Pole Dancing Mom Ashley Wright On The Importance Of Breastfeeding
Whether you are an expectant mother or a woman who plans to have children in the future, at some point one of the most important decisions you will make is whether or not you will breastfeed your child.
Breastfeeding is fundamental and can contribute to the quality of life and connection between a mother and her child. It's one of the reasons why Ashley Wright's journey through life and motherhood hits home for women who happen upon her site and become avid readers -- because it is a journey that is easily relatable from one woman to the next.
Ashley Wright is the mother and force behind Ms. Wright’s Way, a website featuring a timeline of her life and moments of others; a space filled with experiences, lessons, teachings, and laughter. She calls it a resource for all.
After a video of her engaging in pole dancing with her toddler daughter nearly went viral, Ms. Wright has continued to vocalize her thoughts on the importance of breastfeeding and self-actualization. During mass reports of indecency and violating protocol on social media, Wright has remained an advocate for natural feeding and has advanced forward in shedding light on the subject.
“Breastfeeding is deeper than just nutrition,” she says. “We continue to post, to build. Facebook taking me down for posts that obviously didn’t violate community guidelines doesn’t stop us from progression and ascension. It doesn’t stop us from sharing truth.”
And Wright is persistent in getting that message out, even if it means having to breastfeed a sleepy toddler during a speech at a convention.
"And when it comes to breastfeeding on stage, well, many people talk the talk, yet do not walk the walk. Yes, we are told often, "breast is best." They can read journal after journal, one pamphlet after another with an abundance of written text, however, people are not seeing it. They are not seeing how to incorporate this new stage of life into their current routine, without losing themselves. I’d like to think of Ms. Wrights Way as a resource of "'Yes, we can! Watch me!'"
Through national speaking engagements and public appearances, Ashley Wright has gained a massive following of over 135,000 followers on her Instagram account, mostly fellow mommies who aren’t afraid to pop their bosom’s out publicly. Through that alone, the need to stop the message–the truth–hasn’t ceased. In her interview with xoNecole, Wright delves into her personal need to share such an intimate moment with her daughter on social media, breastfeeding during a convention as the speaker, and of course, pole dancing and why she won’t slow down anytime soon.
Why did you decide to breastfeed your daughter, and more so, publicize your journey as a breastfeeding mommy?
I always knew that I wanted to breastfeed as a mother. I was made aware that this was something you do. Prior to having my own child, I had yet to see the act take place, yet I remember conversations about mothers trying to breastfeed or having breastfed for a certain amount of time. Being a fairly healthy consumer of foods, aware of nutrition, I knew this was what was necessary for my child.
When I decided to share my journey, breastfeeding was something that was a part of it; an everyday act. I didn’t see it as anything to hide and initially, I wasn’t aware that public breastfeeding was considered indecent. To a pole dancer, with videos dropping it like it’s hot to the floor in a split and everyone cheering, the notion that breastfeeding is indecent, was essentially a joke to me.
The backlash on social media resulted in your Facebook account being blocked and shut down. Every time, you went back and shared additional footage of you feeding your daughter. Why were you adamant on getting this message of breastfeeding out?
I was adamant because I saw us as women suffering. I saw our babies suffering. I saw our whole family suffering. This was something that I can identify and relate to because I once was a person who suffered; sat in the suffering and didn’t even know I was suffering.
[Tweet "I once was a person who suffered; sat in the suffering and didn't know I was suffering"]
We as women–and I state "we" as I speak with the village and a multitude of other women who support Ms. Wrights Way–are aware that when you are not breastfeeding, nor supplying breast milk to a child, it is not ONLY the child that is being slighted. The mother, too, is missing what is so essential to her health as well.
It is no secret that postpartum depression is high here in the States. Even worse, the Black infant mortality rate is just downright SCARY. Part of balancing out the chemical makeup, the hormones in the woman’s body after birth is through breastfeeding. When a woman is breastfeeding, she is releasing oxytocin–the feel-good hormone. Breastfeeding just doesn’t keep her physically healthy, as it contracts the uterus back in place along with reducing risks of major illnesses, it supports her mental and emotional health as well. It is a sacred act that is vital in establishing a healthy foundation for child and continued health for mother; for thriving and for survival.
Ms. Wright's Way isn’t solely about breastfeeding, which is why so many women, along with myself, fought to keep it up and running. My overall message is holistic living, self-care, and love. I have stated many times before if you unapologetically love yourself, you no longer compromise the quality of care for your loved ones and those around you.
[Tweet "If you unapologetically love yourself, you no longer compromise the quality of care for your loved ones and those around you."]
Have you ever received negative comments publicly in the street about feeding your daughter? How do you handle the attention?
Not to date. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, “You gon learn today.”
Let's talk about the importance of Black Breastfeeding Week that passed (August 25-August 31). There's been comments that the need for the word "black" to be there is unnecessary. What are your thoughts on that?
The comments that Black Breastfeeding Week, emphasis on the Black, is unnecessary doesn’t strike a chord with me, nor does it surprise me, which is why I do not make statements debating, nor addressing them. I am completely aware of white privilege and racism as a system, so I am not at all urged to seek approval from many of my white brother and sisters who do not agree or become uncomfortable with BBW.
During this week, they (meaning my white brothers and sisters) can either support or state what they must. The focus is reaching those who closely resemble me. As long as my melanin brothers and sisters feel supported and encouraged to breastfeed, increasing the rates from what we have now, then I am happy. That is the focus and concern for that week; Not, who doesn’t get it.
You also received some national coverage of you pole dancing in your home with your daughter watching close by, and even picked her up at one point and continued on. What do you want your daughter to know about that moment given the negative stereotypes surrounding pole dancing?
I want her to know mommy loves playing with her and dancing with her, and will always make a conscious effort to be present with her, with us. I would like her to see that we are not defined by other’s opinions, nor should we feel shame from others, including shaming ourselves. I want her to see ME. All of me and know that I feel no reason to hide myself from her.
It’s just dancing. And it was you wanting to dance with your mother, with the pole or without it. That’s the beauty in being a woman; the great multi-taskers that we are.
What I love is that you continue to defy these norms with public breastfeeding and pole dancing. What do these things do for you, personally? Is there a sense of fulfillment that comes from partaking in these things behind closed doors or publicly?
Public breastfeeding is attending to my child and I, while we are out and about. Pole dancing is a passion of mine, a way to express myself through movement with grace and strength. When I am dancing, I feel understood and allow that movement to resonate with whomever, however.
Whether done at home or publicly (social media included), it is a projection of my freedom. And it most certainly is me feeling myself due to all the feel-good hormones that are being produced during these acts.
I willingly share my life, in complete transparency and vulnerability to be light for all those who seek it, who need it. All are welcome to be lost in this love.
What will you tell your daughter about sharing those intimate moments with her publicly?
Intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean private and it is certainly subjective, depending on how one perceives/defines it, such as hugging, kissing etc. Breastfeeding my child is not a private act, nor is it an indecent one, yet I understand others may perceive it that way.
[Tweet "Breastfeeding my child is not a private act, nor is it an indecent one."]
In sharing our moments, I pray she will see and understand us being chosen to help guide and heal, sharing the power we possess to be of encouragement and strength to the people, to our village. An aid in a much-needed shift during our current times of self-hatred, high racial tension, misogyny, and artificial living. I pray she understands under my guidance, the importance of support, growth, and true connection through vulnerability and transparency, yet still respecting her boundaries. For one cannot love without being transparent and true with self.
Ultimately, I pray she continues to know mommy loves her and is doing the best she can with what she knows, at any given time. The sharing of our moments is a projection of that–to share love, life, and freedom for all.
As a parent and an avid user of social media, we're advancing as a society that's increasingly dependent on technology. But because our children will be raised in a world entirely different from ours, the need to be more protective than ever is real. By you documenting these moments of you connecting with your daughter, what do you think you're showing her about our bodies on the Internet?
I am showing her our bodies are amazing and we can do whatever the hell we want with it. It is yours to own, no one else. Honor it!
Your speech at the WIC Conference was focused on help and support systems, and you spoke about your own experience of "finding comfort in a WIC office." There's this longstanding stereotype of WIC recipients being unemployed women that are depending on the government. What was your experience like and what are some things they spoke to you about in regards to being a first-time breastfeeder?
My experiences with WIC as a participant, as well as, a partner in organizing awareness events, have been very pleasant. They have been extremely instrumental in building my knowledge and awareness on what breastfeeding is and looks like amongst our communities nationwide.
When I was a participant of WIC, they were adamant about breastfeeding and really excited that I wanted to breastfeed. The Breastfeeding Peer Counselor assigned to me, had nursed her children up to age two, so she was very supportive. It was her duty to inform me of what to look for in diapers, invite me out to peer groups to discuss, teach me nursing cues of when my baby wants me, and to always nurse on demand. She also informed me of proper nutrition and healthy foods.
What many are unaware of is, that WIC also provides food vouchers for many people who do work and have jobs. Yes, there are income requirements, yet, with the current state of unemployment and the high cost of living, I do not waiver on the message of reaching out for support. The last thing a person should have to worry about is food, and allowing shame and embarrassment to prevent them from seeking out available resources.
Connect with Ashley Wright on social media at @mswrightsway and tune into her insightful blog, Ms. Wright's Way, here.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
Getty Images
1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
Getty Images
4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
Getty Images
7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
Getty Images
9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
____
Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Jasper Cole/Getty Images