A Conversation On Love, Leadership & Fear With Mack Wilds
“I talk to my friends all the time. Their DMs be crazy lit up with naked pictures—all types of craziness, and I get girls that hit me up and say, ‘yo I want to marry you.’”
Mack Wilds confesses this to me as if he’s surprised that women would be drawn to his dimpled, sometimes-crooked smile or his seemingly good-boy charm. Like the falsettos that he hit on the single “Don’t Turn Me Down” off of his debut album New York: A Love Story didn’t curl toes and provoke deep…umm…feelings. Or that his ability to slip in and out of multiple characters—his breakout role as the troubled teen in The Wire, the passionate pilot in Red Tails, the new kid on the block in 90210—doesn’t demonstrate his level of versatility and dedication to mastering his craft. Or perhaps we should ignore the fact that even Adele—a musical beast in her own right—saw something in this American boy that led to him being cast as the leading man in her record-breaking hit “Hello.” Yeah, Mack, I’m not buying that you don’t know why you’re deemed as husband-material.
Not to mention that he has this thing for love songs—ones that talk about embracing love, making love, and getting back to love like in the 90s. It’s no wonder that the ladies are taking him up on his invitation to be his dream girl.
But Mack Wilds is more than just a lover boy with good acting chops, he’s a self-proclaimed Renaissance Man that believes that “nothing’s too much” for him, and won’t stop until the world sees Mack Wilds as a brand, and not just one of the many characters that people identify him by.
While he’s busy building his legacy, the Staten Island native managed to slip in some time for good conversation about courtship, overcoming fear, and what makes him worthy of being a leading man. Trust me, you’ll fall in love with more than just his television characters.
Congrats on the new season of “The Breaks.” During the first season, you released a new single around the premiere. Was that intentional?
Mack Wilds and his "father" Method Man in "The Breaks."
You know what’s crazy, the way that it all came out and played out it was weird, uncanny timing. I was planning on dropping "Love In The 90's" anyway, but when the promo for The Breaks started ramping up and right after the Adele stuff I had already locked in everything with the label, so it was all perfect.
Your single "Love In The 90s," is an ode to old school love. It seems like in our generation the whole idea of love, marriage and even intimacy has kind of shifted. What is your perception of what love was back in the 90s vs. what it is today?
I think our generation, when it comes to what that old sense of love and courtship, it’s kind of disappeared. I think men and women on both sides have different expectations, and I think even in this information age we are too privy to a lot more information that we usually would get during a courtship scene, or during that romancing phase. So when you would take a girl out and chill with her you possibly realize where her mind is, or to even get even deeper, to see what her body looks like outside of her clothes. Now you can go on Instagram and see all of that. So I think the courtship and everything, a lot of stuff has changed for this generation. It’s not necessarily bad, it’s just a part of the generation.
Do you feel like the air of mystery is gone in a sense because everything is so easily available?
I think there still is going to be mystery when you first meet someone because you have to figure out who they really are. You can only get so much from a tweet, or you can only see so much on Snapchat or on Instagram. I think there’s still a certain level of mystery, I just think that the timing that we would get to know each other has changed. How long it would take to really build something strong has changed. I think a lot of times, those relationships that we know and love from the older days, they took a little more time to harvest and to make [a relationship] concrete. It’s not the relationships where you first meet the girl and you’re like, ‘you know I love you. I love everything I see on Instagram.'
What’s a lesson that your mom taught you about women?
To be smart, I think that’s the biggest thing. To be smart and think with the head that I have on my shoulders. Not the one anywhere else (laughs).
I read that Cancers always on lookout for a partner who would resemble his mother in terms of the perfection exuded by her. Is that true?
I think it is to a certain extent. My mom is an extremely strong woman. Raising six Wilds kids, it definitely gets crazy, but you know watching her and watching my dad take care of us and do everything that they needed to do to make sure that we were good, you can see the human spirit, you can see the strength. So I definitely look for that strength, that intelligence, that resilience in the different women that I encounter.
In an interview a couple of years ago you said that as an actor people look at you as a vessel and not as who you are. So who is Mack Wilds? Is it hard for people to fall in love with you versus his character or the idea of him?
I think once you actually get to know me, once you understand who I am and what I am, I think you automatically get a different sense of who I am. As Mack Wilds, I’m just a kid from the projects who loved being creative and used something that he loved to change his life, his family’s life, and hopefully change the lives of others, and continue to strive for more. I’m never really content with myself. I’m always reaching for my next dream and trying to make that come true. I’m never not working, so I think the girls that can deal with it, they fall in love with my work ethic. I’m not fully content with just sitting back and just chilling. I mean, I enjoy my time where I’m just sitting back at home on vacation or something you know you cut your phone off, chill in the crib, Netflix and chill it up. But I think there’s something that’s sexy about ambition. I’m extremely ambitious.
Does that make it hard for you to date or do you gravitate towards women who are equally ambitious or are you pretty open as long as they can handle your lifestyle?
I’m pretty open, but again ambition is a beautiful thing. I’d rather take towards the more intelligent, ambitious woman rather than someone who’s sitting home dealing with me and living through my ambitions.
[Tweet "I'd rather take towards an ambitious woman than someone living through my ambitions -@mackwilds"]
You mentioned courtship earlier. So, I’ve never been to Staten Island. Let’s say we’re going on a date in Stapleton (his hometown). Where are you taking me?
First and foremost, we’re going to get out of Stapleton (laughs).
Oh is it that bad?!
I’m just saying, it’s the projects. So unless you want to get some crown fried chicken.
Oh okay! So we’re out of Stapleton (laughs). Where are we going?
Honestly, I remember as kid when I first was just running around the city with any girl from Staten Island, a lot of people don’t leave Staten Island. So even getting on that ferry boat and just going somewhere, finding a dope little restaurant in Battery Park, or going to the movie theaters just across the water is an adventure. Then you have to start to get close to the person--just trust the person and that they won’t have you lost out here. But I knew my way around the city at 13 or 14, so just moving around trying to get off of Staten Island, it would be one of my go-to’s.
If a girl were to surprise you with a date, what’s one of your dating fantasies?
One of the things that I love, especially as a Cancer, I love the feeling of home. I move around a lot and I’m working a lot, so I don’t always get a chance to be home. So if she were to surprise me, a dope date would be a candlelight dinner at the house. Cook something for me at the crib. Make it real dope, romantic, sexy so that we don’t have to go nowhere else. We can watch the movies here, we can eat here, and then we can lead into other things (laughs).
You had an interview recently with Wendy Williams where you mentioned that you love dark skin women, and she kind of reacted in surprise. What did you think about her reaction?
Honestly, I didn’t think anything of it. Wendy is like family to me, so that’s a conversation that we have all the time. So I don’t think it was anything; it was her being playful. I don’t think that there was any type of ill intent towards what I was saying. Especially for me, like I said [in the interview], my mom is a brown skin woman, so growing up in an household with my mom who is brown skin and my aunt who is brown, like I have so many beautiful colors and women around me my entire life, you learn to appreciate every single color of a woman. It’s not like I would ever look down. I know some girls who would be considered dark skin that are way prettier than your average light skin girl, and vice versa. I think with Wendy in particular, especially since we talk about it all the time, I think it just got blown out of proportion.
You’ve been the leading man in a lot of videos (Adele's “Hello,” Bridget Kelly's “Act Like That,” Sevyn Streeter's “nEXt and “B.A.N.S.”). What does being a man and being a leader mean to you?
A leader, I think it’s not necessarily just about intelligence or being brave, it’s all of those things into one. It’s about being strong enough to lead something. To be the person who everyone has to follow and watch and pay attention to, and to understand that if you’re a leader people trust you with the mission. Whether it’s their lives, a song, a video, they trust you enough to push forward and to make the right choices in order to make this mission successful.
And to be a man I think is everything that we know about being a man. You always hear to be strong, to hold your own, to take care of the family and protect, and all that and more. Especially now, with the single mothers and the single fathers, you see fathers and men having to be nurturing and to be careful of hearts, and expectations.
Do you feel like there’s a lack of leadership among men or that women are not allowing men to be the leaders and they’re assuming those roles?
I think that could be part of it, but I think one of the biggest things about love that a lot of people don’t realize is the balance. You can’t be a man if you expect your woman to be a man. It’s a balance. You’re putting too much on one side of the scale. People should look at love a lot more like a balance system, especially now that there are so many strong-minded, amazing women that can go out here and hustle and protect just like any other man. When it comes to love, the man that you’re with you’re supposed to have some sort of balance with him. If you’re going to be the man, then he’s going to have to assume the role of more of a feminine one, and vice versa.
If you’re going to be a man out in the world, when you come home be the woman for your man.
I think it all depends on how we all look at it, and I don’t think we have enough leaders telling us that because they never went through it. It’s brand new. Back in their day courtships and everything that they were doing was completely different. That’s why I say I can’t blame anyone, it’s just that we don’t have any representatives that are old enough that we can look to like, ‘yo, OG help me with this!’ Steve Harvey was the closest one so far with his books.
What’s one of your biggest fears that you had to overcome?
One of the biggest fears, and I think it’s any kid anywhere in the world because I was legit about to make it just a kid from the projects thing, but I think any kid in the world you have fear of it not working and having to go back to your regular everyday norm. My regular everyday norm was back in the projects. I was cutting hair in my dad’s barbershop. I was in school. When you get a taste of something different, to go back to your every day norm is scary. You don’t know if you’ll be able to keep it up or even compete with any of the stuff that you’ve done in the past. If people would look at you as a has-been. Or something. So I think that’s one of the biggest fears.
Fear is a crazy thing, something that you fear the most will lead you to that fear. You being afraid of that fear will lead you into that fear. So I try to keep the right people around me, my parents are all up in my ear at the same time. And my friends and my family, you kind of keep the mindset of I don’t want to do that so I’m not going to do it. Keep working and keep striving and keep fighting for more.
[Tweet "When you get a taste of something different, to go back to your every day norm is scary."]
What’s something that you’re working on within yourself?
I think staying as proactive as possible. A lot of times I feel I don’t use time as much as I want to, and that sounds crazy because I work all the damn time. But there’s a lot of times that I’m sitting down and I’m like man, I could really be playing my guitar right now or I could be writing this script right now. Or man, I could write up this treatment for another music video, and I guess one thing I’ve learned to work on myself is being a little more proactive with my time.
What do you want your legacy to be?
When I’m long gone, I want people to know me as the new age Renaissance Man. I’m not a “jack of all trades and a master of none,” I’m legit a Renaissance Man. Anything I touch has a certain quality of amazing--a certain level of dopeness attached to it. If you see Mack Wilds or the brand attached to it, you understand that it’s a certain quality, and that I will never rest unless I give you the best that I have.
Are you still living by the words “nothing’s too much” or has that changed?
Nah, I definitely live by that now, there’s so many scripts that I’m reading right now, that would make the average man’s head spin off. But I don’t think there’s anything that I can’t accomplish. I don’t think there’s nothing that is too much, so I definitely live by those words.
Tell me about the tattoo on your right arm. I see John 3:16, what was the inspiration behind that tattoo?
It’s a skull with a crown of thorns. It’s adorned by roses and it has the banner that says John 3:16, you know that’s when God gave up his own begotten son for our salvation. So with the skull, with the crown of thorns and the roses around it, it keeps me in the right mindset that there's something beautiful that can come from something major that you lose. You can lose something, but you gain something even greater. You just have to remember to see the beauty in the loss.
[Tweet "There's something beautiful that can come from something major that you lose. - @MackWilds"]
I got it right after I finished 90210, and I remember thinking what are we going to do now? It was a bittersweet feeling, so I was in a weird place of trying to figure out how I was going to move and how I was going to do everything. And Salaam [Remi] called and I was thinking if I was to keep going on 90210, I wouldn’t have been able to get this album off and make the album that I wanted. So the tattoo just symbolizes that moment in my life where I didn’t know what to do because I had just lost something, but it was something beautiful that came out of that loss.
What’s something about you that a lot of people don’t know?
How into the arts I am. I’m very much an artist in the sense that I use other art forms and things that inspire me for my music or character development with acting. I try to use all different art forms: music, paintings I see, drawings, graffiti or whatever I try to use all of that to help me with other art that I do.
Featured image by Santiago Felipe/WireImage
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Age-Gap Dating Is HUGE Right Now. Still...Read This Before Doing It.
If you’re someone who’s been reading my content for a while, you know that I’m pretty big on accountability (with both men and women), and that means sometimes I will call out blatant hypocrisy and double standards. Today? It’s the fact that I find it to be mighty interesting that when an older woman is dating a younger man, she’s usually considered to be a “cougar” yet when an older man dates a younger woman, suddenly he’s a “perv” (short for pervert).
It's important to bring up that super unfair comparison because, when it comes to a particular dating trend that’s on the list of being a really big dating trend right now, it’s both men and women who are looking to get in on it — and if it’s good for one gender (within reason), in all fairness, it should be seen the same way for the other (again, within reason).
So, with that said, whatever it is that I’m about to share on the topic of age-gap dating, just know that I have no bias; I simply think it’s important for men and women, younger and older, to take a very realistic approach to this kind of dating…because as with pretty much everything in life, it has its pros and some, well, cons too.
Popular Doesn’t Automatically Mean Best
GiphySomething that has kind of always fascinated me about our culture is how so many people will abandon all common sense and logic, just to do something that is considered popular. Well, at the end of the day, that’s pretty much what a trend is: something that is currently done by a lot of people for…whatever the reason. When it comes to dating trends, specifically, oftentimes, they are “birthed” out of surveys from dating sites or apps. When the people who conduct them notice that something is overwhelmingly preferred, encouraged, or supported, then it becomes a trend — and that’s just where age-gap dating came from.
Long story short, Bumble kinda-sorta-recently did a survey and discovered things like 63 percent of folks don’t factor in age when it comes to dating, and 59 percent of women said that they would date a younger man; those are pretty large numbers, and so, there ya have it: a trend.
I will say that although the study wasn’t super-duper specific about when an age gap is considered to be too much of one,Glamour published an article a few years back that said, 10-plus years between two people is enough to start causing some issues if one is not careful (more on that in a sec). And so, before you decide to get out here lookin’ for a youngin’ or a more — eh hem — mature man, just because it currently seems like everyone else is open to it, consider if 10 years — backward or forwards — is something that you would want to deal with; especially long-term.
If you’re not sure, keep reading. Hopefully, I will provide some things for you to ponder.
Difference in Age Means Differences Everywhere
GiphyI’ve got people in my world who have big age gaps in their relationships. I’m talking about more than just 10 years. One example that immediately comes to mind is a married couple who has 15 years between them; the wife is older. On some levels, everything seems cool and copasetic. Oh, but there are nuances. Like she can be very condescending when it comes to what he finds to be fun and entertaining. Plus, their sex drives are not even close to being compatible now that she is well past menopause. It’s interesting because, rather than acknowledging that a lot of all of this has to do with their vast age differences, she prefers to see him as being immature. He’s not immature, sis. He’s just a lot younger than you are.
So, when it comes to age-gap relationships, that’s the first thing that you should think about: are you willing to deal with the differences that will probably come about, simply because you are at different stages in your lives due to your different ages?
Example: Because people say that I don’t look my age (‘preciate it), it’s not uncommon for folks to try and set me up with someone who is in their early 30s. For the most part, I’ll pass. For one thing, I intentionally decided that I didn’t want to have kids a long time ago, and I don’t want to have that discussion/debate with someone who may feel otherwise (quite possibly because they don’t have kids or want more of them). Also, I’ve worked with people, in the lane of relationships, for quite some time now.
Men before 35? For the most part, I encourage their focus to be on themselves and building their life (because a lot of guys don’t hit their professional and financial peak until their late 40s or early 50s). As for myself, I’m pretty settled, so I don’t want to be a hindrance when it comes to them up and moving a few times or switching career paths. Do that babe. You should.
I could go on and on when it comes to this particular point. The bottom line is dating someone who has a semi-significant age difference from you and then having a problem with the differences that come along with it is like really enjoying the summertime and then expecting winter to act like it…just because you do. Feel me?
Age-Gap Dating Requires Being a (Patient) Student. And Teacher.
GiphyWhenever people talk to me about the hours that they spend (or is it waste?) arguing with folks on social media, something that I will oftentimes say (for instance) is, “Some of those folks weren’t even born when Freaknik happened. Let them come to the wisdom and insight that you have, due to your age, on their own.” Same thing goes for age-gap dating.
When it comes to these celebrity relationships, so many of them switch up like they change their underwear, so I won’t even give specific examples. If you surf or scroll on a daily basis, though, you know that there are some older women dating younger men and older men who are dating younger women who show all the signs in the world of heading for a real roller coaster ride because…they are simply at two totally different points in their life.
For instance, when you’re in your 20s, it’s not automatically a red flag that you want to go to the club often. Oh, but when you’re in your 40s, you can be tempted to tell them that it is — even though you did the same thing when you were their age. You know, just because you’ve “been there and done that” before, that doesn’t mean you should look down on them because they haven’t (yet).
Yeah, that’s another challenge about age-gap dating and age-gap relationships: you tend to think that you should be someone’s parent instead of their partner.
So, do I think that age-gap dating can never work? No, that’s not the case. What I will say is if you’re not a very flexible person, you are about to be pissed, often. Because when you’re with someone who has a different view of things that you do, and a part of it is because they are a different age than you are, you’ve got to be willing to teach some things that could help them to grow and also learn some things that could help you to become a better person — whether they are the older one or not.
Take two of my clients where, again, the husband is younger (by nine years) and the wife is older. He says all of the time that if he had not come into her life, she would’ve aged faster because she owns the fact that she’s not naturally a very adventurous person. At the same time, because of her influence in his life, he’s better with time management, which has helped him professionally, because she’s a huge planner (something that she learned to become due to “fumbling some balls” back when she was younger). See what I mean: the student as well as the teacher.
Does this apply to all relationships? It should. I’m just saying that when age-gap dating comes into play, lessons tend to pop up often and sometimes, very unexpectedly, simply due to folks being at various places and stages due to their age alone. If you can’t fathom dealing with that, age-gap dating is probably not something that you should get involved with.
Casually Doing It Can Tend to Backfire
GiphyOkay, so what if you’re someone who wants to do some age-gap dating on a casual level? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, from reading some of my other articles (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”), you’ll already know that I’m not big on the meaning of casual: apathetic, careless, off-hand, without serious intention. Me? Especially at this age, I have zero energy or interest to be dealt with on a casual basis (whew, chile). And what if you’re the one who wants to take this approach? I mean, you’re grown, right? Do you.
I will just give the heads up when it comes to, say, wanting to have a casual sexual situationship with a younger man, while there is more content out here that says while 20-somethings may be having more sex, it’s the people in their 40s who are actually enjoying it the most (which means that it shouldn’t be assumed that the young guys do it better), science is science — and science says that testosterone levels are at their highest when a man is in his 20s. Meanwhile, for us, we are reportedly able to have the most consistent orgasms while we’re in our 30s. Where am I going with all of this?
I actually didn’t become sexually active until college. My first love was younger than I, and goodness, when didn’t he want to hump my leg? The college period was like a sea of raging hormone vessels with free rooms in the form of dorms. Chaotic and damn near diabolical in hindsight. LOL. And a big part of that is because guys have testosterone surging, and we as women are hella fertile. Getting off stays at the forefront on some level (at least for most of us).
The challenge with that is a lot of people who are hormone-driven may not necessarily be relationship-minded. And once you hit your late 30s-40s, after a couple of months of mind-blowing sex (perhaps), that could get old, especially if the sweet young thang doesn’t have much more to offer than that. And so…where do things have to go? That’s the thing about casual…usually nowhere. Again, by definition.
I will say that if you just read all of that and was like, “Okay…and still, what’s the problem?” — hey, do you, sis. I just think it needs to go on record that once you reach a certain point and place in life, casual experiences with younger men can damn near seem brutal — and you can’t really blame them if you got turned out, yet they barely respond to any texts that don’t have sex on the menu. #justsaying
Make Sure to Be Extremely Honest About Your Needs. And Expectations.
GiphyLet’s swing to the other side of this: you dating an older man. I know someone who is currently doing that as well. She’s in her late 30s, and he’s in his early 50s. He’s stable. He’s smart. She said the sex is bomb. Dating him is fun, spontaneous, and full of surprises. So, what’s the problem? He’s super set in his ways. His values are hella traditional (hers are not).
More than anything, though, she wants to get married, and he’s divorced, so he has more of a “been there, done that” take on it. Does he have a problem with being exclusive? Absolutely not. However, having another wife or more children? His kids are grown. He’s mentally and emotionally past that time, too. And so, at a bit of a crossroads, they are — both are invested, and yet, because they are in different seasons of life, they don’t want the same things.
That’s another thing to consider when it comes to age-gap dating — if you are looking for something serious or substantial, you don’t really have time to waste when it comes to getting your needs and expectations out on the table. That’s why, past the first date to see if there is potential for a real connection beyond just chemistry, when it comes to age-gap dating, you really need to get your needs and expectations out there (on both sides) as soon as possible because — and pardon the pun — time is definitely of the essence.
___
A lot to think about? Yeah, perhaps. At the same time, is the age-gap something to be leery of? No. It’s just important to check your motives, be realistic, and not lie to yourself or the person you’re seeing about what you want to get out of it.
Because no matter how hot of a trend age-gap dating may currently be, you need to do what’s right and best for you…not merely what is…popular.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images