Pole Dancing Mom Ashley Wright On The Importance Of Breastfeeding
Whether you are an expectant mother or a woman who plans to have children in the future, at some point one of the most important decisions you will make is whether or not you will breastfeed your child.
Breastfeeding is fundamental and can contribute to the quality of life and connection between a mother and her child. It's one of the reasons why Ashley Wright's journey through life and motherhood hits home for women who happen upon her site and become avid readers -- because it is a journey that is easily relatable from one woman to the next.
Ashley Wright is the mother and force behind Ms. Wright’s Way, a website featuring a timeline of her life and moments of others; a space filled with experiences, lessons, teachings, and laughter. She calls it a resource for all.
After a video of her engaging in pole dancing with her toddler daughter nearly went viral, Ms. Wright has continued to vocalize her thoughts on the importance of breastfeeding and self-actualization. During mass reports of indecency and violating protocol on social media, Wright has remained an advocate for natural feeding and has advanced forward in shedding light on the subject.
“Breastfeeding is deeper than just nutrition,” she says. “We continue to post, to build. Facebook taking me down for posts that obviously didn’t violate community guidelines doesn’t stop us from progression and ascension. It doesn’t stop us from sharing truth.”
And Wright is persistent in getting that message out, even if it means having to breastfeed a sleepy toddler during a speech at a convention.
"And when it comes to breastfeeding on stage, well, many people talk the talk, yet do not walk the walk. Yes, we are told often, "breast is best." They can read journal after journal, one pamphlet after another with an abundance of written text, however, people are not seeing it. They are not seeing how to incorporate this new stage of life into their current routine, without losing themselves. I’d like to think of Ms. Wrights Way as a resource of "'Yes, we can! Watch me!'"
Through national speaking engagements and public appearances, Ashley Wright has gained a massive following of over 135,000 followers on her Instagram account, mostly fellow mommies who aren’t afraid to pop their bosom’s out publicly. Through that alone, the need to stop the message–the truth–hasn’t ceased. In her interview with xoNecole, Wright delves into her personal need to share such an intimate moment with her daughter on social media, breastfeeding during a convention as the speaker, and of course, pole dancing and why she won’t slow down anytime soon.
Why did you decide to breastfeed your daughter, and more so, publicize your journey as a breastfeeding mommy?
I always knew that I wanted to breastfeed as a mother. I was made aware that this was something you do. Prior to having my own child, I had yet to see the act take place, yet I remember conversations about mothers trying to breastfeed or having breastfed for a certain amount of time. Being a fairly healthy consumer of foods, aware of nutrition, I knew this was what was necessary for my child.
When I decided to share my journey, breastfeeding was something that was a part of it; an everyday act. I didn’t see it as anything to hide and initially, I wasn’t aware that public breastfeeding was considered indecent. To a pole dancer, with videos dropping it like it’s hot to the floor in a split and everyone cheering, the notion that breastfeeding is indecent, was essentially a joke to me.
The backlash on social media resulted in your Facebook account being blocked and shut down. Every time, you went back and shared additional footage of you feeding your daughter. Why were you adamant on getting this message of breastfeeding out?
I was adamant because I saw us as women suffering. I saw our babies suffering. I saw our whole family suffering. This was something that I can identify and relate to because I once was a person who suffered; sat in the suffering and didn’t even know I was suffering.
[Tweet "I once was a person who suffered; sat in the suffering and didn't know I was suffering"]
We as women–and I state "we" as I speak with the village and a multitude of other women who support Ms. Wrights Way–are aware that when you are not breastfeeding, nor supplying breast milk to a child, it is not ONLY the child that is being slighted. The mother, too, is missing what is so essential to her health as well.
It is no secret that postpartum depression is high here in the States. Even worse, the Black infant mortality rate is just downright SCARY. Part of balancing out the chemical makeup, the hormones in the woman’s body after birth is through breastfeeding. When a woman is breastfeeding, she is releasing oxytocin–the feel-good hormone. Breastfeeding just doesn’t keep her physically healthy, as it contracts the uterus back in place along with reducing risks of major illnesses, it supports her mental and emotional health as well. It is a sacred act that is vital in establishing a healthy foundation for child and continued health for mother; for thriving and for survival.
Ms. Wright's Way isn’t solely about breastfeeding, which is why so many women, along with myself, fought to keep it up and running. My overall message is holistic living, self-care, and love. I have stated many times before if you unapologetically love yourself, you no longer compromise the quality of care for your loved ones and those around you.
[Tweet "If you unapologetically love yourself, you no longer compromise the quality of care for your loved ones and those around you."]
Have you ever received negative comments publicly in the street about feeding your daughter? How do you handle the attention?
Not to date. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, “You gon learn today.”
Let's talk about the importance of Black Breastfeeding Week that passed (August 25-August 31). There's been comments that the need for the word "black" to be there is unnecessary. What are your thoughts on that?
The comments that Black Breastfeeding Week, emphasis on the Black, is unnecessary doesn’t strike a chord with me, nor does it surprise me, which is why I do not make statements debating, nor addressing them. I am completely aware of white privilege and racism as a system, so I am not at all urged to seek approval from many of my white brother and sisters who do not agree or become uncomfortable with BBW.
During this week, they (meaning my white brothers and sisters) can either support or state what they must. The focus is reaching those who closely resemble me. As long as my melanin brothers and sisters feel supported and encouraged to breastfeed, increasing the rates from what we have now, then I am happy. That is the focus and concern for that week; Not, who doesn’t get it.
You also received some national coverage of you pole dancing in your home with your daughter watching close by, and even picked her up at one point and continued on. What do you want your daughter to know about that moment given the negative stereotypes surrounding pole dancing?
I want her to know mommy loves playing with her and dancing with her, and will always make a conscious effort to be present with her, with us. I would like her to see that we are not defined by other’s opinions, nor should we feel shame from others, including shaming ourselves. I want her to see ME. All of me and know that I feel no reason to hide myself from her.
It’s just dancing. And it was you wanting to dance with your mother, with the pole or without it. That’s the beauty in being a woman; the great multi-taskers that we are.
What I love is that you continue to defy these norms with public breastfeeding and pole dancing. What do these things do for you, personally? Is there a sense of fulfillment that comes from partaking in these things behind closed doors or publicly?
Public breastfeeding is attending to my child and I, while we are out and about. Pole dancing is a passion of mine, a way to express myself through movement with grace and strength. When I am dancing, I feel understood and allow that movement to resonate with whomever, however.
Whether done at home or publicly (social media included), it is a projection of my freedom. And it most certainly is me feeling myself due to all the feel-good hormones that are being produced during these acts.
I willingly share my life, in complete transparency and vulnerability to be light for all those who seek it, who need it. All are welcome to be lost in this love.
What will you tell your daughter about sharing those intimate moments with her publicly?
Intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean private and it is certainly subjective, depending on how one perceives/defines it, such as hugging, kissing etc. Breastfeeding my child is not a private act, nor is it an indecent one, yet I understand others may perceive it that way.
[Tweet "Breastfeeding my child is not a private act, nor is it an indecent one."]
In sharing our moments, I pray she will see and understand us being chosen to help guide and heal, sharing the power we possess to be of encouragement and strength to the people, to our village. An aid in a much-needed shift during our current times of self-hatred, high racial tension, misogyny, and artificial living. I pray she understands under my guidance, the importance of support, growth, and true connection through vulnerability and transparency, yet still respecting her boundaries. For one cannot love without being transparent and true with self.
Ultimately, I pray she continues to know mommy loves her and is doing the best she can with what she knows, at any given time. The sharing of our moments is a projection of that–to share love, life, and freedom for all.
As a parent and an avid user of social media, we're advancing as a society that's increasingly dependent on technology. But because our children will be raised in a world entirely different from ours, the need to be more protective than ever is real. By you documenting these moments of you connecting with your daughter, what do you think you're showing her about our bodies on the Internet?
I am showing her our bodies are amazing and we can do whatever the hell we want with it. It is yours to own, no one else. Honor it!
Your speech at the WIC Conference was focused on help and support systems, and you spoke about your own experience of "finding comfort in a WIC office." There's this longstanding stereotype of WIC recipients being unemployed women that are depending on the government. What was your experience like and what are some things they spoke to you about in regards to being a first-time breastfeeder?
My experiences with WIC as a participant, as well as, a partner in organizing awareness events, have been very pleasant. They have been extremely instrumental in building my knowledge and awareness on what breastfeeding is and looks like amongst our communities nationwide.
When I was a participant of WIC, they were adamant about breastfeeding and really excited that I wanted to breastfeed. The Breastfeeding Peer Counselor assigned to me, had nursed her children up to age two, so she was very supportive. It was her duty to inform me of what to look for in diapers, invite me out to peer groups to discuss, teach me nursing cues of when my baby wants me, and to always nurse on demand. She also informed me of proper nutrition and healthy foods.
What many are unaware of is, that WIC also provides food vouchers for many people who do work and have jobs. Yes, there are income requirements, yet, with the current state of unemployment and the high cost of living, I do not waiver on the message of reaching out for support. The last thing a person should have to worry about is food, and allowing shame and embarrassment to prevent them from seeking out available resources.
Connect with Ashley Wright on social media at @mswrightsway and tune into her insightful blog, Ms. Wright's Way, here.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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