Why This Beyonce Dancer Broke Off Her Engagement Two Months Before The Formation World Tour
"I dream it, I work hard, I grind til I own it...
Saying that every woman dreams of having it all can feel like the understatement of the century.
We all crave that work-life balance that is inclusive of an amazing career that we enjoy that keeps us financially afloat, a wonderful marriage to the partner of our dreams, and eventually, maybe, kids that are a little them and a little us to join the mix. We're constantly given messages that we can “have it all", we just have to work for it.
For Dnay B., who rose to notoriety when she got into formation as a background dancer for Queen Bey herself, most women might look at her life and think she has it all – the dream job, the ability to travel the world, rocking the stage of massive stadiums with the girl boss of all bosses Beyonce.
But, with big dreams come big sacrifices.
Like many successful, ambitious women, Dnay B. found herself making a choice between what she loved so dearly and who she loved so effortlessly as both were promising a happy, abundant future for her – just in different ways. It all came to a head while touring the world as a principal dancer alongside Beyonce for the Formation World Tour in 2016. Staring at the height of the ladder this early in her career and looking down at what could be the man of her dreams, she had to make a decision.
The guy in her life became the man of her dreams as the result of a budding friendship blossoming into something more. “He was my boyfriend for three years in high school," she recalled. But like many high school sweethearts, the puppy love faded for some time as she began to explore more career options at 18. The two reconnected in 2010, a bit more mature, and settled in their ways at 22 years old.
“He's always been my friend, [we've] always been in communication with each other, but we just started hanging out again. He was very supportive at the time," Dnay said about their rekindled love. Still, an important aspect of their relationship seemed to have trickled down from familial patterns. “I always ended up with guys that would be like, 'Oh that's cool, you dance' but they would never come to a show, or never watch it on TV, or anything like that." Reminiscent of her father, who she obviously adores and seeks for advice, she found herself attracting lovers who mimicked his shortcomings – something she was able to forgive in a parent, but would come to learn that she was unable to forgive in a lover. He was different in this regard, which made her appreciate their relationship even more.
The challenge of the relationship didn't appear until her career went into overdrive. In 2013, she got a last-minute call from Beyonce's team that they wanted her – immediately.
“Everything was good for the first two years, but it was right when I started the [The Mrs. Carter World] tour and how I had got the tour, that things were just a little shaky," Dnay expressed. “I literally found out about the tour the day that I had to leave. So, it was like dropping a ton of bricks or buildings on somebody. He had already been through a lot, which I understand. At the time, his mom was dying of cancer. He's an only child so he was looking for [and] he needed support, he needed love. But at the same time, I was stepping into my own light and being recognized as this new dancer embarking on a new tour."
Still, the relationship continued on in good merit, even as she traveled the world. “Three months turned into six months; six months turned into a year; a year turned into two years," she said. “And in that time, his mom passed away, I wasn't able to go, so there was just a lot of resentment."
Stuck between a rock and a hard place – the want to be physically present for your lover in need and having to stay focused for the most transformational time in your career – Dnay felt the heat. She wanted to make the relationship last, but she was also working a rigorous schedule day in and day out. On top of that, she wasn't receiving much support on her end, either. “We would talk when we could and I would see him when I could, but because my schedule was so demanding, he was like, 'I can't just be dropping everything because you have three days off.'"
Still, he also wanted to prove to Dnay that he was committed to their relationship. On October 29th, 2015, on her 28th birthday, he surprised her with a marriage proposal. It was something they had always talked about, but for Dnay, the timing was off.
“I think in his mind, he felt it was going to change my mind about what I wanted to do. It's what every little girl dreams about, but because I'm a little different…the outcome wasn't really what he expected."
Whether we care to admit it or not, a lot of the entertainment that is pushed our way as young girls leads to a servant mentality where we're taught that our voices, our gifts, our desires inherently come second to the men we may grow to love and adore. For black women, in particular, we are often taught that good men are rare and that you must hold on to the one you get once you find one – this mentality can become crippling to our strength and our potential.
That's why Beyonce – a woman who demonstrates that you can have a bomb ass career, a loving marriage, and kids, too (aka you can have it all and not settle, sis) – played such an important role in Dnay's life at a crucial time in her journey. With powerful women figures from her mother, step-mom, aunts, grandparents, and more, Beyonce gave her a name and a mentality for both what she learned from them and what it was she was seeking; not just feminism, but the courage to want and demand more.
“I guess I really started becoming aware of my independence," she confessed. “I knew I was over the relationship in February (two months before the first tour date of the Formation World Tour). It just took some time to build up the confidence to actually tell him… it took me those months to really deal with it."
It's no coincidence that the daily backdrop to all of Dnay's woes was all of the critically acclaimed songs on Beyonce's Lemonade visual album. Not only did Dnay assist in creating the beautiful imagery onscreen and onstage, but she was living it right along with everyone else who experienced the power of her songs and lyrics. An album that chronicles the story of love lost, abandoned, scorned, forgiven, and manifested into rebirth and activism – Dnay found her inner strength. It's no surprise that “Don't Hurt Yourself" became her motto.
“During the practice for 'Freedom,' we had to dance in the pool for the tour. And I am not a water girl, at all – I don't do water; I don't go to the pool; I don't go to the sprinklers. I don't do any of that," Dnay laughed. “And I don't know why the choreographers chose me to be the test dummy for the pool. So, we're in this pool and [Beyonce] is like, 'Oh, this is going to be perfect!' And [at that moment], I fell. And when I fell, I sort of fell fast. And I was like, 'Oh my god, I'm drowning, I'm drowning!'" Disoriented, Beyonce offered her a word of assistance. “She was like, 'Dnay, you're standing straight up – open your eyes.' I just felt like I was 10 feet underwater."
“Every night that I did that performance, it was just so freeing," she expressed. “I never felt sad… I just felt such a huge release every night, every time I hear that song, it just takes me back to that moment when I fell and I'm just standing up and I'm free. I'm not drowning, I'm not dead. I thought I was going to die, but I didn't. [It was] a strong release of so many different emotions. It's like you're being baptized every night and just washing away all the negativity, all the sins, everything that's wrong in your life. You just get to be free and pure after it."
Following the proposal and with a renewed and even deeper sense of purpose, Dnay found herself drifting further from her partner. “[I was like] OK, this is what I want to do. This - [dancing] - is my goal. This is my path that I'm setting for myself; the outcome wasn't really what he expected. So, his faith kind of fell through in a sense. And in the end, it was like, I'm not happy," she added. “He was stressing me out because he wanted me to be home, he wanted me to be cooking, he wanted me to do this, and I was like, I can't. I can't be stressed out at home and then I'm stressed out trying to learn these steps on this floor. I can't do both. I have to ultimately do what's going to make me happy."
Happiness and having it all for Dnay was choosing to leave him behind and continuing forward while honoring her journey, her talent, and her power. “I felt like I was leaving behind sadness, doubt, negativity, frustration – just from being loved the wrong way. I can't say he didn't love me, but it wasn't the love that I necessarily needed," Dnay admitted. “I left behind so many different things. I left behind a lot of tears. And I just get to walk away with my joy. I feel like I found joy leaving the relationship. Because happiness is temporary but when you find joy it's something that's unexplainable."
What's her advice for anyone else who may be struggling with the same battle?
“I would say that you should get to know who you are and get to know the things that you like and the things that you want and the things you need for you to find your joy," Dnay asserted. “Without challenge, there's no change. And you don't want to just be in a challenging relationship and think things are going to change. If it's not helping you, you're not going to grow. So, you need to be able to walk away from the challenge for there to be change."
Dnay's next personal challenge is empowering women, men, and children through her events.
“My workshops are not necessarily to become the perfect hip-hop dancer, but more so to remember why you love to dance," she said. “[I look forward to] walking in my truth and sharing my story, sharing my light with people. And I hope it just touches someone to be great."
To keep up with Dnay B. and her ever-growing dance resume, follow her on Instagram or visit her website to see if she's coming to a city near you.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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