Amber Riley Talks Body Positivity And Embracing Her 30's
There is a thin line between self-love and weight in the entertainment industry.
However, Amber Riley is not your plus-sized heroine or your body-conscious role-model. By all means, she could be. But that's not her main agenda.
Instead, the actress and singer refuses to be boxed in by way of society's love of labels. Because, like the late Whitney once said, Miss Riley is not just one type of woman, she is every woman: a daughter, sister, lover, counselor, go-getter and friend. And in a day and age where the lines between misrepresentation and inspiration are blurred, Miss Riley wants her influence to be far from limited, and her purpose to be clear. Crystal clear.
We recently had a chance to chat with the ferociously dope and unapologetic star of Glee and The Wiz Live!, and were in awe. Amber went against the new "plus-sized rage" grain and spoke on the not-so-positive side of the "Body Positive" movement, her fears going into turning 30 and her hope for women.
All of us.
Here's what we learned:
Turning 30 was a milestone and a little added pressure
Oh God, I was so depressed for a while. Because as a woman, you always have that "marker," like, you narrated having children and you do have that conversation in your head [about kids] because people do put that pressure on you like, 'You don't have a lot of time.' I got to point where I was just like [to myself], 'Look where you are in life.' What is for you is for you. That is my mantra in life. If things are going to come, they're going to come. I'm not dead, and I don't plan on dying anytime soon.I mean, I keep my age in the back of my mind but I feel like it's okay for me to love my career and love the work that I'm doing. It's okay. I actually had all my friends come over the house and cook for my birthday and then we ate and then my friends played piano and we kind of set up speakers and then played around my house and sang. What's really cool is I actually got to sing for [Faith Evans'] Grammy nomination on my actual birthday. And then she came to my party and sang with me at my party. So I got to sing with her more than once, twice in one week. She's a legend and her voice is crazy! It was unreal. And it was so much fun. And so awesome to bring that in.
[Tweet "Look where you are in life.' What is for you is for you."]
She loved Ebony Magazine's 'Body Brigade,' cover but...
I know all of them. [Chrisette Michele, Danielle Brooks, Jazmine Sullivan, and Gabi Fresh.] I actually talked to Jazmine and face-timed her while she was at the actual shoot and saw what she had on and was like "Alright girl!" (laughs). They looked absolutely amazing.
I'll be so happy when [full-figured women covering magazines] aren't a novelty and they become the norm. They're [just now] sensationalizing being a plus-sized woman as something that is normal, because it is! There are more people who look like me than there are in the magazines. That are unrealistic and unattainable goals of what people feel beautiful body images are. You know?
[Tweet "I'll be so happy when full-figured women covering magazines aren't a novelty..."]
On Feeling Sexier with Age
You mentioned in an Instagram caption being sexy isn't about the clothes you wear, but rather, it's about confidence and how you view yourself. However, you recently took some "sexy" pictures. So, are you feeling sexier these days as you get older and embrace your curves?
Well, when I did the shoot, I talked to Casey [my stylist], who actually was the mind behind the clothing. And Casey is always telling me, 'Your body. I just love your body. And you need to show off these curves!"
In general, when you see me for the most part, I am the most covered up person because I'm like a hippie. I love staple tops and stilettos. It's just who I am. So in these photoshoots, I feel like you're supposed to be playing a character, and pushing the envelope. I figured, if I can be sexy in a full gown and covered up, I can be sexy in a body suit.
So I said you know what? This is my photo shoot. Let's see what they [the stylists] can put together and I'ma take the pictures and if I don't like them, I don't have to show anybody! It's so interesting, I just wanted to be sexy. It wasn't even for like an artistic thing. It wasn't even for like a "body positive" agenda. Even though that's how people took it. I saw the outfits and I just thought they were sexy. And cute and fly and I wanted to wear it. You know what I mean?
She feels her sexiest when....
I feel my sexiest when I'm with my spouse or my boyfriend or whatever, and I'm just in a t-shirt and sweats and he fixes my hair, or he holds my hands- that makes me feel sexy.
Interesting enough, when I finish a book and I start to jot down my notes, and what I learned from it, my intelligence makes me feel sexy, like "I just MURKED this book. I feel so smart right now." I feel really attractive right now. I think different things define sexy and what sexy is.
On why she's not completely down with the "Body Positive" Movement...
There are a couple of problems that I have with the "Body Positive" movement and people behind it. I don't believe that I have to love every single part of myself. There are things about myself that I have difficulty accepting, but it doesn't mean that I hate myself. I love myself as a whole. There are things about myself that I have difficulty accepting because I know I need to get on the ball and get started. It has nothing to do with other people's opinions. It has to do with me. It's self-improvement and things that I feel I have to improve within myself. We can't go around lying like, 'I love myself more than you think and I don't care,' and blah blah blah. No.
I can not stand that when I wear a skirt or a sundress out that I need to wear shorts because my thighs chaff. You know what I mean? So saying that to a girl but then turning around and saying "But I still love myself, I'm still fly!" Like, there are women who are size 2 that have issues with their bodies. I have skinny friends and big friends and they have the same body parts. So it's not that I'm saying "I'm perfect and everything about me is idea." I'm saying that as a whole, my body is not who I am. In general.
"I don't do a lot of interviews or magazines just about my body because that's not "just" who I am."
It is who people identify with- me as a plus size woman in this industry- because people just have to put labels on things. But as a whole, that's not who I am. I'm a writer. I'm somebody's daughter. I'm a comedian. I'm some people's counselor, I'm a therapist. I'm an actor. I'm a singer. I'm a producer sometimes. I'm a business woman. I mean, I am who I am to different people. I won't let people put me in a box. I can't accept or be okay with just "being a body." I can't accept that.
She will not accept stereotypical roles...
I don't go for certain roles. And it may piss my agents off, but I won't just go after roles. I don't think being "plus-sized" is a character; it's not a character. I don't need to "play fat." I don't sit around and talk this way so I'm not going to sit around and talk about my body in this way in a script. The whole world sees what size I am, so there is no need for me to sit and talk about it all the time.
On what she's learned from her friendship with Gabourey Sidibe...
Gabourey Sidibe is on her way to my house now and she is one of my closest friends ever. Gabourey is an inspiration to me and not just because she is a plus-sized woman. She inspires me because she is unapologetically herself in every single setting that she is in. She is authentic. And I have learned, from her, to be authentic, too, and to be me, and to take the roles that I want and to go after the roles that I want. So my authenticity and my resolve in who I am, and how real I am with myself, how I talk to myself, it keeps me from being boxed in. Because I don't see myself the way that they see me. I won't accept the way that you see me. Everything that I've done has been very strategic for my career.
On Why She Chooses the roles that she does...
I'm okay with not having an abundance of work so long as when I do take the job, it means something for my career and it means something to me. It makes it hard sometimes. My agents are probably like 'Ok, so you just said no [again]." I had a manager before that was like, 'You just keep saying no to everything,' because it was not for me! I'm not just going to say "yes" to a role for money aspect or to have something on my resume. The things that people have seen me done, they've been good things. I did a Christmas movie, My One Christmas Wish, we didn't talk about my size at all in that movie. At all. That's not what the movie was about. And I killed that role. My manager was like 'I don't think you should,' but I took it because I needed to show that I can be this size and be a leading lady. And be a love interest and it's believable.
This is what I want I want Hollywood to see me as. You have to tell them who you are. You can't let them tell you who you are, because they have a specific formula for every single type and they will box you in.
[Tweet "You have to tell them who you are. You can't let them tell you who you are!"]
The Difference Between Black Hollywood vs. White Hollywood and Being on Both Sides of the Fence
It's been a very interesting journey for sure. I've seen a whole lot. I've been on a totally different side of things. I was in predominately White Hollywood [before]. I've been the only Black character for a while that was identified as "Black." Naya [Rivera] is Black too of course. But as far as identified, I was the Black character on Glee. Naya's character identified as Latina, which she is also.
I went to a predominately White high school, so I already dealt with prejudice and people's perceptions of who you are, so I've already gone through [stereotyping]. Growing up, I learned to correct people. I've learned to do it in love, because most of it was ignorance. But being in [Glee] it was like family. It was an interesting culture. And the writers left it very open for me to say what I felt about certain things and that was a blessing for me because I got to steer my character in a very positive way. So I've been on that side. And I've been in Black Hollywood. And it's different type of embrace when you're around your own people. It is.
XO: Different as in "better" or different as in "different."
Different as in different. Being in "The Wiz" I had never been part of an all-Black cast like that and there was just something very spiritual about it. We connect in a different way. Especially with everything going on in the social climate right now. The conversations were different. I didn't feel like I had to stop a conversation or not get anything started. Because I'm very passionate. And the cast were extremely knowledgable about what's going in the world where as most people repeat what's on the news. And as we know, most things on the news, are half-truths.
Amber Riley in "The Wiz" as the Good Witch of the North.
Sitting and being able to talk to Queen Latifah, who is my personal idol, it's just different than being on a set with people who don't completely understand your experience as a Black woman. It's just different. It's like the difference between going on vacation and vacationing at home.
She's dating....
Well, you know, I am not a serial dater. I date very selectively. And there is someone I really like right now that I am talking to. But I've just learned to try and keep those things are private as possible. Not even as an actor or a "celebrity" but in general. My friends don't even know who I date, my sister does! (laughs)
On How She Defines Success
There are so many other alternatives for what success looks like nowadays and it's just not a reality for everyone and that can be discouraging, but I don't judge anybody. Live your life how you want to live your life.
[Tweet "I'm learning that everybody's journey is going to be different."]
However, for those who want an alternative approach for this world that we live in, I have something for you too. It took me a long time to get here .... and [sometimes] that's a hard pill to swallow when you think you know everything and then find out you don't! It took me a long time to get here and I'm learning that everybody's journey is going to be different.
Amen! After all, age (and weight) ain't nothing but some numbers. Cheers to moving onwards and upwards! Amber is currently gearing up to star in "Dreams Girls" in West End London this Fall, where she will be staying for the next year. The singer is also working on music in hopes of doing a mini tour by the Summer. Sounds like major "30-something" goals to us!
A modest goddess who keeps it humble between mumbles. I'm a journalism graduate with a HERstory in digital media, print and radio. Roll the credits: Power 96, VH1, xoNecole, EBONY, SOHH. Deemed "Top 20 Women in Media" by Power 105. Bronx made me, Broward raised me.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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