Job Rejection & Moving "Back Home" Doesn't Mean You've Failed
If there's anything I've learned about job searches in the past few weeks it's that looking for a job is strangely similar to dating. You walk into these companies hoping that you'll click, and even when that doesn't happen your feelings are still kind of hurt when they don't call. The only difference is that after a bad date, you can still pay your car note.
Welcome to the wonderful world of #funemployment.
Although, it stopped being fun a few weeks ago when I realized I was about halfway through my unemployment benefits and the rejection letters started trickling in. The perks of being unemployed? There's way less laundry to do since most days you can find me in leggings and a sweater. I also have the luxury of being bra-free most days. And I've been spending way less money on lunch since I'm not stuck in an office in Center City Philadelphia all day.
But I must admit, some days I go a little stir-crazy since taking on my almost two-year-old daughter full-time. In between being unable to shake the Doc McStuffins theme song from my head, I have the daily tasks of keeping her from snacking on Crayola's Autumn Collection of colors or playing hide and seek with the dirty diaper she's snatched off and hidden.
Mondays are the hardest. I guess it's because after a weekend of feeling like you're just like everyone else catching a movie, shopping at the mall, or having a lazy Sunday. Monday morning comes and quickly reminds you as the cars clear the block and your friends can no longer text you right back that you're unemployed and the only thing you're running late for is an episode of The Real.
Last Monday was particularly upsetting because I woke up to a rejection letter. (By the way, a suggestion to companies: Send rejection letters out on Fridays. I can't take shots of rum on Monday morning. I still have SOME dignity). It wasn't the first rejection letter but it definitely wasn't one I saw coming.
After writing "Underpaid and Unappreciated: Why More Millennials Have Less Job Loyalty", a piece in which I vented about recently being laid off, I decided that I had come to a point in my career where I refused to settle for any position in which my passion and creativity couldn't be appreciated.
Still, I narrowed my job search to jobs whose descriptions got me excited and that would challenge me, and no one could tell me that I didn't have this one particular position in the bag. I had more than enough experience in the field working with youth and after snagging the first interview I learned that I had collaborated with employees of the organization in the past on projects through my old job. I made it to the interview in an ideal 15 minutes early and sailed through the interview with flying colors.
It all made perfect sense. In fact, it was all a little too perfect...and predictable. As I sat in the parking lot afterwards I couldn't shake a dread in the pit of my stomach that the position was way too reminiscent of the job I just had...and hated. Although the work excited me I got the familiar vibe of the type of management I resented, right down to the weird resemblance of this company's CEO to the one at my former employer.
Still I figured I'd take the second interview. If I was offered the position, I'd at least be getting a steady paycheck until I got the job I really wanted. The second interview went well enough, but I still didn't feel like I was quite connecting with the culture of the company. I was reminded that job interviews are as much about you evaluating your level of comfort with the company as they are about the interviewer getting a feel for if you're a good fit for the position.
Once again I found myself doubting if my creative ideas and youthful personality would be a good match for the company. When I got that email stating they decided to go in a "different direction" I knew it was a sign saying that I needed to as well. That position was nothing but my old job with a new name. And it wasn't the growth or challenge that I was praying for no matter how qualified I was for it.
That doesn't mean I didn't take a day to cry like K-Ci and Jojo during a Sunday sermon that hits a little too close to home.
These past three months have been a roller-coaster of emotions that have made me question my self-worth, work ethic and educational path daily. One week I'm picking out interview clothes and the next week my biggest decision is whether to clean the bathroom or kitchen first. But before I found myself discounting my progress and breaking down, I was reminded of something Adrienne Bailon co-host on talk show The Real recently revealed on a segment called “What Shaped You?" :
“When you grow up and you have dreams and goals and you tell yourself you're gonna go for them, I went for my dreams and actually made it into a girl group called 3LW. I don't know if people remember 3LW. Loved that group…ummm…but at some point that started falling apart for us. And I remember having to go back home. I had like been on TRL and done things before and I was really proud of that success. But I remember when I thought it was over and I remember just feeling like, 'Well then I guess I'll just go home.' Right, like, but feeling a little embarrassed and like a failure. Like it had been a failure. But that moment in my life taught me so much. Going back home and even though other opportunities came years later, at that point you don't see that. You just think it's over. That like, this is it. This is the end of my career. I won't go anywhere else with it. And the crazy thing about learning to go home, is that I'm OK with going home."
Bailon went on to explain that as much as she appreciates the opportunities she's been blessed with, she learned her career wasn't everything and that there was a whole life outside her work as a musician that held just as much merit including the love of her family and friends. What hit home for me was how she emphasized that success often resembles a roller coaster more than it does a straight staircase:
“I've been poor. I've been rich. I've been poor again."
Rough patches have a tendency to make us think that out present day misery will somehow set the tone for our entire lives.
What I learned from Adrienne's experience was that I am so much more than my success just like I am more than my failures. A rejection letter is not a rejection of who I am as a person, but simply a career opportunity that wasn't the best fit for me. Don't get me wrong, rejection is never easy, but you can't allow one person's opinion or one experience to define your whole identity as a person.
Most importantly rejection teaches you that the thing you once thought was the worst thing in the world that you didn't think you'd ever get through…You'll live through it. More than that, you can thrive in spite of it. When I first got laid off, my imagination did the most. All I could picture was the mid-sized sedan I had worked so hard for to get on my own on a towing bed because I couldn't make the payments. I thought my credit score would plummet faster than the neckline on Jennifer Lopez's Grammy gown and everything I had worked so hard for was a waste.
Luckily, with the help of a good support system and six months of unemployment benefits, I've been spared for a little while. But even if those things were to happen, I'd still be OK. Because I am so much more than my credit score, a mid-sized sedan or a fancy title on a business card.
[Tweet "The hardest moments of your life will teach you about what you are made of"]
Although your hardest moments in life may seem more painful than anything, those are the times that will teach you about what you are made of more than anything else. I'm excited about whatever career opportunities may await in my future, but for now I'm appreciating the time I get to spend with my daughter, my husband and even my readers. I know that first job layoff may not even be my last, but the difference is that next time I know I'll get through it and those of us that are lucky enough can always go home, which I'm learning isn't the worst place to be.
See Adrienne Bailon reveal what shaped her below:
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images