuine appreciation for you being there by their expressions.
Though the basic words of the Polish language are a challenge to master, they'll smile at your attempts and will meet you more than halfway with their very high levels of English.
I mentioned it to a couple Aussies how cute it was when elderly people would see me, do a double-take, and look so amazed. And almost on cue, a lady passed by and did exactly what I described, and my Aussie friend couldn't stop laughing about it.
A Polish friend told me the other day that she'd only met two black people in her life growing up, but assured me that I wouldn't ever have a problem with not feeling welcomed, and she was right.
Everywhere I went, every restaurant I walked into alone, all eyes were on me.
But not in a terrifying way, but more so a "Wow, how cool to have a black person in our presence!" kind of way. And it's both awesome and hilarious, and I think every black person needs to experience this and be spoiled forever, lol.
While on a bike tour, our Polish guide ended his spiel with a very resounding speech about how much the Jewish community influenced the current state of Krakow, and how he's so excited about the potential of the city and welcomes all other cultures to continue coming and contributing to what makes Krakow so great. I was greatly moved by his words.
5. Budva, Montenegro
Budva, Montenegro
Budva is a city that's on the extreme end of how much black skin can be appreciated abroad -- but not as extreme as Italy, which you could read exactly what I'm talking about here, LOL.
But in Budva, you're not only welcomed, you're practically celebrated, as you're viewed as a celebrity as one restaurant owner confessed they get roughly two black tourists a year, and I'm sure that's an overstatement, ha.
Czesky Krumlov, Czech Republic
As you're casually mistaken for a famous black celebrity or actress constantly, restaurant owners will invite you to try their main dishes, bar owners will spoil you with drinks on the house, and private beach clubs will let you lounge on their property for as long you'd like.
Budva, MontenegroThe red carpet is truly laid out and whether I was accepting rides on luxury yachts or signing Serena Williams' autograph by the beach (true story, he was a kid and I couldn't say no while his parents were watching), then your days are made quite nicely.
In Montenegro, they treat you like royalty, and got damn it, you are. You're magical, divine, and every bit worthy of being appreciated and not judged prematurely as a threat.
[Tweet "Black people, you are... worthy, divine, appreciated, and more."]
While these experiences will come with its fair share of people asking for selfies, understand that it'll still be far more enjoyable, because they're people who feel honored by your existence, not threatened by it.
And that makes the world of a difference.
Hey 15 minutes of fame, I see you! #MilkinIt
While I have two younger, but grown brothers back home, and a future family to raise one day, the idea of permanently living abroad is sounding more and more likely.
So I'll continue scouting as many black-friendly cities around the world as possible, and to the black community back in America, stay strong, stay safe, and stay ready to move, because sometimes, enough is enough.
Black friends, see you on the other side -- where we matter, and stuff ;)
What has your travel experience been like? Have other cultures readily embraced you? Share your stories in the comment section below!
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Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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