I Was About To Get Plastic Surgery Until My 9-Year-Old Told Me This
They say that kids say the darnedest things.
They also have a subtle way of teaching us a few things about ourselves; whether it be where we could practice a little more patience or how to be courageous. As a single mother of two daughters, Alannah, 9, and Tahliah, 2, going on 20, I know this far too well!
Over a year ago, I ended a long-term relationship. One of the hardest decisions I've made in a while, considering the time invested, the fact that I thought I was going to marry my ex, recently giving birth to our child, and already having one failed marriage under my belt. Those close to me, know that for quite some time, I really struggled with my self-esteem and rediscovering myself. I even played with the idea of plastic surgery. After all, what's wrong with a little nip here and tuck there to get you back in the game... right?
Instead, I signed up for a gym membership and began working out. My plan was to eat right and get it tight, then go under the knife to tighten up my tummy and rid of some pesky stretch marks.
Only, it didn't go as planned.
I exercised and ate clean and it appeared as if I gained weight. While I could appreciate my rump which had rounded out over time, fact of the matter was, I wasn't remotely close to my pre-pregnancy weight and I wasn't happy! To makes matters worse, I began to eat my feelings, which turned out to be Reeses, Popeyes, Starbucks fraps and Chipotle. I didn't want to get dressed or leave the house, because I felt like a stuffed sausage in my clothes.
I even began a nasty habit of stalking Instagram accounts of new moms who flaunted their six packs and perfect breasts while posing in bikinis.
Before you knew it, I stopped taking pictures altogether.
By last fall, I had saved up enough money for surgery. While this should have felt like a victory, as I thought it was the answer to all my weight woes, instead, I felt ashamed. "Here I have two gorgeous girls who I tell each day how beautiful they are... just the way they are," I said to myself. Yet, here I was crying over my curves and basing my happiness on the size of my waistline. But it wasn't until my nine-year-old checked me one morning while helping her get dressed for school, that I really had my "Aha" moment.
"I feel so FAT!" I gasped, while grabbing my love handles in frustration.
My eldest replied, "Mama stop. You are perfect just the way you are. Isn't that what you tell us?"
Meanwhile, my tot who had been resting in the doorway with her hand on her hip added, "Yeah mama, you're purty." Instantly, I felt like a complete failure.
[Tweet "Here I was crying over my curves and basing my happiness on the size of my waistline."]
I began to look back over my extended pity party and thought about all the opportunities lost where I could have been a real good example. It quickly became clear that it was time to face my bigger insecurities and not just fix what was on the outside, but how I felt personally on the inside as wel.
The problem is, that in today's society, it's ingrained in our minds that women have to be "bad b*tches" at all times, despite their race, age, and whether or not they have children. When in fact, we should be aiming to be queens: a woman who exudes effortless beauty inside and out.
[Tweet "We should be aiming to be queens: a woman who exudes effortless beauty inside and out."]
Society tells us that pregnancy ruins your body, when in fact, my minions have given me a better relationship with mine. Sure, I still have days when I feel like all kinds of yuck, or when my twenty-something girlfriend's incite envy with a series of #aboutlastnight posts, highlighting a scantily clad crew on a night out on the town.
Fortunately, along the way, I've learned that my daughters, family, and friends don't love me for how I look; they love me for the fun, loyal, respectful, and occasionally wise woman I've grown into over the years. Is that to say that I've given up on my fitness goals? Absolutely not! And I am by no means criticizing women who opt for plastic surgery, as every woman should decide what's right for them. But for now, knowing that there are people in my life who love me unconditionally, whether I'm rocking a size 6 or size 10 pair of jeans, is good enough for me!
Ruu Hawkins is a highly dependent coffee life-form, currently working towards her Master's in this thing called life. When she 's not perfecting her pen game, she's a single mother of two queens who prides herself on being a creative, curly mobbin', couture enthusiast! Chat with her on Twitter @ruubabie.
Lover of tacos and a killer jacket. Keanu Reeves is bae. Mother of two amazingly awesome children. I live by one rule: Don't be a Richard. Follow me on Instagram @truthhawkins.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Everything You Want In Life Is On The Other Side Of A Venusian Upgrade
If you're an Astro girly to even the slightest degree, you probably know that Venus is the planet of love. But that's not all it is! Venus is also the planet of beauty, pleasure, and harmony. Now, what if I told you there's a way to harness that energy to live your best life, level up, and then some? The process is referred to as a "Venusian upgrade," a term coined by celebrity Astrologer Jade last summer.
And, while it will lead to sugar, spice, and all things nice – the main ingredient in this "upgrade" cocktail is hurt, pain, and upset (whatever it is that you call it when you get burnt). It's the equivalent of when that old flame dogs you out, makes a fool out of you, and you turn your tears into a healthy gym habit to flex on them.
However, according to Jade, the difference lies in the motivation – though we all seek revenge, this outcome is not and won't be for the gaze of those who hurt you – instead of being motivated by revenge, you're essentially motivated by abundance.
What Is a Venusian Upgrade?
"When I created 'A Venusian Upgrade,' I had the intention that I would put all vengeful and negative feelings into a positive transformation for myself. I've seen so many people struggle with transmuting energy – people who don't know how precious their life force is. Giving negative energy to others is taking away potential positive energy from yourself, and nothing ever really comes from it," she explained.
And, when I think about my personal experience with getting a better body in the name of making an ex pay for hurting me, she's absolutely right in that nothing positive comes of it; the attention mostly always leads to a toxic reconnection, interactions that cheapen and devalue you and your time, such as ex-sex.
Alternatively, when you commit to upgrading your Venus, it can lead to upgrades regarding "all things Venus," including relationships (platonic and romantic), finances, and appearance. All things that notably shifted for Jade since beginning this journey.
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus. Put all of your negative feelings into something positive for Venus. Let the ugliness of pain turn you into something even more beautiful. Venus is directly tied to the metamorphic process in Astrology. It is a very natural thing to upgrade via looks, money, and relationships after a Venusian Upgrade."
"Whatever it is that's hurt you in the past, that's hurting you now, or may hurt you in the future — give it to Venus."
Jade speaks about her personal experience with upgrading Venus. She speaks about not being stifled by fear, which is not the same as being unafraid. After all, fear and even doubt are healthy – indicators you have a little sense. But, that doesn't mean you bow out. Seeing it through despite the fear is the faith the universe is waiting to reward.
Since undergoing her Venusian upgrade, Jade says she's "seen 10 times a return on investment through the inspiration" she's gained and the people she's met – inspiration and connections that unlocked her new life.
Much like anything else, you will need to invest in yourself – and this doesn't always necessitate a financial investment so much as a time investment or knowledge (i.e., taking the time to read this article on upgrading your Venus). "The main thing is time. Nobody likes delayed gratification. But, according to Venus, this is the best form of [gratification]! Taurus, a Venus-ruled sign, is the sign of the slow and steady. It represents patience. The best parts of Venus come through a patient process."
Jade reminds us that in traditional Astrology, "Venus represents a woman and a wife. Your Venus is like that; she's like the wife who requires your dedication, and in return, she graces your life with ease and beauty."
In any case of the "happy wife, happy life" mantra, "the happy wife" requires consistency. When the husband or opposite partner throws money at them once every blue moon to compensate for their distance or lack of consistency, it rarely makes the wife happy. According to Jade, it's the same in this scenario.
"Venus is the planet of 1:1 commitments, including to one's self," she continues. "You have to commit to the upgrades you want your Venus to have. You want better romance and friendships? You have to commit to investing in and improving those things. You want your income to improve? You have to commit to a trial and error process that lets you find out what's gonna provide your Venus with the sweetest return. This process takes time and dedication."
According to Jade, upgrading your Venus can look like a combination of any of the following:
- Elevate your every day. Dress like you’ve got somewhere to be every day instead of saving clothes for “special.” occasions. Think, Carrie Bradshaw but less obnoxious. Or, any one of the ladies on Girlfriends. Ditch the sweatpants and athleisure wear.
- Stop spinning the block on your ex. Get comfortable with leaving stagnant energy behind. This is one form of clutter but Jade recommends removing all clutter.
- Figure out your aesthetic, and correct color palettes – invest in those things. Perfect them.
- Don’t skimp on your beauty investments!
Curiously, I wondered about the way our own Venus placement shows up when seeking out a Venusian upgrade. Because in the same way we have a sun sign and moon sign, we also have a sign that accounts for every other planet – including Venus. But, no need to worry or delay your work by getting bogged down. Ultimately, the process is the same as "Venus is naturally connected to the transformation process, so it will hold this ability to upgrade and transmute no matter what sign it's in."
However, I imagine that knowing what sign your Venus is in will tell you the way you enjoy Venusian qualities. For this knowledge, Jade recommends looking into Astrology further by "learning about the house, then the sign, and then Venus as a planet." She adds, "Once you're done, you put it all together and reflect on how these things have played out in [your] life."
lambada/Getty Images
Giving your life a Venusian upgrade is not a concept you hear of frequently; it's only been recently, through Jade's work, that I've heard of it. Since its inception, there have been a few people who have felt inspired to echo Jade's work. What's more, is that the timing of Jade's discovery seems to be perfectly aligned with the recent transit of Pluto moving into the sign of Aquarius – where it will stay for the next 20 years.
But, wait, what do Venus and Pluto have to do with one another? That's what I wondered, myself.
"In Astrology, we know that the 4th house is the anchor of the chart. It's the house (area of life) that holds everything together at the bottom. During Pluto in Aquarius, the sign of Taurus (ruled by Venus) will act as this anchor. We can see this through the lens of derivative Astrology, but that's a whole other convo. Taurus being the anchor means that all things related to Venus come into play."
In turn, the things that Venus stands for also become anchors – beauty, relationships, and harmony.
Etsy
"Money becomes an anchor more than ever. Beauty becomes a stronger anchor. One-on-one relationships, and how harmonious they are, become paramount. These are the things that will hold us down at the bottom of it all during Pluto in Aquarius."
She further explains that this transit will highlight the "haves and the have-nots" in ways that make upgrading our Venus essential to not only surviving but thriving through this transit. Holding no pouches, Jade points out that in the absence of an upgraded Venus during this time, "you'll experience the other side of what I mentioned. Broke, ugly, and lonely. We don't want that."
One thing I know is that being bombarded with this information can be a lot, but I implore everyone to take a deep dive into Jade's social handles. All of this information is readily available. By her own admission, she's provided a step-by-step guide on the Venusian upgrade process before you ever pay a penny for her e-course.
I don't know about you, but the concept of the Venusian upgrade really excites me because, unlike the broader approach of manifesting, this feels more familiar and attainable. From a young age, my mom always told me she was motivated by people telling her she wouldn't be successful, and I've always adopted that mindset. Thus, I've been motivated to create the life I want for myself by tapping into people's projections or fears.
I've always thought this way on some level. Breakup? Cool, watch me show you what you're missing. And I go hard until I forget the initial purpose and remember myself. So, when I say it feels more attainable, I'm aware that I haven't been doing it completely correctly. Still, it's rather simple to reframe the mindset from being motivated by vengeance to being motivated by self-actualization.
From where I’m sitting, the Venusian upgrade is the only love spell (not literally) you’ll ever need.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by bashta/Getty Images