6 Important Lessons I Learned About Womanhood From Afeni Shakur
I've always found it strange that my life's most important lessons came from people I would never meet.
We live in an age where vanity equates to dollars, and helping someone is not nearly as important as video recording it for an audience, so it's not hard to imagine why I find these occurrences strange. But to me, it's odd that the strangers who have helped me had done so in the spirit of Jesus Christ - a man they would also never meet.
When someone does something kind for me, or gives me an encouraging word, I can't help but to question how someone living in an age of egotism could find the time to care about me, someone who doesn't even know them? Why am I so special?
I don't think I'll ever have the answers I am looking for in these questions. In the end, I can't help but to be honored to have strangers walk among us in God's spirit, and I feel grateful for their lessons.
One of those strangers was Afeni Shakur, the mother of legendary rapper Tupac Shakur. I started thinking about Afeni's amazing life lessons on womanhood when I discovered that she died on May 3. She was 69 years old.
I've never met Afeni Shakur, and I probably wouldn't have recognized who she was if I saw her on the street while she was alive. But her biography, Afeni Shakur: Evolution of a Revolutionary, changed me.
Before I read Afeni's book, all I knew was that I was suffering from depression. By the time I put the book down, I felt like I had been slapped "woke." Everything that I needed to understand about what it meant to be a black woman going through the throws of life was available for me to read, and it helped me want to live a little longer.
Thanks to Afeni, I better understood the gift of life. Not many people have the opportunity to boast this spiritually liberating act, especially while they're alive. But Afeni did, and we have God to thank for her.
Thanks to her book, I don't feel like her spirit has completely left this Earth. Her soul is invincible, and she bared it all in a book that serves as a blueprint on how to be when you're a black woman, and your pain doesn't seem to want to go away.
This is what I learned about womanhood from Akeni Shakur:
1. ANGER WON'T DO ANYTHING FOR YOU BUT HOLD YOU BACK
In her biography, she talked a lot about how angry she was with her mother, who was physically abused by her father. Afeni thought her mother was weak for allowing her father to beat on her. So Afeni turned into a tough girl. She would beat up on other kids, because she thought that she had to be that way in order to feel protected.
Eventually she discovered that the only thing anger did for her was kill her slowly. As she grew into adulthood, she said that she would often confuse anger for strength, and that drove people away from her. At least that's what Tupac would tell her. She said,
“...All that hating hurts. As a girl child, I just hurt. Everything around me seemed hurtful. And, like I said, we had no protection. I never felt safe. Now, I see that I got a lot from my mother. I have learned to appreciate her strengths, her quiet dignity. For most of my life I have been angry. I thought my mama was weak and my daddy was a dog. That anger fed me for many years.”
2. REACTING OFF OF EMOTION DOES NOT HELP THE FIGHT FOR EQUALITY
It’s hard not to react emotionally when you hear about cases like Michael Brown’s, Trayvon Martin’s, or Eric Garner’s. Afeni even struggled with this, as she was once seen comforting Trayvon Martin's mom at a retreat back in 2014.
The one thing she learned as an activist for the Black Panther Party was that the party had lost the fight for equality, because there were too many emotional reactions. In her opinion, emotional reaction is what caused young BPP activists to attract the wrong attention to their cause, which led to the party's demise.
Afeni said that God would not allow your community a chance to have peace and harmony if your cause didn't reflect the same values. She said:
“You have to have a moral imperative to win...You can’t do that in this world and expect that God is going to allow peace, harmony, and serenity to stay around you. We didn’t understand that. We drew violence to ourselves. We drew bitterness to ourselves. ”
3. FIND A PARTNER WHO IS ON YOUR LEVEL
Afeni joined the BPP to make a difference, but from what she saw, not every woman joined the party for the same reasons. The truth is that some women joined the BPP to meet men.
As a result of her determination and focus, she was shunned by other women in the group, as well as some guys, who spread rumors about her being lesbian or "freaky." But Afeni did not care about the rumors. She wanted to stop the despair she saw in her community, and as a woman, the best way for her to do that was to stick close to a black man of power who could execute those changes.
That's when she met her first husband, Lumumba Abdul Shakur - a section leader for New York City's BPP. According to Afeni, she and Lumumba became partners in their relationship, where they both shared equal power.
To get a better idea of what she was talking about, her biographer, actress Jasmine Guy, asked Afeni if she viewed Lumumba the way Hillary Clinton viewed her husband - as a partner who could advance her career. Afeni replied:
“The key word being partner. I was his partner. We made agreements. We had discussions. Lumumba loved my fire and my candor. He loved debating with me.”
4. YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCES AREN'T ALWAYS FOR YOUR BENEFIT
Back in 1969, Afeni, Lumumba, and 19 other BPP members were arrested in connection with an alleged plot to bomb several department stores and a subway police station in Manhattan. The people on trial were known across the media as the Panther 21.
In her biography, Afeni said that if she was convicted, she would have been sent to jail for more than 300 years. That scared her to death, especially when she discovered that she was pregnant with Tupac during the trial.
Instead of succumbing to her fears, she pulled out all stops to make sure that she didn't find herself having her child behind bars. Afeni said that the experience of defending herself in court ultimately pushed her to make such a great lasting impression, that she was acquitted of all charges in 1971. She described:
“I was young. I was arrogant. And I was brilliant in court. I wouldn’t have been able to be brilliant in court. I wouldn’t have been able to be brilliant if I thought I was going to get out of jail. It was because I thought this was the last time I could speak. The last time before they locked me up forever. I had to make a record there for later, because I would never be able to speak again. And I didn’t know anything about being locked up either. I thought that when I went away to prison I would just have no contact with nobody. So, this was my last chance, and I had to make the best of it. I just thought I was writing my own obituary….”
What she also learned during that experience is that sometimes a rough life situation is God's way of prepping you to help someone else. Coincidentally, Afeni said that it was easy for her to sense that Tupac felt that he would only be on Earth for a little while. She felt the exact same way when she thought she was going to jail during her Panther 21 trial.
5. NEVER JUDGE SOMETHING FOR ITS OUTWARD APPEARANCE
Tupac and his sister as kids. Tumblr.
Most people teach their kids the meaning of value by teaching them to "never judge a book by its cover." But Afeni is not an ordinary woman, and how she taught her kids this lesson was pretty savage.
Sekyiwa, Tupac’s little sister, was a very sweet girl who seemed sort of meek as a child. She was the complete opposite of Afeni.
Sekyiwa once recalled a story where Tupac was getting picked on by other kids because he didn't have flashy clothing. He told his mom what he was going through, and she told him that his strength lied in the fact that he understood the meaning of value. Afeni told Tupac that while his little sister would pick up three shiny pennies from the ground because they were shiny, Tupac would be the kid who would pick up a crumpled hundred-dollar bill next to the shiny pennies.
The good news was that Tupac understood what his mom was saying, and probably felt less awful about being bullied. The bad news was the Sekyiwa was in the other room listening to her mother insult her. Ouch!
Thankfully, no love was lost as a result of the lesson, and Sekyiwa walked away learning something new, too.
6. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE ONLY HURTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU'RE IN PAIN, THINK AGAIN
When Afeni went to rehab for drugs, she had to face what she had done to her children emotionally as a result of her drug use, and her prideful behavior. Her day of reckoning came when she realized that she was hurting the people who loved her more than she was hurting herself.
She described a letter that Tupac wrote her while in rehab, where he said that he could not allow himself to get too excited about her recovery, because he didn't know if what she was going through was real. She told Jasmine about the letter,
“...I remember how it affected me. I went to my sponsor with the letter because I was so messed up over it. That’s when she taught me humility. I was so devastated, and she helped me. She helped me because she told me that the only reason that I was devastated was because my pride was hurt. This is what she would do. She made me see when it was my pride getting in the way of doing the right thing. It was very hard, but she did that for me.”
What came from Tupac's hurt was one of the most prolific songs ever dedicated to a woman (Dear Mama), as well as some of his most powerful pieces of poetry about Afeni that was published in his book, The Rose That Grew From Concrete.
While everyone around seemed to fall in love with Tupac's Dear Mama rap, Afeni had to relive the hurt that she caused her son every time the song came on the radio, and because the song peaked in the top 10 on the Billboard Hot 100 and Hip Hop charts, she heard the song a lot.
Putting drugs before her children hurt Afeni in so many ways, and she had to learn how live with the pain she caused her family for many years. But she learned, and helped other people grow into better people as she discovered herself, and the journey ahead of her.
Rest In Power, Queen Afeni.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images